I had intended to not post today, or for the next few days. I had planned to stop blogging so I can deal in a different way, in a way where I am not writing what is going on and what is going on in my head on here as an outlet. This is becoming like an addiction; I need to write it out or I will explode. I need to break it, but not today, today I need this, I need to release.
I feel so overwhelmed today. Utterly and completely. Yesterday I went to work to do the re-price overnight and it turned out there were more people there so it went quickly, but the problem arose when I drank coffee again and then went home. I didn’t sleep until 2am. And when I finally did it was fitful, constantly waking up, always aware of everything around me.
This morning my parents came in my room telling me I’d lost weight and my muscle mass had gone down. They meant it nicely but I brushed it off because I was getting ready for work and tidying. They also said they were happy I was working and that long hours shouldn’t put me into depression. They have no idea how bad it was. This conversation would not have happened at all if I hadn’t off handedly pointed out what day it was yesterday to my step dad, who responded by saying “yeah, and I nearly killed you myself when you said that”
Now today at work I walk into a storm of activity as apparently the work myself and my team have put in the last few weeks is all inappropriate and has to be redone. Re-merchandising, a whole load of repricing and removal of a whole load of stock. My manager has been in a tizzy, so I’ve had to calm her down and take control, getting her to explain what needs to be done and prioritising so it is manageable and we have a plan of action. Now I have to go on an early lunch while she is here so I can get some food and sugar in me because I know if I don’t eat I will get even worse than I am, and I need my physical and mental strength for what needs to be done today.
I am on the late tonight, and the early tomorrow morning, so have minimal time to sleep, not that I have been doing much of it lately. I am tired, stressed, forcing food down me and not feeling any semblance of control of my life. I am feeling overwhelmed with emotions and lack of control. I feel like I am heading for a tailspin crash. I will force control and a smile while at work, there is the possibility a director will be turning up, but I am going to go home and collapse, wanting to sleep but unable.
This day is guaranteed to only get more difficult when I am on my own from 3-9. Forcing yourself happy and to work when you just want to curl up into a ball and rock back and forth is not the one. I am hoping for respite on Monday; my day off, but hope is minimal. I’m sorry I blogged, I need to break this, but I can’t, not right now, I need this too much. If I can’t do this I am genuinely terrified I might just break. What sweet poetic irony if I break again now. How droll.