So this is my attempt at drunk blogging. I am trying super hard to make sure there are no spelling mistakes and grammatical errors within this piece, but I am over a bottle of red in and definitely under the influence, thank whoever for spell check!!!!!
I love my closest group of friends (the ones who live in my geographical locale) because we are so diverse. There is a non grad, a masters in enviormenental studies, a mediocre grad in accounting and finance (me) and an undergrad in chemistry. Though we are all of a similar intellectual level we are all very different in our opinions and I love that about us. We can debate for hours about anything and everything, and to some that might be the hallmark of argumentative behaviour but in actuality it is because we have so many opinions that one of us has the most sound one and we use that to make out decisions. Call it a hive mind if you will!!!
I love my friends and wish I lived and spent all my time with them, but sadly reality exists and we must face that. Peace out Interwebs, this has been an experience.
Apparently massively so. I just sent off a whole bunch of applications to companies looking to work for them and get my name out there and get myself noticed. My CV is tailored to each one and that is fine, so I know I hit their buzzwords when they are doing their checklists, but then I notice something on my cover letter which I attach to each application. There is a spelling mistake.
I must have read it thirty or forty times over, and it is no more than 135 words, yet I still managed to miss spell “capeable” (capable) and wrote fine instead of “find”. Seriously, how dense can I be some times? I am applying to jobs where you need to be analytical and have good attention to detail, how can I claim to be those things when I cannot even spell correctly in my cover letter to these people and sell myself.
I hang myself with my own damn rope, I wonder if things will really start going my way with jobs, I damn well need it to. Better yet, just everything in my life a little less bumpy would be much appreciated. Thanks Internet, hope you can answer my calls and sort some stuff out for me. Ta muchly.
Today has been a day of fluctuation. I have been reasonably happy as I finished a story I have been writing, but irrationally angry the rest of the day. I don’t have anything to worry about other than the fact I am single, verging on broke, have minimal friends who all seem very far away, do not have a stable source of income, am unable to drive, have hurt a muscle under my arm making the gym difficult, keep comfort eating, am balding and am 23 years old and have nothing of really value to show for my life other than a mediocre degree and a handful of broken aspirations.
This blog is way more of a rant than I expected it to be but what the hell, this is my damn blog and if I want to rant on it I can. I’m not going to alienate anyone or upset anyone, I set this up so I can express myself, so all those subscribed, all 12 of you know what to expect.
I dislike so much about my life right now it disgusts me. I have been hunting for a decent job for months and got nothing, I don’t have enough money to learn to drive, my muscle problem stops me from going to the gym and working out hard, so I am eating to console myself and negating all those months of hard work, and I just realised while typing this I am biting my nails again, which I had stopped but in the last 3 days have started all over again. As for my love life, pah, what fragging love life.
My state of mind is angry and nothing is going right for me at all. I seem incapable of getting where I need to in life. I am incapable of logical though, of rational thinking and of doing anything decent with myself or productive towards society. I might as well just throw the damn towel in.
I cannot run,
My responsibilities shackle me like a slave.
I cannot hide,
My position is it to be at the front facing forwards.
I cannot deviate,
My path is laid straight and narrow, never bending.
I cannot stop,
My pendulum swings in perpetual motion.
I cannot disappear,
My face must stay opaque as obsidian on ice.
I cannot leave.
I cannot fight.
I must accept.
Even before I got my first job, or even went to university, money has been on my mind. When I turned 16 I got my first job at Tesco and worked every hour I possibly could while doing my A Levels. When I went to university I studied Accounting and Finance, so not only did I have money on my brain in my down time, but on my brain while I was studying. To quote Wu Tang Clan “Cash Rules Everything Around Me, dollar dollar bill y’all, get the money. C.R.E.A.M”
I am a graduate, and have been for a year, but I am still struggling to find a proper job to hold me down and keep enough money in my pocket to keep me going and keep doing what I want to. I don’t take handouts, I don’t want to be given money, I just want a decent 9-5 where I can earn more than I do now and really start saving towards the things I need to do in my life, like learning to drive.
I have had discussions on money with people from all walks of life, but my general findings are as follows: if you are from a less wealthy background you want more money, because it is the key to making your life better. If you are from a wealthy background though money is not the key to your happiness, but experiences and people make you happy. I could go off on a massive tangent with motivational theorem, with Maslow and Hertzberg, but I am not really feeling like doing that now.
You can probably guess which end of the spectrum I am on from my opening paragraph, and I would happily admit that I always want more money than I have, because I always could use a bit more to do the things in my life I want to. Financial constraints are the main thing stopping me from doing what I want to do in my life, but that is hardly to say that I am unique in being in this position. There are so many people not only in the UK but worldwide who could use a bit more money in their lives.
When I compare myself to the world at large it makes me feel like I am a whiney petulant child with first world problems. The reality is I am very fortunate to have been born into a caring family, to have a roof over my head and food on the table. All I want is a job which can give me a stable income so that I can improve my life more and give something back to my family who have given me so much to be grateful for.
“Because I’m in too deep and I’m trying to keep all the thoughts in my head, instead of going under, instead of going under again”
That lyric just popped into my head. It means so much more to me now than the hundreds of times I have heard it in the song throughout the years. It makes more sense now. I said I wouldn’t do what I did, I tried to stop myself, I tried to hold back. Sometimes I let my emotions get the better of me and I deviate from the logic I have surrounded myself in. Logic is easy to follow, logic is safe, logic doesn’t leave you feeling like this. I’ve even used the formatting which I don’t even use because it fits for my purpose, but is her style, not mine.
My world is changing all over again. Colours fade to monochrome, logic prevails over all, and I feel like I am going backwards. Guess it is time to close my eyes tight and wish for tomorrow to hurry up so I can forget today.
Now Matchbox20 Unwell is stuck in my head. Great. This day just needs to end.
I have just noticed that I have reached 300 views on my blog today. This post is dedicated to all of those who have read my blog, even if it was just in passing. Thank you to those who have liked post, thank you to the people who are now following me, and thank you to to those who have taken time out of their days to put a small comment on a post. I didn’t think it would mean as much to me as it does to know that there are random people out there in the world who are reading this and actually either connect or understand what I am feeling. I started this as a way to get things off my chest and to help me think, but it turns out there are other people out there who read what I say, even if it is just a one off time and have a small peek into my life.
Thank you to all of you, and I hope I keep going and doing my thing. I realise I might just be thanking a whole load of spambots and robots randomly accessing my blog, but hey, it inflates my ego a little, so they can have thanks. Big hugs to all of you 🙂
Today I rediscovered an old mp3 player of mine. I had last used it back in 2009 when I went to St Lucia, which brought back some memories. The music on there cracked me up. There was Incredibad by The Lonely Island, Usher, Nelly, The Ying Yang Twins, a couple of compilation albums of R’n’B and Hip Hop, some reggae and even Hanson. I am not sure what I was thinking with that one, but it was on there and it made me smile and remember that year and all the good times I had. I chose to ignore the bad moments of that year which include a great deal of anger, getting over an ex girlfriend and failing my second year at university, because I am being positive today.
With this rediscovered musical playlist now available to me I thought this would be great at the gym to listen to and distract me while I break my body, and it turned out it was pretty good. I did a strong 10Km cycle, a good 2Km run and a great set of weight machines focussing on triceps, biceps, chest and back. I felt pretty good and walking home still had more music to listen to which made me smile.
The problem I am having is that there is still something niggling at the back of my mind, something which is just putting me on guard and making me conscious there is something not quite right going on. I still have not worked out what it is or in what aspect of my life the source is, but I know something is off. I hope my brain works out what it is soon because I would like to know so I can address the issue! Sort it out brain!
Something has got under my skin and is bugging me. Perhaps it is my lack of gym going and I need to let lose. Perhaps it is the fact that I have had the left hand side of both my ankles bitten by something which has caused them to swell and itch like nobody’s business. Regardless, there is something niggling at the back of my mind and setting me on edge. Some sort of alarm. Hopefully tomorrow it will have gone. Hopefully.
I crave understanding. I need to know why things are the way they are so that they make sense to me. At times I can let things slide, but those circumstances are because I do not push people for answers. When it comes to people I prefer them to explain themselves when they feel they are ready, rather than push and push an individual until they break and tell me.
When it comes to myself I am unforgivingly critical. When I cannot work out why I am feeling a certain way I can go up the wall, and it brings me down at times. For example, right now I cannot get “Lego House” by Ed Sheeran out of my head. This song is melancholy so it makes me a little sad, and my ex partner was a big fan of Lego and it in a way reminds me of her which makes me sad. The last two nights I have been out with my friends, had a great deal of fun and minimal amounts of good sleep. This might be another contributing factor to me feeling a little bit sad and down today.
Believe it or not I started writing this piece because I wanted to work out why I was feeling a little sad and down this afternoon. Those factors mentioned above are definitely contributing towards my sombre mood. I think not being particularly happy with how I look, a lack of friends around me (literally in my presence rather than a metaphorical circle of friends) and perhaps the come down of two very fun evenings is leaving me a little blue.
This is just a downbeat moment, I will more than likely be normal again tomorrow, but it is a change from all the anger I have had lately. In that respect this weekend has helped blow a few cobwebs away and I have had fun. Now I just want to perk up and be happy and not angry or sad.