2008

The year was 2008,
My ponytailed and bearded face gave way to a goatee and shaved head,
My puppy fat melted and under it sinewy yet strong muscles formed,
My heart got broken after three and a half years of bliss,
I found solace in the bottom of a bottle,
I threw away a year of education and failed at university,
I let apathetic anger consume me,
I slept late, I drank early, I phased out constantly,
But at least I wasn’t partaking in other vices,
Those I had stopped at least,
But I found true friends,
I found my body’s limits,
I found a girl who amazed me, and would later become my second love,
I lost family by blood, but I gained family by trust,
I gave up sex and sexual thoughts,
Which only made the pole girls make my life very hard,
I grew from a boy,
But not a man yet,
I stumbled, I struggled,
I crawled back, I conquered,
I started to get back to being me,
All in 2008,
Aged 19.

—//—

Thanks to my darling Tis for inspiring me to write this. Her and her Husband are such inspirations. They show how  strength and love overcome anything that may be put in their way. I tip my hat to you both.

PL&H

MMS

Ed Sheeran – Drunk

Not my first post about alcohol related music.  I wrote about James Arthur’s new single here and how it has alcohol in it, but this is straight out drinking of alcohol as a form of escapism.  What are we escaping? The bitter sweet memories of an ex lover.

This song is brilliant.  Absolutely brilliant.  I sing it at work quite often when it happens to pop up on the playlist and it is just a piece of art to me.  The song does not send out a great message in honesty, but it is real.  People do this, people go out and get drunk when they are heartbroken.  People look for escapes from the harsh realities of the world around them.  People feel pain.

Not the first Ed Sheeran song I have posted either.  I posted this one back in April of this year.  Different job, different mindset, different time.  Still the same me I guess.  Still a little dazed and confused, but now mixed in with a bit in pain.  Ah well, keep on going right?

MMS

James Arthur – You’re Nobody ‘Til Somebody Loves You. An Analysis

Now, normally X-Factor “artists” are not the kind of thing that I am interested in, but I really like this song.  I am torn about how to interpret the lyrics of it though.  They do project a very negative opinion, but ironically I do think this way.  Here is the chorus.

You’re nobody ’til somebody loves you,
It’s hard times when nobody wants you,
Fill up my cup, don’t ever stop coming,
Get up on top, we’ll make it pop, honey.

Line 1 – You’re nobody ’til somebody loves you.
This song is telling you that you are a nobody unless you have the love of someone else.  You have no value as an individual unless you are attached to someone else, which will give you both love and a meaning for living.  That is really not a great idea to project out into the world.  Maybe Mr Arthur has some abandonment issues.

Line 2 – It’s hard times when nobody wants you.
This makes much more sense and is logical.  Regardless of whether you are the most self empowered individual on the planet or not, there are those times when you will feel lonely and no longer part of the group, due to your singledom.  It can feel like a desolate place, trapped on an island alone.  So yes, it can be a hard time.

Line 3 – Fill up my cup, don’t ever stop coming.
Is this promotion of alcoholism as a coping method?  That is a very bad idea.  Personal experience has taught me that this a very bad idea.  Turning to a bottle to try and deal with any sort of emotional problems is never good.  It is escapism from dealing with how to progress.  Not such a good lyric Mr Arthur.

Line 4 – Get up on top, we’ll make it pop, honey.
If I am reading this correctly, Mr Arthur is now promoting promiscuous liaisons on a regular basis.  There will be no slut shaming here, regardless of gender, so long as it is all consented by both parties.  However, is this really the way for you to be going about finding love? Sleeping with many people may fill a hole temporarily, but in your heart you know that it will not actually solve the problem.  Perhaps Mr Arthur also has some commitment issues.

Lyric analysis aside, this is a fun song to listen to.  I quite like his voice, and any guy who can sing alto or soprano always gets my attention.  I think it is very cool when I guy can make his voice just jump octaves and hold those notes.  It is probably what attracted me to Justin Timberlake back in the day when he went solo.  That and his album Justified was and is one of my favourite albums of all time.  I can more than likely sing all the lyrics to it still

Such a good album.  Well that is enough analysis for now.  A picture and a song done, that shall sate me for now.  I have a third picture in reserve if I need to do more, but maybe that will be for tomorrow.

MMS

 

Disappointment

He stared back at his friend, glassy eyed and uncomprehending.  He wanted to, he truly wanted to understand what his friend was trying to say to him.  The complexity of the idea combined with the fact that he was several drinks down only made the haze in his brain thicker than it normally was.  At least when he was high he could laugh about the fact he was incompetent and did not understand the conversation that was being spoken at him.  A witty response, or perhaps a stoner one would be adequate enough to end the conversation and lead into something more banal and easier to digest for his slowing brain.

“What? Can you explain that again, but dumb it down a little? This is not my field of expertise to start with and you are speaking way too quickly and way too complicatedly for me to get what you are talking about.  Break it down for me like I am retarded or something.”

His friend looked at him with disapproval.  “Yes I know, I am drunk, I can’t hold alcohol like you, give me a break for Christ’s sake, we are not all tanks like you who hold spirits like a fucking barrel.”

His friend was clearly disappointed.  That much was evident.  All he could do was smile and apologise.  What else was there he could possibly do? Go on the offensive? Manipulate his friend into thinking that he was wrong in thinking that it was foolish of him not to understand the conversation? Those were both bad ideas.

How about switch the topic.  This had been going for well over 10 minutes and it felt like the crux of the conversation was coming.  In truth he didn’t really care about the conversation, but his friend liked to flap his lips, so let him flap.  The more he said, the more knowledge he gained.  The more he knew, the more he could use against him should it ever come to that.  Ultimately people were disposable.  Friendships were temporary, family was nothing and in this world it is you against everyone else.

He brought his brandy to his lips and drained the glass.  That was the best idea he had had all night.  He signalled the waitress for another and his friend again looked at him with that look of disappointment.

Oh well, another person to add to the list.  At least something about him never fails to disappoint. That is a good thing, right?

Liver Forgive Me For I Am A Sinner

So it looks like I am going to be drinking tonight (lightly), tomorrow (heavier), Friday(heavier still), Saturday (heaviest) and Sunday (lighter). My liver and kidneys are going to take a serious battering over the next few days seeing how rarely I drink it is going to get abused over the next 4 days. But at least I am warming up slowly to the Big One on Saturday.

It is like being back at university again, and that was one hell of an experience, but I drank waaaaay to much in my first 3 years. Way too much. Drinking 3-6 nights a week excessively is not healthy, and I have some great memories from it (and a few missing) but I don’t think I can drink as heavily as I did when I was 19.

This weekend will be a decider on that one, so look out for posts every now and again. They probably will not be as regular, but most likely when drunk at night or hungover early morning. There is also an important post going up on the 4th of May so look out for that Netty!!

I am in a pretty good mood and have remained so which is great! Positivity and happiness are the order of the day! Along with a beer and the football (or soccer as you Yanks out there like to call it!). Tonight should be chill, which is what I need.

Hope everyone is well. Big love to you all.

PL&H
MMS

Reactions to Feeling Overwhelmed

TW: negative coping mechanisms discussed. Be careful.

This morning I woke up and I couldn’t stop thinking about how people react when things get beyond the point they can handle; that feeling of being desolate and completely overwhelmed. I thought about the different ways people react to it.

*Some act out to get attention by being loud or rude or obnoxious. By having attention they can talk about it or validate their feelings.

*Some just curl up in a ball and cry for extended periods of time. It acts like a purging system, crying until you can cry no more and you are numb.

*Some resort to violence; seeking out arguments and fights, or through passive aggression. Both are just anger manifested in different forms from feeling helpless.

*Some cut. The feeling of control over the flow of blood, the rush of chemicals in the body and the release feels like a high and relives stress, even though it is short term.

*Some substance abuse; be that alcohol, prescription or illegal drugs. Dosing up on sleeping tablets or painkillers to numb themselves so they float through and don’t have to face the problems. Drinking oneself into a stupor so you don’t have to deal; escapism.

*Some disassociate and detach completely. They forget it even happened, cordoning the thing off and moving on. Or sometimes forget who they are and carry on with part of themselves missing

*Some power through. Some have the incredible strength of mind and character to bite the bullet and carry on, not stopping but keep trying. Eventually it will be a case of “the straw that broke the camels back”, but they cope for now.
*Some indulge in carnal pleasures. It is both an ego boost as well as a chemical one to feel wanted or used, depending on your standpoint. It helps with validation of the individuals self worth, be that good or bad.

*Some do nothing. They carry on with their lives and do what they do, but have dread and fear inside them, even if it doesn’t always manifest on their faces. In those with less control it is clearly visible they are struggling, but they do the job in hand anyway.

*Some talk; be that a friend, relative, therapist, pet, stranger, inanimate object or blog. It can be logical, it can just be like a dam has burst and everything flows forward. Either way they let it out verbally. Can include tears.

I have done a few of those, and still do some of them now. I haven’t mentioned one of my methods, well I have, just not the form I use. I would be really interested to hear what other peoples coping mechanisms are, or the ones they have heard of. Feel free to share below if you can. Otherwise thanks for reading.

MMS

Mr Walker

He sits at the bar looking into the Black Label on the rocks in his glass. The dull murmur of conversation and bad music is his background noise, enough to make the bar friendly, but not enough to drown out the voices in his head.

“You’re not trying hard enough. You said you would make more effort with us, you said you would change”

“What do you mean she wants you to change? You are who you are, and more importantly you are a man! Ditch the bitch bro, she isn’t worth it!”

“Well you could stand to make a few changes in truth. Call it self improvement, because they will make you a better person right? Not like she is asking massive amounts of you is she?”

“She’s a nice girl, but are you happy? Can you really salvage this and make it work or are these little cracks that are showing really just because of the rotten foundations? Think about is long and hard before you make a decision.”

So many thoughts, not enough whiskey. He knocks back the glass and signals for another, the barwoman with a knowing look on her face. She has seen this all before, and will undoubtedly see it all again many more times. He smiles weakly and pays, losing himself in the bottom of the glass again.

He hasn’t made a sensible decision in his life while sober, and he has done alright so far. Why change the habit of a lifetime? Mr Walker has never lead him astray, best to trust him again and let the dice fall where they may. He necks the shot and orders a double this time. Pulling out a notepad and pen from his pocket he starts writing. Time to get some serious thinking done, and drinking, but mainly thinking.