Feelings of Inadequacy

Today I’ve been struggling at work. I’ve been having some problems at work with senior management where I was basically publicly slut shamed, but that is another story for another time.

Today I have had my work checked by my seniors and they found so many mistakes. Some of them were big ones, but there were lots of smaller ones which was what annoyed me more. Small, simple, stupid mistakes. Not linking the formula to the right cell so the data pulled through is incorrect. Not checking simple little things. Things I should check but I didn’t.

I was planning to put my name forward for the senior position which will be becoming available on my team soon. My peers have been encouraging me, both externally and internally, but when I keep making mistakes like these, how can I justify it? How can I go to my manager and say I deserve this chance, when I’m making simple rookie errors that should not be made at all.

Also found out my ex has a new boyfriend which is wonderful for her, but leaves me once again feeling like I’m coming up short. Granted I have not put myself out there looking, but the last two relationships I have had weren’t with me looking, they just happened organically; friends becoming more than friends.

Am I good enough professionally? Probably not right now, but maybe in the future. Am I good enough personally? Probably not, because if you can’t love yourself, how can you give anything to anyone else?

On the plus side, the new Panic! At the Disco album is brilliant. Big fan of it, if you haven’t given it a spin, you should do so post haste.

MMS

Advertisements

Confused and angry

Don’t ask me why I did it, because I don’t know myself but I decided to look up an ex girlfriend of mine online. I don’t have social media applications so I searched her in a search engine and she popped up.

She is living where I had heard rumours of her moving to a few years back, and still works in the same capacity as she did before but for someone else. I searched her rough salary and she is earning a very good wage, but that isn’t want confused and annoyed me.

She is taking a training course in mental health to champion it. Whether that be in thr workplace or elsewhere. This is the same woman who broke up with me after I told her that I was going to go on medication to help my mental health. She was one of the reasons I started this blog back in 2012. I needed an outlet and I had lost the biggest support structure I had.

I had graduated University and was struggling with work. I then got broken up with and a week later got let go from my job. The week after that was Christmas and it was one of the worst I ever had, I was an absolute wreck of a human.

I’m still dealing with my mind now. I’m more withdrawn than I have ever been in my life and I’m considerably older. I am working as hard as I can to try and progress in my job, trying to support my parents and trying to get myself into a position where I can be a role model for my younger family. Yes, that is pressure, but it is what I have always done.

I just feel a little shocked and down right now. Sorry to put this on you Netty. Hope you are OK too.

PL&H

MMS

Back????

I’m writing this maybe 4 years perhaps since my last post. Unconfirmed fake news right there.

I’ll admit I’m under the influence after a few libations and a few spliffs.

Yes, I’m high. And that is very rare Netty.

The things we do around the women that we like. So embarrassing.

Of course I was a gent. When am I not?! May have been a few years since I last wrote, but I don’t try and sleep with taken women, even if they are hot. Or whatever.

Peace out

MMS

Julia, are you out there?

There have been a few people who I met through my blog who I kept in contact with. Julia is one of them. She is a doll but we drifted. 

I tried to message her via email again and instant messaging we used, but alas no response. Either the email is no longer in use, or she has decided to no longer message me. 

So this one is out to her. If you even read this thing checking up on me, let me know. Be good to know you’re still out there. Keep smiling. 

PL&H

MMS

Checking in

Hi Y’all.

Just to verify I am still alive.  I don’t write much anymore on here, however do not fear, I still creep in the background and read occasionally.  I will admit most of the bloggers I followed at the start have all dropped off, and I went the same way effectively, but I might just start up again.

Work has got very complicated but I have an interview on Wednesday.  Girlfriend is great, will be flying home tomorrow after spending a week in Portugal with her family.

I am relatively sane, though I have been more insecure than I normally am.  Have been talking to my closest to help me and they have really been an incredible support. So thank you to them.  Not that they will see this, as they don’t think I even post anymore.

Oh and my father who I have not seen in over a year came down to support me.  Who knew he would pull through for me when things got really tough.  I was surprised, but in a good way.

Just so you know I am alive and well Netty.  Don’t worry I am still obsessed with you.

MMS

I cannot do anything right.  At all.

Background: I have just got promoted, sort of, to the same job at a larger store.  I have a new guy who has come in at the same level as me and he is 19.  at 26 this is not how I saw my life.  He is loud and incredibly camp, and it is really grating on me.

Don’t get it twisted here.  I am not homophobic.  I could not have worked where I have, nor got through my life without being tolerant of everyone and everything around me.  What I can’t deal with is the out and out, obnoxiously loud, in your face, everything defining who I am is based in my sexuality, camp ways this kid has.

Work is also leading to me getting into trouble there.  I have had two sit down conversations since I have walked in nearly a month ago which have been written and recorded in my file.  I have not had any positive feedback whatsoever on my work, just criticism or just no comment whatsoever.  I work my balls off at work and I feel absolutely nothing is being recognised.  I feel like I am just another cog in a machine which doesn’t really want me there.  A useless cog.

My girlfriend is trying to be as supportive as she can but she is getting annoyed at me too.  Work rearranges my shifts and I just go and do the shifts.  I got to the position I am in now because of the fact that I always say yes.  If it needs to be done I will do it, no questions asked.  That is the reason I have progressed in the way that I have.  I always say yes and I am at 100% go from the moment I walk in the door to the moment I walk out.

Now that I have a girlfriend I now have a semblance of a social life.  I keep bailing on events because I have to work another shift or because I have to be up super early (like SUPER early) to get to work in the morning.  It is effecting her and I have apologised and told her to go to her events anyway.  I am there only because I am your boyfriend, not because they care. They are your friends not mine.  I have had hits on “our” time as well, both regular and intimate, and that is a strain more for her than me.  I just deal with what I have and try not to drown in a sea of shit.

So I go to work and I feel useless, then I come home and feel inadequate and like my girlfriend is not happy with me.  We bicker, she gets annoyed that I cannot remember her rota, and I am never available to be sociable.  I can barely remember my own rota, remembering someone elses is too much.  As for the social aspect, I am not a sociable person.  In honesty I don’t event think I am a nice person, but there we go.

TL:DR I feel useless and inadequate in both my work “professional” life and my home “personal” life.  I am just one big fuck up.

MMS