It Makes Sense Now

My mood has been terrible of late.  I have been really, really struggling.  I have been unable to keep myself happy when I need to be, at times isolating myself at work by doing solo tasks which require me to be away from everyone else in the stockroom.  Just plugging in some music and working away without the need for physical company.

Of course I have had to put a front on and smile; I work in sales, it is a requirement.  However yesterday I worked out why I was feeling like this.

I got back into the country on the 9th of December.  I started work on the 10th.  Between the 10th and the 30th I have worked 18 days.  I have had 2 days off since returning.  I have been ill, but carried on.  That was because I went from blistering hot weather to cold English weather without allowing time for my body to adjust.  I have not given my body a break to get back to a status quo.

More importantly I have not given my mind a break to just be mush.  I have had nothing but work on my brain pretty much.  I worked all through Christmas which meant I didn’t really have one.  My Christmas was leftovers raided from the fridge and a beer anyway as I had work.

I now have time off so hopefully I can recuperate and get back to it.  My colleagues think I am a mug for stepping up and helping out, my boss thinks I am a lifesaver and I think I am doing my job.  That said, I do not want this to be my job forever.  I will need to get back on job hunting even harder and find myself something more…stable.

I am sorry if my posts have been rubbish, and I am sorry if I have negatively affected anyone with my words.

I wish you all a Happy New Year.  I personally see it as just another day, similar to how I see birthdays and christmas, but it means more to my family and other people.  So Happy New Year to you all.

MMS

Katy Perry – Unconditionally

This song.  I have not been able to get it out of my head.  I didn’t know it was one of her songs, I just heard it and I loved it.  It spoke to me on a level which I couldn’t quite get.  It is how I feel about the people I care about, and what I one day hope to have within my life.

I will love you.  Unconditionally.

MMS

I Give Up With Today

Today has just been a culmination of screw ups and mistakes since the minute I walked into work, which has culminated in money being missing and me having to stay over an hour and a half after work to sort it out.  I have now worked 6 days in a row, going onto my 7th which include working Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing day, my day off and working alone as I had to send one of the girls home as she threw up.  I have worked well over 65 hours and guess what I will be doing tomorrow.  That is correct.  I am working again.

I will have to say thank you to a friend of mine who came from the other area to stay after work and help me sort out the errors everyone else had made which I was cleaning up.  Why was I cleaning their mistakes up, because it is the end of the day, and I have to so they can be fresh tomorrow.

I walked home hungry still, and walked into two different kebab shops, to be told they have no more food.  So that is what this day has culminated in.  I have come home to find no food, apart from two bags of crisps which are now my dinner.

Do you know what I really want.  More than anything right now.  I want a hug.   I want to be told that it is ok, that this is just a bad streak of luck and that when my days off arrive in 2 days time I will have fun and I will be able to move past this.  I want to just be able to hold someone and just let my stress and tension and everything that is wrong just melt away.

But I don’t have that.  So I am going to hold a pillow, because that is the closest thing I am going to get right now to comfort, to reassuarance and to hope that tomorrow will not be incredibly hard work again and that I am not just going to walk into another day of being me.

My eyes are welling up and even while shit was going wrong around me I still managed to smile to help a colleague who was upset, reassured the girl who I was cleaning most of her mess up that it happens to all of us and that it is ok, and teach the new guy how to do a whole bunch of stuff.  I am the pillar for everyone, but who do I lean on.  Same thing happened over a year ago, with this post here and that person is no longer in my life.

Today I was also subtly, but not offensively reminded that I was single.  When NYE comes there will be 5 of us playing Cranium, with two teams.  A team of one couple, and a team with another couple and me.  Because I don’t have a partner to couple up with and challenge others.  Because I am unattached.

I am such a broken record.  I want this year to end and this to end.  But it won’t.  It is the rat race, and the only way out is to die.

Vulnerable Pt 2

Basically what I was trying to say in my pseudo intellectual crapola that I spouted out in Pt 1 is that it is damn hard to show emotion as a man.

I feel that it is inherent to us as men to not display emotions which make us seen weak or vulnerable, because as men we are supposed to be strong for ourselves and others.  We are supposed to be the support structure which families are built around, which relationships depend on, which businesses look up to, which many religions look up to (a male deity that is).

I do believe it is nature for us, but there is a nurture factor as well.  I do not know about all men, but those who I know, and still associate with anyway are taught how to be gentlemen from a young age.  How to treat women a woman with respect by simple acts such as opening doors, ladies first, offering your coat when they are cold, helping lift heavier objects, avoiding too much profanity (if any in some cases), not being lecherous, I could go on, but I imagine you get the idea.

We are taught that women are to be cared for and looked after. This is not to say that they cannot hold their own, trust me when I say I know they are more than capable, if not more capable than men in multiple fields.  However, men are to be strong for their women, take charge and control of situations, be the breadwinner and be the “man of the house”

In the current day and age we live in my views and opinions I am expressing may seem dated, but they still mean something to me.  I would never cry in front of a woman.  Never.  I have cried in front of only a handful of men ever, and I do not intend to increase that number at any time int he next 50 years.   Crying is weakness.

I had a night out when I was with 5 girls and no matter how much I drank, which equated to a hell of a lot, I could not get drunk.  The reason I believe for this strange happening?  I was with 2 guys and we were watching out for the girls while we were in the club.  They are all beautiful and the while one guy was hooking up, the other guy and I felt worried about all the lecherous and deviant individuals who were trying to take advantage of our incredibly drunk and beautiful female friends.  It got to a point we nearly got in a massive fight with a few of them for getting handsy and not taking the hint from the girls that they were not interested in them.

I have been raised to look after the women in my life, and that is something I do with pride.  I do what I can to help my mother and aunts, I help the girls out at work as far as I can, and we shall not discuss what I have done for the girls I am close to, because to some it would look like they are using me, and to an extent I know that it could be seen that way, but it is not like that.  I care for them so I do what I can to make sure they are ok and to help them in any way I physically can.

I said I would never cry in front of a woman.  At times I find it difficult to sit down and really tell a woman how I am feeling either about them, or about whatever I am feeling.  That is why I have this blog.  It helps me to process.  I am a faceless individual.  I am just another random angsty waste of time pouring out their emotions onto a keyboard as they have nothing better to do other than pretend they have issues so as to gain attention.

I think nature and nurture has lead men to a point where we see emotions as negative attributes.  We are becoming cold.  Women want “tall, dark, handsome and mysterious”.  The stoic attitude which makes us “manly” is a desirable attribute.  I chose to feel because if I try not to, it tears me to shreds inside and I end up in an even more messed up state than I already am.

I am vulnerable to an extent.  But I can never truly be prone and open ever again. It only leads to pain, and the potential for betrayal.  Call me a cynic, call me damaged goods, call me whatever you like.  Trust me, as I have grown up I have been called more names than you can possibly imagine. But I am damaged, I am a cynic, and I am a great deal of those names.   I have had to harden myself so not to let them hurt me anymore, so as to not let the tears fall, so as to not be weak.

MMS

Vulnerable Pt 1

Why is it so difficult as a male to feel?

I am not saying this as a ” females do not have difficulty expressing their emotions also”, but as a concept whereby it is inherently ingrained within the male psyche, even beyond nurture, to that of nature, that men are not allowed to feel vulnerable.  

From the way that I have seen it is always seen as feminine, which is not a negative in regards to my personal opinion, but in regards to what I am writing, is negative.  We will not even delve into that bag of cats as to have “feminine” traits within men are deemed as less than desirable as that could be a whole volume of tomes by itself.  

What I wish to reiterate is the fact that it is difficult for a man to feel, especially with regards to the emotion of vulnerability.  I could just be spouting pure nonsense, which is highly likely as I tend to do so and am far from well read or an intellectual individual, however I think that men are predisposed to hide their emotional responses, as to show fear or vulnerability is dangerous for their future as well as for their prospects of finding a mate.  

As children we cry when we are sad or hurt, but as we get older, into the teenage years, males tend to bury their emotions deep within themselves.  They do not discuss them, they do not deal with them, and they absolutely do not let them come to the surface for fear of looking weak.  To be seen as weak makes you not only less attractive to the opposite sex, but makes you a potential target to the other males in your vicinity.  

This sounds all very animalistic and very much like we are on the Serengeti in Africa,  but that is because I believe it is a base urge dating back to the most primal state of our being.  As males we are not allowed to show fear, as if we do we will be beaten by our prey that we are hunting, or be cast out of our peer groups.  

In modern times I feel that to show weakness in ones peer group is becoming more socially acceptable, but only with those peers who are closest to us.  

What is your reaction to seeing a man crying?  It may be an overgeneralistation to state this, but it is a weakened state.  it is not the strong rock of a man which societies and empires have been built upon, but a weak, less powerful state which shows he is incapable of dealing with the pressure.

What I am trying to say, if badly, is that being vulnerable as a man is not something done easily, if at all because we are predisposed to not display weaker emotions so that we can be strong for the collective.  

Tired and Frustrated

The Colour Of Sexual Frustration

I am feeling tired and frustrated, funnily enough exactly how this title is.  Let us break down this tiredness and frustration into its component factors and analyse them shall we children?

Tired
This emotion can be broken down into physical and emotional.  I am physically tired as I have been working Christmas eve, Christmas day and boxing day.  Christmas eve I spent two extra hours at work helping out.  Christmas day my colleague came in hungover, and I mean crying in the taxi home my life is shit hungover, so I did most of the work, and there was a lot of work.  Today I sent my colleague home as she was throwing up and I called the boss to tell him so.  I spent 3 hours on my own, and made £3000 in that time, while doing other jobs.  Also, I have been doing Christmas presents and I have worked through my lunches on the last two days, because of being busy yesterday and because there was no one to cover me today.
On the emotional side I have been smiling, happy and take all the shit guy at work, which means things get done, but it is exhausting to put up such a front all the time.  Christmas day I got home from work about 3pm and raided the fridge for leftovers from Christmas lunch which had been eaten without me.  Found a few bits and nuked them in the microwave and had a beer, the went upstairs and drank a few whiskies in my bed, toasting my good fortune and the great year it has been for me.  Is it wrong to drink alone? Being happy and constantly having to step up to the plate at work and focus is draining me, with my broken sleep patterns returning and my dreams, it is starting to get to me.

Frustrated
Frustration stems from multiple areas.  At home I feel like I am distancing myself because I just do not want to deal with the drama anymore.  The Christmas tree was only put up because my brothers girlfriend said we should have it, on the 20th of December.  She and my brother decorated it while I was at work.  Also at home when I sleep I have been having dreams.  This is not unusual, I dream a great deal, but the subject matter is what is frustrating.  Purple is the symbolic colour of sexual frustration, and that is clearly bleeding through into my dreams.  Some are tamer, some are wilder, some are bat-shit insane, but the worst ones are the dreams about the memories that I have.  Those ones are the ones that really screw with my head.  I would write about it, but it would have to be a PPP.
At work I am getting frustrated at not being able to go and help where I need to.  I am annoyed that I keep having to work on my days off to cover people because my supervisor doesn’t give a shit and I am the one who has to pick up the slack.  I don’t do as much admin as her, but she doesn’t do any of the physical work like I do.  She genuinely said “You should open the safe, that involves bending and that’s a man’s job”.  You do not want to know what I thought as a response involving bending, a mans job and her.

So there you have it boys and girls.  I am Tired.  I am Frustrated.  I am also a couple of other things but I refuse to acknowledge those thoughts because I am not going to that place.  That place is dark.  A dark hole which I will not let myself go down.  On the positive side I shared my double sausage and egg McMuffin with one of the girls next door to me at work as she was hungry and I was feeling generous, so I think I have made a friend.  That’s a positive.

Hope everyone had a good Christmas.

MMS

If You Don’t Have Anything Nice To Say…

The last few days I have been feeling down.  I have been flicking between kind of angry and feeling rubbish about myself.  Disliking my capabilities, my looks, pretty much everything about my very existence.  It is not great and it has been bugging me for the last few days, but today while walking home from work something clicked.

A friend of mine was texting me, asking about work and how things are, as well as filling me in on some things I need to be aware of before I walk into his store.  He was punctuating his information with “banter” which is, in effect, insults levelled at a person.  You go back and forth with these insults.

I am not a fan of the word “banter” nor am I a particular fan of this for a form of conversation.  I normally just accept the insult and say something nice, which completely throws the person off and ends it.  “Banter” is usually just thinly veiled insults which are based in complete truth about a person, dressed up as a joke.  It got to a point where I said to my friend:

“If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”

He stopped after that and we started talking about films.  That small exchange though made my mind frame change while I walked home in the dark and made me know what is bugging me.

I have been keeping quiet.  I have been locking down and bottling up my feelings about work and my current environment for the last few days/week or so.  I have have had nothing nice to say, so I have said nothing at all.  It has lead to this self loathing and anger inside me just eating away in my stomach.  While walking home all I wanted to do was break things.  I wanted to go back to work and smash the living hell out of some boxes.  I wanted to break objects and have the satisfactions of knowing I had destroyed something.  It is just like the Fight Club scene which I have mentioned before in a previous post.  I wanted to destroy something beautiful.

I still do want to do that right now.  The is a massive crack in my wardrobe door from where I lost my cool and put my fist into it.  Reading both of the linked posts have brought back bad memories which seem to have only compounded the anger I am feeling.

I know exactly what I would love to do right now, I can feel the sadist in me wanting to wreak havoc.  I have never really and truly let lose on anyone ever, as I am terrified of what I am truly capable of.  I never hit people (except a few rare occasions) I always break things, not people. Objects cannot cry, objects cannot be hurt, objects won’t haunt me.

I need to find a way to release this anger within me.  To push this aggression out of my system before it hurts me, or worse, someone else.

What I am pretty certain will happen to me if I do not sort this out, and soon.

MMS

Destroid

Just gave myself tinnitus in 14 minutes.  Guess I should turn it up and put it on repeat. This is by no means “good” music. However it is mindless bass which is perfect right now. Completely, beautifully, perfect.

MMS

Ugh

Sometimes I feel like the most confident person in the world. I feel any task thrown at me is a piece of cake, not only at home, but at work and in my (limited albeit) social life. I feel I can handle everything that is going on with ease and still have time to have a cup of tea and knock out a nice little 2000 word story which makes me so happy.

Days like those are the best days for me. I mean it. I feel like I am not only happy with everything in the world around me, but I am happy with myself.

But other times, those are not so good. They are the days where I wake up and I do not want to get out of bed. They are the days where my body seems to be unattached to my mind. They are the days when even when I try my damn hardest to get things on track and moving, even a tiny bit, in the right direction, and my whole train derails. Those days I just wish I could hibernate and forget about everything and everyone in this world. Just close my eyes, curl up in a ball and embrace the darkness that is slumber.

I am not depressed. I refuse to be. I refuse to be that person again. I cannot be that person again. The one who is happy one minute then day dreaming horrific thoughts the next. I will not be that person again. Today though, this morning, at 3:20am, I am not someone I like. I want to be great today, I want to really make things happen, but I know I won’t today. I know I will have too many constraints on my actions which I cannot control which will stop me. I know I will not be able to do everything I want to. Hell, I look at that, I am making excuses for my ineptitude already. Great work MMS. Way to go.

Today may turn out ok, but I doubt it. And that is ok. Because it is normal for people to have bad days. They happen. What I cannot let happen is for it to turn into a bad week. Especially at Christmas. You’re supposed to be happy at Christmas. Right? I know who I was texting and lamenting with last Christmas. I know I missed my mother and was upset at my grandmothers passing last year at Christmas. I had an excuse to be a bit low.

Now? What is you’re excuse today? You’re ill? You are tired? You are an idiot? You’re not an idiot, your degree would state otherwise, but that just proves you are booksmart, but you could hardly call yourself academic. You are ill and tired, that much I can give you, but you know what, tough luck mate, you got to work, you got to earn and you got to keep going.

You can stop in 33 years when you retire, assuming they don’t raise the age even further in your lifetime, which they probably will. Assuming you make it to 67 anyway. Screw today.

If there is some deity up there, or even if it is just Morgan Freeman or that singer in Dogma, I could use a hand today. Or did I use up all my good karma on my accident? I did? Well fuck, looks like I will be clawing my way through today then. Joyous.

MMS

Here They Come (Little One)

Close your eyes Little One,
You don’t need to see this,
Count to ten and hold me close,
We will be OK.

Close your eyes Little One,
It will all be over soon,
Don’t be scared by the noises,
You are safe with me.

Close your eyes Little One,
I will not let them hurt you,
Hide in my chest and remember,
Keep your eyes closed.

Close your eyes Little One,
Soon it will all be over,
Listen to what I am saying to you,
I love you dear Little One.