I Saw Their Graves

I just visited my grandparents graves. This is the first time in 10 years I have been here, and the first time I have seen either of their graves.

I stood there with my aunt and uncle as they talked to the granite. They were talking to a grave. I’ve talked to inanimate objects but I have no words.

I had no words. None. Nothing. I couldn’t speak. I just feel like there is a hole.

We have about 20 people on the house and I have nothing to say. I just want to be alone. But I can’t do that.

I forgot that they were here. I forgot. How shit am I?

Tired, In Pain and Going Abroad

I will state at the top here that I am going to be away from my blog for the next two weeks.  As of tomorrow evening I will be flying out of the country to go to my cousins wedding.  It is going to be a very long flight as they live a long way away.  I am flying out 6 days before before the wedding because I will have to do lots of things.  We will all be flying back 7 days after as we have lots to do afterwards too.  I am going with my mum, two aunts and my uncle.  As my cousin has no brothers I will represent her brother at the wedding.  My uncle is the patriarch of the family, and I am the second so I have a lot of responsibilities which I will have to attend to while out there.  There is also talk of me possibly getting a job in the country as well as we have connected family in the area.  So do not panic at the lack of posts, I have not topped myself yet, I am just away.

I will try and write a post tomorrow before I fly, and will try and write something while I am out there, but otherwise I will not be able to post at all while out there as of a) time constraints, and b) I do not know when I will have private access to the internet to be able to write.

On to today.  Today I have been non stop.  I did not take a break during my 11 hours and was on my feet for all of it.  I was on the phone for more time than I would like fielding calls every 15 minutes or so, as well as selling well over half of today’s sales.  Guess what being non stop has meant.  I have pushed myself.  I did more than I absolutely should have and do you know what that has resulted in.  You guessed it, my knee is is bloody agony.  I only had access to paracetamol and cocodamol so have popped some of those and strapped my knee to keep it warm but it is killing.

It is so incredibly annoying not being able to go full tilt.  That is how I work.  I go hard or go home when it comes to my commitments.  I carry and run places and get stuff done, but having to limp around and not being able to lift boxed because when I do my knee gives way makes me feel like a bloody invalid.  I feel so useless so I tried to keep going with everything else and get as much done as I could of everything else that needed doing.  I want to be healed up and better so I can go about my job and get everything done.  I will be moving to another area with my job (same locale though), but I feel ominously about my new team.  I have a gut feeling that there will be a severe lack of cohesion.  That is going to lead to a great deal of tension, as well as my workload skyrocketing even higher than it will be when I get back anyway.

I feel tired, I am in pain, I do not really want to fly out of the country, I do not really want to do everything I have to abroad, I feel like I am useless at my job, I have to bend at the waist like a slut to pick things up as my knee is murder, I hit my hand really hard on a door and my eyes are so bloodshot I look like I have smoked a 20 bag.  I need a holiday, which this will not be.  I need time to recharge.  I need someone to look after me for a change rather than me sorting everyone else out.


Myers-Briggs Type Indicator

This test was brought to my attention by a blogger I follow and interestingly enough ties in with my previous post on self perceptions.  The Myers-Briggs type indicator test ” is a psychometric questionnaire designed to measure psychological preferences in how people perceive the world and make decisions” (Source Wikipedia)

There are sixteen possible outcomes for the test, and I happen to come out as and ESFJ.  This is called a Caregiver Guardian.  Here is a link to a description of what I am supposed to be like according to research.

According to Wikipedia (the source of all solid, completely truthful information) if I were an American the category I fall into is a rather popular one.  A brief overview gives the impression that I:

  • am a people person
  • take my responsibilities seriously
  • bring out the best in others and make them feel good about themselves
  • am hurt by indifference
  • require approval of my actions
  • gain great personal satisfaction from helping others
  • really care about other people
  • am strongly task orientated
  • want to control my external environment
  • am quite masculine, with a hidden sensitive side
  • am very good at reading people

All in all, I would say this is pretty much bang on.  There are inclinations to be a manipulator, and that is something I abhor so I do not identify with that title.  All in all, it is pretty accurate.  What do you think? Do you agree or disagree? Why? Answers on a SAE to my blog or personal email.

I have an ex girlfriend who I used to call Angel. That was her name and I only called her that. In return she used to call me her Guardian. Years later it appears this little test agrees with her. How fascinating.


Dove Beauty Sketches and Love Yourself

This is incredible. It really makes you think about your own personal perceptions of yourself. I am not sure if this classes as body dysmorphia or not, but to me it certainly shows how people are harsher on themselves than need be.

Though this advert (and that is what this ultimately is, an advert with a moral behind it) does depict women, this is an issue which is applicable to men also. We are all harsher on ourselves than we should be. If we all loved ourselves a little more, we would probably love the world we live in just a little bit more.

We can blame the societal need to conform to magazine covers (have you seen how insanely ripped the men are on the cover of Mens Health). Or look at this recent shoot by David Gandy for Dolce and Gabbana


We can blame parents, we can blame stereotypes, we can blame mass media, we can assign the blame to too many places. Ultimately, it comes down to us. We must love ourselves unconditionally. I know today I will certainly be trying harder to love myself. I don’t always like who I see looking back at me in the mirror, but some things you cannot change, so you must accept, and love yourself for your “faults”. They make you the unique and incredible person you are.

Hope everyone has a lovely day. Here is some love from me to you. Take every hour on the hour to remind you that someone loves you, even if it is just some weirdo spouting off on his little blog in the vastness of the Internet.





I make me laugh sometimes with how utterly masculine I am.  To those people who go for the whole “Oh what are you doing in the kitchen, that’s where a woman belongs” go play in oncoming traffic! What could be possibly more manly than a kitchen, where there is fire, pointy things which cut stuff and meat.  I defy you to find somewhere in a home more manly than a kitchen.  Did I forget to mention the kitchen also has the fridge, which contains beer?? Yeah, your kitchen is so girly.

Cooking is fun for me.  I basically grew up in the kitchen surrounded by my aunts and mum.  I knew how to cook at a young age, and was doing roast dinners (with a little help with the timings) by the time I was about 12.  Cooking is great.  I don’t really do fancy dishes or anything which will blow your mind in awesomeness; but I do cook rustic, flavourful food which will leave you feeling full and content afterwards.  I am a feeder.  It runs in the family.  All my aunts and mum are.  It might also put another light on why I give the girls at work so much chocolate.  Learning more about myself every day.


Ed Sheeran – Drunk

Not my first post about alcohol related music.  I wrote about James Arthur’s new single here and how it has alcohol in it, but this is straight out drinking of alcohol as a form of escapism.  What are we escaping? The bitter sweet memories of an ex lover.

This song is brilliant.  Absolutely brilliant.  I sing it at work quite often when it happens to pop up on the playlist and it is just a piece of art to me.  The song does not send out a great message in honesty, but it is real.  People do this, people go out and get drunk when they are heartbroken.  People look for escapes from the harsh realities of the world around them.  People feel pain.

Not the first Ed Sheeran song I have posted either.  I posted this one back in April of this year.  Different job, different mindset, different time.  Still the same me I guess.  Still a little dazed and confused, but now mixed in with a bit in pain.  Ah well, keep on going right?



He leans back, his office chair reclining and holding him steady. The music flows out of the speakers and surrounds his. His ears hear it, his skin feels it, his heart embraces it.

The slow rise of the violins, the brass section coming in and the percussions bringing up the back and keeping it all there. The cellos are always so underrated but he knows how much work it takes, holding the piece together with its sweet strings.

The build. Oh the build! The music slowly builds in crescendo, more and more dynamic until at its peak all the hairs on his body stand on end as he is immersed in the beauty of the piece. How can something written hundreds of years ago resonate within him so strongly??

Music surpasses time, it crosses the language barrier and it bring people into  its fold. Great music can transport you to another time, another place, another world. It can lift you to soaring heights or bring you to tears of sadness, but make no mistake, good music will make you feel.

The piece calms down and comes to an end. His stresses have melted away with the strings. A warm peaceful feeling sits in his chest, making him feel that all is right with the world. Music is his release, music is his love, music is who he is.

James Arthur – You’re Nobody ‘Til Somebody Loves You. An Analysis

Now, normally X-Factor “artists” are not the kind of thing that I am interested in, but I really like this song.  I am torn about how to interpret the lyrics of it though.  They do project a very negative opinion, but ironically I do think this way.  Here is the chorus.

You’re nobody ’til somebody loves you,
It’s hard times when nobody wants you,
Fill up my cup, don’t ever stop coming,
Get up on top, we’ll make it pop, honey.

Line 1 – You’re nobody ’til somebody loves you.
This song is telling you that you are a nobody unless you have the love of someone else.  You have no value as an individual unless you are attached to someone else, which will give you both love and a meaning for living.  That is really not a great idea to project out into the world.  Maybe Mr Arthur has some abandonment issues.

Line 2 – It’s hard times when nobody wants you.
This makes much more sense and is logical.  Regardless of whether you are the most self empowered individual on the planet or not, there are those times when you will feel lonely and no longer part of the group, due to your singledom.  It can feel like a desolate place, trapped on an island alone.  So yes, it can be a hard time.

Line 3 – Fill up my cup, don’t ever stop coming.
Is this promotion of alcoholism as a coping method?  That is a very bad idea.  Personal experience has taught me that this a very bad idea.  Turning to a bottle to try and deal with any sort of emotional problems is never good.  It is escapism from dealing with how to progress.  Not such a good lyric Mr Arthur.

Line 4 – Get up on top, we’ll make it pop, honey.
If I am reading this correctly, Mr Arthur is now promoting promiscuous liaisons on a regular basis.  There will be no slut shaming here, regardless of gender, so long as it is all consented by both parties.  However, is this really the way for you to be going about finding love? Sleeping with many people may fill a hole temporarily, but in your heart you know that it will not actually solve the problem.  Perhaps Mr Arthur also has some commitment issues.

Lyric analysis aside, this is a fun song to listen to.  I quite like his voice, and any guy who can sing alto or soprano always gets my attention.  I think it is very cool when I guy can make his voice just jump octaves and hold those notes.  It is probably what attracted me to Justin Timberlake back in the day when he went solo.  That and his album Justified was and is one of my favourite albums of all time.  I can more than likely sing all the lyrics to it still

Such a good album.  Well that is enough analysis for now.  A picture and a song done, that shall sate me for now.  I have a third picture in reserve if I need to do more, but maybe that will be for tomorrow.



The Air Hostess

At work today I had a stunning air hostess for BA (British Airways) in her 30s come in.  She was all decked out in her uniform and she was so lovely.  We got talking and she asked me randomly if I knew about SAD, and I said yes. Her husband suffers from it and I look like him 10 years ago.    We ended up about seasonal depression for a little bit while showing her some of the new lines we have in.

She is a fan of pink and we had a few nude pink and bright pink tops in with some nice little details on them.  The two I pointed out in particular she loved and said she would like to try on.  I set her up in the changing room and while she tried one of them on, a nude pink long sleeved number with little jewels around the neck and a clasp at the back.  She came out and showed me then asked a question which I was not expecting.

“Are you straight or gay?”

Really? Do I give off that impression? I may be a little flamboyant, but no, I am not gay.

“No, I am straight”

“Oh, in which case I will refrain from what I was about to say next then” *insert girly giggle*

“Trust me, whatever you have said, I have heard before, I was raised by women”

“Ok then.  I think I might need a nude bra with this, this one shows a little doesn’t it”

*looks at chest* “Hmm, yes.  You’re wearing white and it does show through the knit, probably best to wear a natural bra under that.”

I have so used to being surrounded by women growing up I am so de-sensitised to all of this now.  Don’t get me wrong, she gave me a valid excuse to look at her chest, and I took it, but it was in the name of fashion.

We then processed to discuss the outfit it would go with, and the heels/accessories she could match and would make her husbands jaw drop in it.

She bought that jumper, plus another one and then went on her way, thanking me for my help and for being so generous.  I went relayed this conversation to my colleague and she said.

“I get her asking though.  It took me a few weeks to get a read on you.  It’s because you are so complimentary to both boys and girls it is really hard to tell.  It was only when I caught you checking out a girl one time that I decided you were straight”

I was a little shocked.  Yes, I am complimentary and I appreciate a good looking guy.  Yes, I can talk about girly things easier than I can about manly things.  Yes, I can be a little crazy and come across as a little camp, but make no mistake here.  I love the ladies.

That said there has been a video of me saying a wonderful phrase

I like my women white and my men black.

I have also been known to say:

I like my women like I like my tea; hot, sweet and white.

I really need to stop saying things like that.