Julia, are you out there?

There have been a few people who I met through my blog who I kept in contact with. Julia is one of them. She is a doll but we drifted. 

I tried to message her via email again and instant messaging we used, but alas no response. Either the email is no longer in use, or she has decided to no longer message me. 

So this one is out to her. If you even read this thing checking up on me, let me know. Be good to know you’re still out there. Keep smiling. 

PL&H

MMS

Checking in

Hi Y’all.

Just to verify I am still alive.  I don’t write much anymore on here, however do not fear, I still creep in the background and read occasionally.  I will admit most of the bloggers I followed at the start have all dropped off, and I went the same way effectively, but I might just start up again.

Work has got very complicated but I have an interview on Wednesday.  Girlfriend is great, will be flying home tomorrow after spending a week in Portugal with her family.

I am relatively sane, though I have been more insecure than I normally am.  Have been talking to my closest to help me and they have really been an incredible support. So thank you to them.  Not that they will see this, as they don’t think I even post anymore.

Oh and my father who I have not seen in over a year came down to support me.  Who knew he would pull through for me when things got really tough.  I was surprised, but in a good way.

Just so you know I am alive and well Netty.  Don’t worry I am still obsessed with you.

MMS

I cannot do anything right.  At all.

Background: I have just got promoted, sort of, to the same job at a larger store.  I have a new guy who has come in at the same level as me and he is 19.  at 26 this is not how I saw my life.  He is loud and incredibly camp, and it is really grating on me.

Don’t get it twisted here.  I am not homophobic.  I could not have worked where I have, nor got through my life without being tolerant of everyone and everything around me.  What I can’t deal with is the out and out, obnoxiously loud, in your face, everything defining who I am is based in my sexuality, camp ways this kid has.

Work is also leading to me getting into trouble there.  I have had two sit down conversations since I have walked in nearly a month ago which have been written and recorded in my file.  I have not had any positive feedback whatsoever on my work, just criticism or just no comment whatsoever.  I work my balls off at work and I feel absolutely nothing is being recognised.  I feel like I am just another cog in a machine which doesn’t really want me there.  A useless cog.

My girlfriend is trying to be as supportive as she can but she is getting annoyed at me too.  Work rearranges my shifts and I just go and do the shifts.  I got to the position I am in now because of the fact that I always say yes.  If it needs to be done I will do it, no questions asked.  That is the reason I have progressed in the way that I have.  I always say yes and I am at 100% go from the moment I walk in the door to the moment I walk out.

Now that I have a girlfriend I now have a semblance of a social life.  I keep bailing on events because I have to work another shift or because I have to be up super early (like SUPER early) to get to work in the morning.  It is effecting her and I have apologised and told her to go to her events anyway.  I am there only because I am your boyfriend, not because they care. They are your friends not mine.  I have had hits on “our” time as well, both regular and intimate, and that is a strain more for her than me.  I just deal with what I have and try not to drown in a sea of shit.

So I go to work and I feel useless, then I come home and feel inadequate and like my girlfriend is not happy with me.  We bicker, she gets annoyed that I cannot remember her rota, and I am never available to be sociable.  I can barely remember my own rota, remembering someone elses is too much.  As for the social aspect, I am not a sociable person.  In honesty I don’t event think I am a nice person, but there we go.

TL:DR I feel useless and inadequate in both my work “professional” life and my home “personal” life.  I am just one big fuck up.

MMS

Money…Again

It has been 5 months since I last posted on here.  In that time I have become closer to my girlfriend and we have spent a long weekend in Rome together, which was amazing.  My brother has just finished his first year at university.  I have turned 26 years old.  I suppose those are the things of note.

Oh I got a promotion too.  Back to my old store as an experienced supervisor now so more money and considerably less travel.  Ten months at my current store and I am being moved back.  The girl that was a pain to me is now taking my job.  Good for her because I helped her with her interview and everything so I am happy.  She deserves the position.

So I am looking to move out with the lady and we have spoken about it lots.  Once she gets back from holiday with her family this weekend we are really looking at making it a reality.  There is a problem though.  You guessed it money.

I am not using it as a way of getting out of this, because I really want to move in with her.  The problem is my travel costs may frop by £150 and I may have a payrise, however that will not be enough if I move out and have to pay money to her for bills as well as all the money I am giving my parents.  I didn’t move out earlier because of this reason.

Today my step dad asked for money from me, my brother asked me to lend him money, and yesterday my mum asked me to give her more than I do now.  I literally feel like I am a cash cow whom everyone comes to for a quick buck to keep them going.

I do what I do because to because that is what they need of me. But that does not make it any easier. I am struggling with this alot of the time, but I make it work. I am not sure how much longer I can make it work before it starts affecting my progression in life. I am 26 and no where near where I was supposed to be in life, but that is ok. I could keep going, but this drain on my finances is holding me back. I can’t just stop giving them money because then we lose the house, but I need to find a way to bolster my income, or there is going to be a problem.

MMS

hat s

Hard Few Days

I have been really struggling the last few days. 

I just fucked up with a customer who I couldn’t get anything to work with and then the girl who constantly undermines me goes and sells £700 worth of goods to them. I fucked up.

I feel like she is better at my job than me and quite frankly I want to leave. I want to just crawl into a hole and not hole out.

Yesterday’s post you can see I just fucked up with everything I said on a night out. Tonight I am supposed to be out for my Christmas do, and one of the other team members father has just got cancer. She found out today.

I don’t want to go out. I don’t want to be anywhere but in my room on my laptop disconnected from real people and the real world. I don’t even want to see my girlfriend because I fucked up with her not remembering she had a camera shoved up her nose yesterday.

I’m spiralling and I know it. I’ve put on a fair bit of weight lately and it is upsetting but I can’t stop eating because I always seem to be hungry. Or I will go a whole day and won’t eat at all. It’s just fucked up.

I can’t explain all of it properly because I don’t even understand it all myself. But I am not in a great place. I want to cry but part of me knows that is accepting that I am a wuss and once again unable to control myself.

If I say anything I feel like an attention seeker. If I walked into work right now I know they are talking about how I fucked up. I know the girls last night think I’m an idiot, I know my girlfriend is annoyed at me and struggling with her own work and life issues. I am just a pussy.

I just want it all to stop. All of it to stop.

Not As Smooth Anymore

Today I have been very quiet at work. People picked up on it and asked me what it was all about and I just said to them it was home stuff and I didn’t want to talk about it. Most didn’t pursue it any further than that and that was great. I managed to put on a bit more of a mask as the afternoon and evening wore on, so people didn’t care anymore so that was good.

I got invited out to go to a leaving do for a girl I have mentioned on here previously and her best friend. Both were employed by the company I work for, and both have left because their line manager is basically a joke. The meal ended up being me and 4 girls. I was expecting another guy, but he bailed.

I effectively turned into the biggest arsehole this evening. I am pretty certain every single thing that came out of my mouth insulted one of the four women present. The one sitting opposite me ended up getting thoroughly pissed at me but masked it well. You know when you just get that tone, yeah, I got that.

I even managed to insult the girl that I used to like. How on earth I did that I don’t even know, but effectively I suffered a serious case of foot in mouth syndrome tonight.

I am not sure how to talk to women anymore. I get accused of being a flirt, of being a charmer and all these things, but when it comes down to it, actually talking to a woman in a friendly situation I am absolutely useless. I used to be so good at it and now I just seem to insult and upset those around me of the fairer sex.

I think I am rather lucky to have a girlfriend who doesn’t think I am a complete tosser. Though I completely forgot that she was having a camera shoved down her nose today. Shitty boyfriend of the year over here.

How did I get so bad. Seriously.