Here Is Me

There is my account on SoundCloud and now you can hear the sound of my voice! I am unsure as to what the tapping is that you can hear in the background.  I did that first time after testing to make sure I could be heard.  It is clearly unedited, improvised and rather amateurish, but then so is everything about me.  I hope you don’t judge me too much for saying “gunna” instead of going to.  I massively judge myself for doing it in honesty, but there it is, I have done it.  Hope you (whoever you are) like it.


Sunday Morning Day Is Dawning…

That was Maroon 5 esque. I am partial to a bit of Maroon 5; Songs About Jane is a terrific album.

This morning I managed to get up and am sitting on my train at the correct time. I would like to thank BlackBerry for making it so my phone adjusts automatically for daylight savings. It made my life so much easier. That still didn’t stop me setting my alarm at 3am instead of 4am, comparing the times between my watch and phone, then once verifying that my phone had gone forward an hour against my watch falling back asleep for another hour! I know, I’m crazy, but I want to be at work on time!

I am nervous about the idea of posting a voice clip a little. Nervous but excited. I think I will post 2: one of me talking normally and one of me reading a poem. I hope my voice comes across well. I am also pretty certain I will do this tonight using the mic on my laptop assuming I have the courage/energy/record something that sounds half decent. That is something for me to look forward to after work. Who knows, it may progress to videos! Doubtful, but maybe.

I think today will be dull at work being Easter Sunday, but we will see. Hopefully will be talking to you properly tonight Netty! I hope you are excited!


How Do You Hear Me?

I wonder this right now.  How do you hear my voice on this blog? Do I have a deep voice or a softer one? Is my voice rich or scratchy, growly or calming? Do I have an accent? Do I miss letters and sound “street”?

How does my voice sound to you.  Also, would you be interested in hearing it for real, as a sound bite? I am considering reading some of my poetry as spoken word and posting it.  Anyone like that idea?


Violence Doesn’t End Violence, It Extends It.

I have had this title as a topic knocking around for a while but never had something I could actually write about which I felt moved to. This is not be belittle other wars or conflicts/uprisings, it is just this has hit me more now and I feel the need to write.

As a child I was told something by a parent and it has stuck with me over the years.

“If you get into a fight: hit them hard. Hit them hard and make sure they go down, and stay down.”

In a way that is violence ending violence. An act or threat is enacted towards you, you react and make sure that you finish it. The idea sounds good, but in reality it only ends it short term. It can lead to retaliation at a later date, be that by the individual once recovered, or by the affiliates of the other party. That or you haven’t made your message clear enough.

As bad as it is, I am not anti violence, but I am not pro it either. I am not one to turn the other cheek, but I don’t go out and intentionally look for trouble, unless it is in the defence of someone else.

There are scant few times I have lashed out at a person in anger. One time the guy asked for it, then goaded me so I did and knocked him unconscious. The others I will not talk about.

The only reason this is in my head is because of the escalating situation between North Korea and the world. They have cut ties with South Korea, cancelled the armistice, threatened violence against both the US and South Korea and the nuclear testing in February makes me think they want trouble. Sources say that Guam, Alaska and Hawaii are potential targets. The US have reacted by a display of power, flying B-52 stealth bombers (which can carry nuclear payloads) across the South to show range and quick reaction times should things escalate out of control. Kim Jong-Un is a dangerous man; he is a man looking to prove himself not only to his people, but to the world, and to really leave his mark. An inflated ego like that is potentially very dangerous, and if he doesn’t get what he wants, his idea of throwing his toys out of the pram will be very, very bad.

China is sitting back and trying to calm North Korea; as they are trading partners and a world war is not something that the civilised world really wants, or needs. The US is waiting for them to make their move. As a super power, and holder of the moral high ground, they cannot just go in and attack. They must be reactive. That said if things de escalate, the UN better seriously get into gear and slap some serious sanctions on North Korea, or there will be a outcry across the globe.

This would be a considerably easier situation if North Korean brass was less antagonistic and did not have a war mentality. They want war, they want it bad, and the reaction is going to have a global effect. This whole situation needs to be de escalated as soon as possible and talks need to be held to a) protect South Korea from an invasion and b) protect the world from a very dangerous premier in the form of Kim Jong-Un.


The BEST Table Talk EVER

I am a big fan of Philly D and SourceFed. They provide great news, albeit mainly US related, but it does help me keep up with international news as well in a funny and open way. Phil has his own channel and in the main guy running SourceFed. Meg and Steve are two of the hosts. I love this mainly because I have a serious thing for Meg, like it is not even funny how insanely attractive I find her. Also her language is very unladylike IMHO but I like it from her. Also she seems to be very knowledgeable, funny, quirky, crazy and she Cosplays!

Reawakening An Old Me

I was talking to someone the other day and I said something to her on the phone which I never really say unless in specific situations.  It was highly unusual for it to even slip out of me considering my mind frame and my recent activities, but it slipped out and she reacted as she knew what it meant.  It is like a trigger phrase almost, but not in the sense that it makes the person get anxious or upset, rather that it signals a change in tone.  

Now, post conversation on the phone I mentioned something in text and she replied “Why thank you kind sir”.  That phrase has two parts to it, one which is nice, and one which is attempting to get a rise out of me.  It worked, absolutely as I corrected the individual for the mistake which should be apparent to people who like good grammar and the like.  

It is odd for me to switch to that side of me again, a side which has been pretty well suppressed for a while now as it was starting to consume my thoughts and dictate a great deal of my actions, which is something I could not let happen in my current mental state.  I wonder whether I will ever indulge that side of me again fully, or if it is something I can suppress and forget.  


Feeling Fuzzy

When I wrote the post I did this morning I felt kind of fuzzy. That is the only way I can describe how I feel today. Fuzzy. Everything seems a little blurry, more difficult than it should be and just pains me to do mentally. Even tidying and moving, or simple maths seems like a difficult task.

I had a couple of drinks last night and I was nowhere near drunk. The massive steak dinner my friend and I had balanced that out. He basically refused to let me pay for half, so I told him he could take it from me, or I would leave it in his house before I left, his choice.

This post feels like it will suck, as my last one probably did too. I feel like I am in a haze, everything is just fuzzy.

Reactions to Feeling Overwhelmed

TW: negative coping mechanisms discussed. Be careful.

This morning I woke up and I couldn’t stop thinking about how people react when things get beyond the point they can handle; that feeling of being desolate and completely overwhelmed. I thought about the different ways people react to it.

*Some act out to get attention by being loud or rude or obnoxious. By having attention they can talk about it or validate their feelings.

*Some just curl up in a ball and cry for extended periods of time. It acts like a purging system, crying until you can cry no more and you are numb.

*Some resort to violence; seeking out arguments and fights, or through passive aggression. Both are just anger manifested in different forms from feeling helpless.

*Some cut. The feeling of control over the flow of blood, the rush of chemicals in the body and the release feels like a high and relives stress, even though it is short term.

*Some substance abuse; be that alcohol, prescription or illegal drugs. Dosing up on sleeping tablets or painkillers to numb themselves so they float through and don’t have to face the problems. Drinking oneself into a stupor so you don’t have to deal; escapism.

*Some disassociate and detach completely. They forget it even happened, cordoning the thing off and moving on. Or sometimes forget who they are and carry on with part of themselves missing

*Some power through. Some have the incredible strength of mind and character to bite the bullet and carry on, not stopping but keep trying. Eventually it will be a case of “the straw that broke the camels back”, but they cope for now.
*Some indulge in carnal pleasures. It is both an ego boost as well as a chemical one to feel wanted or used, depending on your standpoint. It helps with validation of the individuals self worth, be that good or bad.

*Some do nothing. They carry on with their lives and do what they do, but have dread and fear inside them, even if it doesn’t always manifest on their faces. In those with less control it is clearly visible they are struggling, but they do the job in hand anyway.

*Some talk; be that a friend, relative, therapist, pet, stranger, inanimate object or blog. It can be logical, it can just be like a dam has burst and everything flows forward. Either way they let it out verbally. Can include tears.

I have done a few of those, and still do some of them now. I haven’t mentioned one of my methods, well I have, just not the form I use. I would be really interested to hear what other peoples coping mechanisms are, or the ones they have heard of. Feel free to share below if you can. Otherwise thanks for reading.


What Would You Do With £10 million?

I think there is a fairly long list of things I would do if I won ten million pounds.

*pay off both parents/several family mortgages (£1 million)
*pay off a couple of friends mortgages (£400,000)
*buy at least one property in Canterbury, Texas, Madrid, Mauritius, Brighton, London, Paris and Hong Kong. (£4 million)
*Invest £2 million a low yield secure fund to mature over extended period of time. Even at 2% PA that’s £40k a year (£2 million)
*give £50,000 to a few friends to spend how they choose (£300,000)
*give to charity (£1 million spread across multiple charities)
*big holiday for my family, all expenses paid (£150,000)

That is £8,850,000 (if my maths is correct) spent of my £10 million pounds. The rest I would probably put into the bank and let mature at a regular interest rate. A rather boring post for most to read probably. No fireworks, or big Elton John White Party or Abramovich yachts or limited edition Rolex oysters or Breitlings, or tags or Hublots….ok maybe I just decided to “invest” in some watches! I’m a boring kinda guy, but everyone I care about will be looked after. They were there for me when I am as I am now, so they will be secure for as long as I can help them.

What would you do with £10 million? I’d be interested to hear other opinions.



No matter how many times I do it I always feel like a ninja when I jump through closing doors on the train/tube and make it. I felt like a badass ninja today. Twice. Clearly today is a good morning. Good dreams, good tea, good journey, let’s hope day 1/7 at work is good too.

I have a feeling that as this working stint progresses my mood and the ambiance of these posts will deteriorate along with it, but hopefully I can keep my mood up and keep my chin up. Trying to be positive, regardless of the argument I had yesterday with my mother, the idiocy of myself for losing something important and me managing to bite my tongue and it bleeding. That last one had a silver lining as I kind of like the taste of blood. The metallic tang is quite nice in a weird sort of way. Suppose that is a perfect descriptor of me really; quite nice in a weird sort of way.

Hope everyone else is ok, I will probably post again later on.