I have been really struggling the last few days.
I just fucked up with a customer who I couldn’t get anything to work with and then the girl who constantly undermines me goes and sells £700 worth of goods to them. I fucked up.
I feel like she is better at my job than me and quite frankly I want to leave. I want to just crawl into a hole and not hole out.
Yesterday’s post you can see I just fucked up with everything I said on a night out. Tonight I am supposed to be out for my Christmas do, and one of the other team members father has just got cancer. She found out today.
I don’t want to go out. I don’t want to be anywhere but in my room on my laptop disconnected from real people and the real world. I don’t even want to see my girlfriend because I fucked up with her not remembering she had a camera shoved up her nose yesterday.
I’m spiralling and I know it. I’ve put on a fair bit of weight lately and it is upsetting but I can’t stop eating because I always seem to be hungry. Or I will go a whole day and won’t eat at all. It’s just fucked up.
I can’t explain all of it properly because I don’t even understand it all myself. But I am not in a great place. I want to cry but part of me knows that is accepting that I am a wuss and once again unable to control myself.
If I say anything I feel like an attention seeker. If I walked into work right now I know they are talking about how I fucked up. I know the girls last night think I’m an idiot, I know my girlfriend is annoyed at me and struggling with her own work and life issues. I am just a pussy.
I just want it all to stop. All of it to stop.
Today I have been very quiet at work. People picked up on it and asked me what it was all about and I just said to them it was home stuff and I didn’t want to talk about it. Most didn’t pursue it any further than that and that was great. I managed to put on a bit more of a mask as the afternoon and evening wore on, so people didn’t care anymore so that was good.
I got invited out to go to a leaving do for a girl I have mentioned on here previously and her best friend. Both were employed by the company I work for, and both have left because their line manager is basically a joke. The meal ended up being me and 4 girls. I was expecting another guy, but he bailed.
I effectively turned into the biggest arsehole this evening. I am pretty certain every single thing that came out of my mouth insulted one of the four women present. The one sitting opposite me ended up getting thoroughly pissed at me but masked it well. You know when you just get that tone, yeah, I got that.
I even managed to insult the girl that I used to like. How on earth I did that I don’t even know, but effectively I suffered a serious case of foot in mouth syndrome tonight.
I am not sure how to talk to women anymore. I get accused of being a flirt, of being a charmer and all these things, but when it comes down to it, actually talking to a woman in a friendly situation I am absolutely useless. I used to be so good at it and now I just seem to insult and upset those around me of the fairer sex.
I think I am rather lucky to have a girlfriend who doesn’t think I am a complete tosser. Though I completely forgot that she was having a camera shoved down her nose today. Shitty boyfriend of the year over here.
How did I get so bad. Seriously.