Today finally came. Today is the day I dropped my brother off at university. This day has been a long time coming, and I am not going to lie I am excited for him, but right now I just miss him like fuck.
Last night we went out for a goodbye meal with the parents at a local Chinese which was really good. Afterwards I took my brother out for a drink to say goodbye and to talk through anything he wanted to know before leaving. It turned out we saw a group of guys I knew in the second pub, my lady turned up briefly before going off with her friends (who approve of me having met me now) and I got him drunker than he has ever been after 9 rounds and a few shots. He woke up with his first hangover (very mild though) and said it was the best night he has ever had out. I could not have been more proud to give him a better send off than that really.
The journey was quick as he is only an hour and a bit from home, much closer than I was, and his campus is much smaller, but that just makes it easier to navigate. Moving him in was a quick and painless experience, and while my parents went to a meeting for parents of new students I stayed with The Kid and helped him unpack. He has a roommate, which is unusual in UK universities, but the rest of the people in his hall seem cool. Shared bathroom is normal, kitchen is spacious and he is catered anyway which is included in the cost of his accommodation so at least he will be warm and fed in his first year.
It got to a point I could hear people talking outside and he was in his room with me making final touches. I told him to go outside and chat with them, and he didn’t want to leave me on my own. I said to him
“Kid, these people are going to be living next to you for the next year, the quicker you make friends and suss them out the better. Go for it, I will be fine”
I could hear them all talking in the hall as I browsed 9gag on my phone. He told them that I was his older brother and got him blasted last night to which they all laughed. Guess I am the cool older brother huh. After the parents came back we had a little wander round the campus and had some lunch. About half one we said our goodbyes and left him. He walked with us back to the car and hugged us all. I had given him some spending money the day before on the proviso that it is emergency funds. It is not for alcohol, parties, drugs, clothes or anything else other than if he is really in a bind and needs it. He has hidden it inside his Godfather book, which just made me smile and he smiled too.
Right now I miss him so much. I struggled when I started university, and I know it is hard to start with, but he will have the best time of his life. I don’t want to be all soppy and needy to him, but I know he is in for a life changing experience. All my old feelings of nostalgia came flooding back and since I got home I have been fighting back tears. The Lady asked how I was and I didn’t put a kiss on the end of my messages and she felt like I was pushing her away, and that is because I was. I talked to her, but I kept distant and she knew it. I told her to be happy that I am even talking. Before I would not talk at all, or hide in here to deal with it. Right now I need this to purge, I hate how I feel because I feel like I am going to spiral.
Tomorrow I have my three month review at work which I have done basically no prep for. I have lost motivation, appetite and focus. I know where this leads, God knows I do, and I don’t want to be there again. All I want to do is just sleep and never wake up. I hope tomorrow is a better day, I really do, but I know it won’t be. A week off work and now going back to my review means loading up on new information and finding out all the drama that has happened. Joyous. Throw me under a bus now I just don’t want to play anymore.