His First Day and A Dark Mind

Today finally came.  Today is the day I dropped my brother off at university.  This day has been a long time coming, and I am not going to lie I am excited for him, but right now I just miss him like fuck.

Last night we went out for a goodbye meal with the parents at a local Chinese which was really good.  Afterwards I took my brother out for a drink to say goodbye and to talk through anything he wanted to know before leaving.  It turned out we saw a group of guys I knew in the second pub, my lady turned up briefly before going off with her friends (who approve of me having met me now) and I got him drunker than he has ever been after 9 rounds and a few shots.  He woke up with his first hangover (very mild though) and said it was the best night he has ever had out. I could not have been more proud to give him a better send off than that really.

The journey was quick as he is only an hour and a bit from home, much closer than I was, and his campus is much smaller, but that just makes it easier to navigate.  Moving him in was a quick and painless experience, and while my parents went to a meeting for parents of new students I stayed with The Kid and helped him unpack.  He has a roommate, which is unusual in UK universities, but the rest of the people in his hall seem cool.  Shared bathroom is normal, kitchen is spacious and he is catered anyway which is included in the cost of his accommodation so at least he will be warm and fed in his first year.

It got to a point I could hear people talking outside and he was in his room with me making final touches.  I told him to go outside and chat with them, and he didn’t want to leave me on my own.  I said to him

“Kid, these people are going to be living next to you for the next year, the quicker you make friends and suss them out the better.  Go for it, I will be fine”

I could hear them all talking in the hall as I browsed 9gag on my phone.  He told them that I was his older brother and got him blasted last night to which they all laughed.  Guess I am the cool older brother huh.  After the parents came back we had a little wander round the campus and had some lunch.  About half one we said our goodbyes and left him.  He walked with us back to the car and hugged us all.  I had given him some spending money the day before on the proviso that it is emergency funds.  It is not for alcohol, parties, drugs, clothes or anything else other than if he is really in a bind and needs it.  He has hidden it inside his Godfather book, which just made me smile and he smiled too.

Right now I miss him so much.  I struggled when I started university, and I know it is hard to start with, but he will have the best time of his life.  I don’t want to be all soppy and needy to him, but I know he is in for a life changing experience.  All my old feelings of nostalgia came flooding back and since I got home I have been fighting back tears.  The Lady asked how I was and I didn’t put a kiss on the end of my messages and she felt like I was pushing her away, and that is because I was.  I talked to her, but I kept distant and she knew it.  I told her to be happy that I am even talking.  Before I would not talk at all, or hide in here to deal with it.  Right now I need this to purge, I hate how I feel because I feel like I am going to spiral.

Tomorrow I have my three month review at work which I have done basically no prep for.  I have lost motivation, appetite and focus.  I know where this leads, God knows I do, and I don’t want to be there again.  All I want to do is just sleep and never wake up.  I hope tomorrow is a better day, I really do, but I know it won’t be.  A week off work and now going back to my review means loading up on new information and finding out all the drama that has happened.  Joyous.  Throw me under a bus now I just don’t want to play anymore.


The Lady and I

While were were FWB this song would be on a lot around us in the car or whenever we happened to be anywhere where music was played.  It was an inappropriate song so have for the situation we were in, but every time I hear this song I think of her.  Especially this version, because it is more upbeat than the original.

I have spent the last three nights with her, which included a film evening, a walk in the park, some shopping and a considerable amount of unclothed time.  It was really great to talk to her and just relax.  One of the films we watched was Fight Club as she had never seen it before.  I felt the need to educate her on it.  She then asked me some questions and I answered with regards to my past and how my brain used to work when I have been in darker mind frames.  She asked if I knew people who had dealt with these kind of issues and if my own experience had been helpful.  Yes and no was my response.

I dealt with a fair bit of it before my head went a little crazy, but I dealt with less of it as I went past it myself.  Either way I know more about myself from it, as well as a better understanding of how to help people who may be suffering.

I am happy.  I may feel isolated at work at times, I may feel like I am struggling with some of my family stuff.  I may even feel like money is tighter than usual and I need one solid month where I do not need to give my family money to get myself back on track.  However I feel pretty good with The Lady.  That is positive enough for me right now.



Mixed Feeling Songs

These are just four of the songs that when I hear them with a group I am ok, but when I am along they make me feel uncomfortable and sad.  I have to change the tracks.  It makes me think of the passing of time, how things are moving on and it makes me miss the past.

I know that sounds stupid, I know I should be happy to be leaving those bad things behind and looking at the positive future which I am moving towards, however I am a nostalgic person.  I hold onto my memories as no matter what, no one can take these from me.  They are mine.  I write to forget, but I write to chronicle and remember also.  This is me doing that right now


Resolution Reached

In my last post Conflicted Alligences I wrote about how I was not sure how I would deal with The Marine and The RAF Guy with regards to talking to them about A.  I wrote that on the 28th of August and on the 31st I went and saw A and sat her down.

She was convinced that I was going to break things off, that because I had been so far out of contact that I wanted to end things.  I went in the opposite direction and the relief written across her face was wonderful.   I had no intention of hurng her, and I wanted her to be happy, just as I was spending time with her.  That night I didn’t say “will you go out with me” or “will you be my girlfriend” because that seems to childish.  I simply asked her

“Would you like to take this to a more serious level? Me and you, together.”

She reacted well.  Now came the harder part, telling the guys.

I was going their way anyway the following day, so I told them I would be dropping by and I had some stuff I wanted to talk to them about.  They were worried I had got into trouble or something serious was about to go down, but I reassured them that nothing was bad and that I just needed to tell them something which was better face to face.

When I told them what was going on they both laughed.  Then they realised I was serious.  I explained to them how she balances me out and I have no idea how.  I can’t always write around her, but I can think better with her around.  They both said to me that as long as I am happy, that is all that matters and they are happy for me and her.  I was elated.  I told them this changes nothing between us as I wanted things to be exactly the same.  They did as ten minutes later they were bitching about her, but now saying I should shag her to make sure they got the right holidays and make sure she gets them the good shifts.  I laughed and they did too.  They may not like her a great deal, but they respect that she makes me happier and more balanced, so for that they will not go nuts at her.

So they know, and my close friends know. and that is about it.  No one at work knows, my parents have a rough idea and that is about it.  It is a good start.

Sunday 31st August 2014 at around 21:00 is when I made a change in my life.  I went from being single to being in a relationship.  Let’s see how this works out.