Sleep related anxiety

So I am having a weird thing.

Saturday night I had pizza for dinner, which isn’t abnornal. However I think becuase I ate it so late (8pm isn’t even that late in my opinion) it stayed on my stomach and I think contributed to my dreams.

I had 2 nightmares.

The first one was around 2 am. I snuck into the kitchen at my dad’s old house to eat cake, then decided not to, but saw someone with a torch shine a light in. They then called the police and they came in the house and shot me. Think there was a news article similar to this with less cake. This is not the dream which bugs me.

The second dream is super brief. I was trapped in what felt like a large vase which constricted my movements and there was only a little oval of light above me which I reached towards. I woke up from this (I think I managed to wake myself up from it) but this dream has now bugged me last night (Sunday) and now tonight (Monday), to the point I’m only getting a few hours sleep, and I have to sleep sitting up.

I have claustrophobia, especially when it comes to dark small spaces. I have managed to brave lifts before, and I have a friend who lives on a 23rd floor apartment, so I use the lift for that, but otherwise I avoid small spaces. The reason this is affecting my sleep is that every time I close my eyes I see that small gap and I feel that everything is closing in on me. Closing my eyes makes me feel like the walls are coming in on me and I really don’t like that, obviously.

Recently there was an episode of Riverdale (spoilers) where Jughead is buried alive in a coffin. That is my worst nightmare. It is the reason I don’t want to be buried, but rather cremated. That episode messed with my head.

Then tonight, completely out of the blue while watching the new season of The Crown (spoilers) there is an episode about a giant diet mound avalanching and burying a school full of children and other people. I literally got 10 minutes into the episode and skipped to the next one as thankfully the episodes are self contained and you don’t really need to watch the previous one for the next one to make sense.

Closing my eyes means I can’t see (obviously). This in my head means that the walls are closing in on me and that I’m going to be buried. Even just being in the dark, in a bedroom I have had effectively 23 years is still not a safe space, which is really weird to me.

Just now before I wrote this currently (00.55 right now) I turned off my phone and even just looking into the darkness and seeing nothing in my room made me nervous. That’s messed up and really not me.

Is one dream really enough to get me this wound up. I think not when it’s daylight, I think not as I chill in bed watching things. I think not as it gets late and I turn off my devices and go to lay down and sleep. Then I close my eyes and it starts again. Maybe I am being too dramatic. It has only been two nights, but I didn’t expect this to go beyond just a normal nightmare. This is not ideal.

I’m a 30 hear old man and I think I need a nightlight. For now OK going to try sleeping sitting up again, hopefully that will help a little, otherwise I hope I am not developing some sort of tick now. It is so stupid and irrational and idiotic it shouldn’t even be a thing. But it is right now, and it’s not a thing I like.

PL&H

MMS

World Mental Health Day 2019

I put this up today for the people who need to hear it. That includes me.

Today has been another rough day and I’m struggling again. But today I remembered to breathe.

Breathe.

Sometimes a couple of deep breaths with your eyes closed just helps to recentre yourself and get on with what you need to do.

If today isn’t your day, hopefully tomorrow will be. If that isn’t, then I hope the next one is. Keep your head up, keep your heart full, and don’t you ever, ever give in to those dark urges. Don’t go back there again, never go back there again.

MMS

Same Same

Guess what, shits still the same.

It’s been a few weeks and you would think that things would have eased up a little, but they haven’t.

I just actually thought about it and it isn’t a few weeks. The last few weeks have been hard but this pressure level hasn’t eased since basically February. It has been months of under resourcing and overworking. I think I’m reaching the point where I’m losing the will. Even the simplest of reports is shaking out problems which should not exist, and as I find them they normally end up with me to fix. That absolutely should not be the case, as that is not how the process is, but a combination of key man dependencies mixed with lack of experience in the wider team leaves me in both a privileged and burdened position.

God I sound like a dick in that paragraph, but I’m not going to delete it. Stream of consciousness, that’s what this is and that is what this shall be. Work is my life and I have no progress in it. And as I have nothing else, nothing else is worth talking or can be talked about. My DnD group are struggling right now as our DM is going through some hardships. My closest friends from school have just had twins and another is newly married so they aren’t up for hanging out lately. I’m becoming more and more isolated from everything and with work being my focus and that going wrong, there is a distinct and real possibility of me spiralling. I can’t do that again. I don’t want to go back to that place again.

I don’t know fo writing this will help at all I truth. I don’t think it has really done much at all but at least I am putting this somewhere. Not that it is read anymore by any of the people who used to, and that is a good thing. That means they have either got better in their lives or moved past this POS situation.

This is whiney shit like I said last time, but this is my little carved out space to vent rather than go do this at a person who probably doesn’t understand and has more important shit to deal with than a full grown adult unable to handle life and the state that it is in right now.

Fuck it. Fuck it all.

MMS

Confused and angry

Don’t ask me why I did it, because I don’t know myself but I decided to look up an ex girlfriend of mine online. I don’t have social media applications so I searched her in a search engine and she popped up.

She is living where I had heard rumours of her moving to a few years back, and still works in the same capacity as she did before but for someone else. I searched her rough salary and she is earning a very good wage, but that isn’t want confused and annoyed me.

She is taking a training course in mental health to champion it. Whether that be in thr workplace or elsewhere. This is the same woman who broke up with me after I told her that I was going to go on medication to help my mental health. She was one of the reasons I started this blog back in 2012. I needed an outlet and I had lost the biggest support structure I had.

I had graduated University and was struggling with work. I then got broken up with and a week later got let go from my job. The week after that was Christmas and it was one of the worst I ever had, I was an absolute wreck of a human.

I’m still dealing with my mind now. I’m more withdrawn than I have ever been in my life and I’m considerably older. I am working as hard as I can to try and progress in my job, trying to support my parents and trying to get myself into a position where I can be a role model for my younger family. Yes, that is pressure, but it is what I have always done.

I just feel a little shocked and down right now. Sorry to put this on you Netty. Hope you are OK too.

PL&H

MMS

Back????

I’m writing this maybe 4 years perhaps since my last post. Unconfirmed fake news right there.

I’ll admit I’m under the influence after a few libations and a few spliffs.

Yes, I’m high. And that is very rare Netty.

The things we do around the women that we like. So embarrassing.

Of course I was a gent. When am I not?! May have been a few years since I last wrote, but I don’t try and sleep with taken women, even if they are hot. Or whatever.

Peace out

MMS

Julia, are you out there?

There have been a few people who I met through my blog who I kept in contact with. Julia is one of them. She is a doll but we drifted. 

I tried to message her via email again and instant messaging we used, but alas no response. Either the email is no longer in use, or she has decided to no longer message me. 

So this one is out to her. If you even read this thing checking up on me, let me know. Be good to know you’re still out there. Keep smiling. 

PL&H

MMS

Checking in

Hi Y’all.

Just to verify I am still alive.  I don’t write much anymore on here, however do not fear, I still creep in the background and read occasionally.  I will admit most of the bloggers I followed at the start have all dropped off, and I went the same way effectively, but I might just start up again.

Work has got very complicated but I have an interview on Wednesday.  Girlfriend is great, will be flying home tomorrow after spending a week in Portugal with her family.

I am relatively sane, though I have been more insecure than I normally am.  Have been talking to my closest to help me and they have really been an incredible support. So thank you to them.  Not that they will see this, as they don’t think I even post anymore.

Oh and my father who I have not seen in over a year came down to support me.  Who knew he would pull through for me when things got really tough.  I was surprised, but in a good way.

Just so you know I am alive and well Netty.  Don’t worry I am still obsessed with you.

MMS

I cannot do anything right.  At all.

Background: I have just got promoted, sort of, to the same job at a larger store.  I have a new guy who has come in at the same level as me and he is 19.  at 26 this is not how I saw my life.  He is loud and incredibly camp, and it is really grating on me.

Don’t get it twisted here.  I am not homophobic.  I could not have worked where I have, nor got through my life without being tolerant of everyone and everything around me.  What I can’t deal with is the out and out, obnoxiously loud, in your face, everything defining who I am is based in my sexuality, camp ways this kid has.

Work is also leading to me getting into trouble there.  I have had two sit down conversations since I have walked in nearly a month ago which have been written and recorded in my file.  I have not had any positive feedback whatsoever on my work, just criticism or just no comment whatsoever.  I work my balls off at work and I feel absolutely nothing is being recognised.  I feel like I am just another cog in a machine which doesn’t really want me there.  A useless cog.

My girlfriend is trying to be as supportive as she can but she is getting annoyed at me too.  Work rearranges my shifts and I just go and do the shifts.  I got to the position I am in now because of the fact that I always say yes.  If it needs to be done I will do it, no questions asked.  That is the reason I have progressed in the way that I have.  I always say yes and I am at 100% go from the moment I walk in the door to the moment I walk out.

Now that I have a girlfriend I now have a semblance of a social life.  I keep bailing on events because I have to work another shift or because I have to be up super early (like SUPER early) to get to work in the morning.  It is effecting her and I have apologised and told her to go to her events anyway.  I am there only because I am your boyfriend, not because they care. They are your friends not mine.  I have had hits on “our” time as well, both regular and intimate, and that is a strain more for her than me.  I just deal with what I have and try not to drown in a sea of shit.

So I go to work and I feel useless, then I come home and feel inadequate and like my girlfriend is not happy with me.  We bicker, she gets annoyed that I cannot remember her rota, and I am never available to be sociable.  I can barely remember my own rota, remembering someone elses is too much.  As for the social aspect, I am not a sociable person.  In honesty I don’t event think I am a nice person, but there we go.

TL:DR I feel useless and inadequate in both my work “professional” life and my home “personal” life.  I am just one big fuck up.

MMS

Hard Few Days

I have been really struggling the last few days. 

I just fucked up with a customer who I couldn’t get anything to work with and then the girl who constantly undermines me goes and sells £700 worth of goods to them. I fucked up.

I feel like she is better at my job than me and quite frankly I want to leave. I want to just crawl into a hole and not hole out.

Yesterday’s post you can see I just fucked up with everything I said on a night out. Tonight I am supposed to be out for my Christmas do, and one of the other team members father has just got cancer. She found out today.

I don’t want to go out. I don’t want to be anywhere but in my room on my laptop disconnected from real people and the real world. I don’t even want to see my girlfriend because I fucked up with her not remembering she had a camera shoved up her nose yesterday.

I’m spiralling and I know it. I’ve put on a fair bit of weight lately and it is upsetting but I can’t stop eating because I always seem to be hungry. Or I will go a whole day and won’t eat at all. It’s just fucked up.

I can’t explain all of it properly because I don’t even understand it all myself. But I am not in a great place. I want to cry but part of me knows that is accepting that I am a wuss and once again unable to control myself.

If I say anything I feel like an attention seeker. If I walked into work right now I know they are talking about how I fucked up. I know the girls last night think I’m an idiot, I know my girlfriend is annoyed at me and struggling with her own work and life issues. I am just a pussy.

I just want it all to stop. All of it to stop.

Not As Smooth Anymore

Today I have been very quiet at work. People picked up on it and asked me what it was all about and I just said to them it was home stuff and I didn’t want to talk about it. Most didn’t pursue it any further than that and that was great. I managed to put on a bit more of a mask as the afternoon and evening wore on, so people didn’t care anymore so that was good.

I got invited out to go to a leaving do for a girl I have mentioned on here previously and her best friend. Both were employed by the company I work for, and both have left because their line manager is basically a joke. The meal ended up being me and 4 girls. I was expecting another guy, but he bailed.

I effectively turned into the biggest arsehole this evening. I am pretty certain every single thing that came out of my mouth insulted one of the four women present. The one sitting opposite me ended up getting thoroughly pissed at me but masked it well. You know when you just get that tone, yeah, I got that.

I even managed to insult the girl that I used to like. How on earth I did that I don’t even know, but effectively I suffered a serious case of foot in mouth syndrome tonight.

I am not sure how to talk to women anymore. I get accused of being a flirt, of being a charmer and all these things, but when it comes down to it, actually talking to a woman in a friendly situation I am absolutely useless. I used to be so good at it and now I just seem to insult and upset those around me of the fairer sex.

I think I am rather lucky to have a girlfriend who doesn’t think I am a complete tosser. Though I completely forgot that she was having a camera shoved down her nose today. Shitty boyfriend of the year over here.

How did I get so bad. Seriously.