Overwhelmed

I had intended to not post today, or for the next few days. I had planned to stop blogging so I can deal in a different way, in a way where I am not writing what is going on and what is going on in my head on here as an outlet. This is becoming like an addiction; I need to write it out or I will explode. I need to break it, but not today, today I need this, I need to release.

I feel so overwhelmed today. Utterly and completely. Yesterday I went to work to do the re-price overnight and it turned out there were more people there so it went quickly, but the problem arose when I drank coffee again and then went home. I didn’t sleep until 2am. And when I finally did it was fitful, constantly waking up, always aware of everything around me.

This morning my parents came in my room telling me I’d lost weight and my muscle mass had gone down. They meant it nicely but I brushed it off because I was getting ready for work and tidying. They also said they were happy I was working and that long hours shouldn’t put me into depression. They have no idea how bad it was. This conversation would not have happened at all if I hadn’t off handedly pointed out what day it was yesterday to my step dad, who responded by saying “yeah, and I nearly killed you myself when you said that”

Now today at work I walk into a storm of activity as apparently the work myself and my team have put in the last few weeks is all inappropriate and has to be redone. Re-merchandising, a whole load of repricing and removal of a whole load of stock. My manager has been in a tizzy, so I’ve had to calm her down and take control, getting her to explain what needs to be done and prioritising so it is manageable and we have a plan of action. Now I have to go on an early lunch while she is here so I can get some food and sugar in me because I know if I don’t eat I will get even worse than I am, and I need my physical and mental strength for what needs to be done today.

I am on the late tonight, and the early tomorrow morning, so have minimal time to sleep, not that I have been doing much of it lately. I am tired, stressed, forcing food down me and not feeling any semblance of control of my life. I am feeling overwhelmed with emotions and lack of control. I feel like I am heading for a tailspin crash. I will force control and a smile while at work, there is the possibility a director will be turning up, but I am going to go home and collapse, wanting to sleep but unable.

This day is guaranteed to only get more difficult when I am on my own from 3-9. Forcing yourself happy and to work when you just want to curl up into a ball and rock back and forth is not the one. I am hoping for respite on Monday; my day off, but hope is minimal. I’m sorry I blogged, I need to break this, but I can’t, not right now, I need this too much. If I can’t do this I am genuinely terrified I might just break. What sweet poetic irony if I break again now. How droll.

And The Low Eventually Hits…….

I thought I had avoided it today. I genuinely did. I thought this was not going to happen, but somewhere deep down in my chemical balance something went “nope, screw you, time to make you unhappy”

I just had an hour nap as I have to go into work on my supposed day off for a re-price thing at 8pm until an undisclosed time. This is not cool but needs to be done, so the quicker the better. Did I mention that the system will not be updated so we have to do it manually from hard copies looking up codes and re-pricing? Yeah, this is going to be a barrel of fun and games.

I feel rubbish. My nap has made me think “great, all my friends are coupled up and happy and I am still stuck here, in another rubbish job, single, with no genuine job prospects, no potential partner, no money, no real stability and nowhere near the place I should be. Great improvement in one year?! Pah, you are lying to yourself and everyone else by saying that. You are just a fool, trying to pretend all is well, when inside you are just a broken little boy with highly limited prospects, so many insecurities which can actually be substantiated it is surprising you have any friends, and so completely inept for someone of your supposed “advanced education standard” you should really be classed as educated as a 16 year old in the body of a failure of a 23 year old”

F*** sake I really thought I’d get through today and I’d be ok and I’d have a decent shot at making it a whole day being actually f*****g happy. Nice one, spring it on me, make me feel like utter s***, and there is no one out there to blame, absolutely no one at all but yourself. You, you are the reason you feel like this, you are the reason everything around you is wrong and you are the reason you are a failure. Congratulations, you f****d up your life, now go fall down a hole.

What A Difference A Year Makes

The last two posts I have written have been about women and my adoration of them. I’ve clearly had the opposite sex on the brain lately, but this post is going to take a different path.

I feel a little confused. I think today is the day:

a) My 2 year relationship my ex ended

b)I took my first and last anti depressant.
It is odd because it should be something I remember more vividly. Shouldn’t it? I could find out the dates if I wanted to, look at the prescription, check through my old calendar, but I can’t be bothered. Does this mean I have moved on? Does this mean I truly do not care anymore?

I’m not sure really. What I do know for certain is that I am a different person from 12 months ago.

*I am happier
*I am more creative
*I am physically fitter
*I understand myself more
*I might be a little more confident
*I have better future prospects
*I am more stable
*I am more in control

With the last two especially I have my spikes and ups and downs. But I deal with them better I think. I think I have progressed since this time last year, and will continue to do so into the future. Here’s to another year of progress, may it be easier than the last.

PL&H

PS: I was nominated for an award by AnxiousElephant, to which I am incredibly flattered and grateful! I will write my response to that, but I need to be at my laptop and alert! Hopefully I can do it at the weekend at some point. Stay safe everyone.

I Want To Go To Texas

I want to go to Texas. As a follow on from yesterdays post “Girls, Girls, Girls, Girls,Girls I Do Adore” this will be another weakness I have in women. I listed multiple attributes of the physical variety yesterday, but this is a different one, but sort of linked.

After watching a tv show based in the southern states of American “Hart of Dixie” I have fallen in love with Southern Belles all over again. I am probably showing massive ignorance of the geography of the US, but the Alabama/Texan accent is so cute! The drawl on guys is awesome (I have matthew macconahey in my head right now) but the belles, good lord it makes my jaw drop.

That “oh I do decare” makes me want to behave so very badly. Apparently American girls love a British accent, and I have a standard southern English accent so I am certain I could ham it up and get really posh if necessary! I can also do a pretty good Irish accent so can switch between those freely (think soft Southern Irish rather than the harder Northern Irish)

Now, if you have noticed I have mentioned Belles a few times. That is because this particular type has caught my attention. I mean they are polite, well versed in public etiquette, always well turned out, cute as hell and well, I’ll wager they are not so prim and proper in all aspects of their life ;). As for that accent, I could just listen to that all day.

A bit of a jumbled post, not as structured as normal for me, but in a nutshell here is the jist of it: I want to meet a Southern Belle and do some very bad things with her 😉

PL&H

Girls, Girls, Girls, Girls, Girls I Do Adore…

I have been meaning to write this post for a while.  The title of this post is from a Jay Z track called “Girls Girls Girls” and it talks about the multiple women he has on the go and how much he adores the multitude of varieties out there for him to sample.  I am going to talk about a couple of my weaknesses/things I love in a woman.  This is going to be the physical aspect of women.  If you want to see what I think about the mental side of women see “Intelligence Is Sexy” and possibly “Can a Guy and a Girl Have a Completely Platonic Relationship”.  I am not a shallow fool, but I want to write about this!

I am going to list some features below and write a little description of what I like and why.

Legs

Nice legs on a girl are something I adore.  A nice set of pins can drive me absolutely wild.  I don’t like super skinny legs; a nice pair of thighs I can leave me weak at the knees, especially if it leads to a lovely….

Bottom

I love girl’s backsides!! It is one of my absolute favourite parts of the female anatomy.  There is a general rule of guys are split into boobs or legs and bum kind of guys, and I am definitely a legs and bum lover.  I like a nice round butt I can grab and give a cheeky spank to! Doesn’t have to be taut and super firm; a nice bit of jiggle is great in my opinion.  Flat bottomed girls I am sorry, but I need a girl with a nice badonk a donk!

Blondes

I have a weakness for women in general, but blondes are the most dangerous to me.  Put a cute flirty blonde in my presence and I will be eating out of her palm in 15 minutes.  Don’t get it twisted, I am a fairly manly bloke, but if a girly girl blonde starts up with me, I have a very difficult time resisting.  I prefer natural blondes, but dyed blondes are very fine with me also.  Honey, light or dark please.  Platinum is very hard to pull off, but I have seen a couple which would definitely make the cut!

Blue Eyes

They absolutely captivate me.  Blue eyes on either gender are just awesome and I love looking at them.  I am 100% straight so it is purely platonic admiration on a guy, but with girls…wowzer.  I have seen some amazing shades of blue in girl’s eyes.  One had this soft cornflower blue which was so sweet and adorable, matching her personality perfectly.  Another had these piercing ice blue eyes which screamed ferocity to me, but she was incredibly timid, until you got on her bad side.  Another has these light blue eyes which I can actually just feel myself falling into every time I look into them, she is mesmerising, and also a blonde so deadly to me!

Full Lips

Full lips lead to thoughts on kissing (keep it clean people; I know a few of you are thinking DSL, and not the internet variety!).  A full set of lips are just seductive as hell, matched with a nice gloss or lipstick/stain (I know way too much about make up for a dude) and HELLO!!

Petite Girls

Now, I am 5 foot 7 inches, so hardly what you would call a tall person.  Short girls are not only very cute to me, but the perfect height.  I have dated girls the same height as me and I was fine with it.  When in heels they were taller than me and that was not a problem, unless dancing or taking photos, then it became a little awkward.  Between 5ft and 5ft 3” is perfect really for me.

Womanly Curves

An hour-glass figure is sexy as hell.  I am a fan of multiple figures, but a nice bust with a nipped in waist and full hips….***leans head back and lets out a sigh***.  Skinny girls are cool, bigger girls are fine with me also, but if I have somewhere nice to rest my hands while I hold you, well that just makes things better for me!

This is not an exhaustive list of physical attributes, but they are the main ones.  The curves is a nice one, but not necessarily the most important.  All of them have changed over time and all of them will probably change in the future.  I will say for now though, if you are a petite blonde haired blue eyed girl with nice curves, a nice butt, great legs, nice lips and a decent personality send me a message! The odds are not in my favour for this in honesty (see what I did there?! Anyone!?) but hey, a guy can dream!

PL&H

Palpitations

The pain catches him off guard, his step faltering as he clutches his chest over the breast bone. His vision fuzzes like a static television and his lungs decide oxygen is poison and expells it all. His ribs decide that crushing his lungs is a great idea and close in on his upper body, causing him to double over.

Shooting pains fly down his left arm like bolts of electricity, bringing him to his knees as he clutches his chest with his left hand and rubs his left arm with his right hand. On one knee head bowed, breath shallow, eyes screwed shut and body hunched sweat pores out of him, drenching his shirt in seconds.

His heart pounds like the buzz of a hummingbird. Loud hard fast beats that make his chest shake and his chest scream in pain. 220 BPM is not healthy, that is for certain. He silently hopes for this to be a quick one, not his usual lengthy debilitating session.

Relief. As quickly as the pain arrived it dissipates. He rubs his arm to make sure the nerves are ok and flexes it, takes a few deep breaths to re-oxygenate his blood then stands up. He straightens his shirt and tie, finds his deoderant and sprays some on.

His vision clears up and he adjusts his hair and glasses, wiping his brow with his cuff. Off he strides again, he has things to do. Just another day in the making.

—-//—-

I strongly dislike having heart palpitations. I really, really do. That is pretty much exactly what happens to me. It is not fun.

PL&H

Surprisingly Chipper

I am not sure why I am quite so perky and happy this morning. Maybe it is because I had a good rest this weekend when I wasn’t out. Maybe it is me changing my pillow arrangement. Maybe it is because I have listened to the same LostProphets track 4 times in a row, either way, I’m feeling pretty good.

It is unusual for me to be this active and happy this early in the morning. I am not a morning person in even the remotest sense. I can be fake happy, which to some actually looks happy, but give me a lay in, a hot tea and a hot shower in the morning and I’ll be relatively human in about an hour.

Today I am sending out some more love and positivity and hugs to those who need it today. I have a fair bit extra at the current moment. Take some and enjoy!

PL&H

A Video That Hit Home Hard

**TW Suicide** But if you can please watch this.

I can’t tell if I am angry or upset.  I think I had heard about this in the background of my life, but watching this hit home hard.  The majority of these teenagers give me hope for humanity to get better.  This got me seriously emotional.  My love goes out to all right now, everyone who needs it, take a piece of me and go.  Don’t end it, there is more to live for than those horrible people out there.

PL&H

The Hand I Have Been Dealt

This evening has left me a little lost and confused.  I am not sure how to feel about everything.  There is a lyric which I have quoted tonight by Ludacris in some song which I cannot be bothered to look up, I think it is “Grew Up A Screw Up” but it goes:

“It’s not the cards you are dealt, but how you play your hand”

or something to that extent.

Anyway, I think I am playing with the hand I am dealt right now.  It is not a great one and many people keep reminding me of that, but it is what I have right now. I will not have a breakdown or have any sort of moment where I just snap, because simply put, I cannot.  I do what I have to and I will keep on going for the foreseeable future because that is just how it is right now.

Sorry for the dull serious realistic post today, my creativity was sapped earlier in aid of a friend.  I don’t have much left in the tank really.  I think I am going to watch crap and maybe talk to a friend.  I might carry on reading Mockingjay as well.  It isn’t a bad series.

PL&H, what little I have today I share with you.