Stressing Out

I am pushing my girlfriend away.  Yesterday we ended on a bad note and I didn’t bother to reply to her text message where she finally saw that I am actually an arsehole at times.  Today she didn’t text me all day and when she did in the evening when I theoretically would have finished work on a normal day I was short, and told her I am going to stop talking to her before I snap at her.  It wasn’t personal, it is just I knew I would.    I could almost guarantee it.

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I finally sat down with my stepfather after giving him another £500 to find out what is going on with the home finances.  I looked at his income and my mothers, as well as mine, the outgoings which we could not push and were fixed every month like mortgages and insurance, and the variable costs. My finance brain went in and my step dad was surprised at how I approached everything in the way that I did.  I told him in no uncertain terms that I have handed over well over £3000 in the last 4 months, and that I need to know how deep a hole we are in, and what can be done so that moving forward that can make it better.  Effectively, I need to cut my spending down and give them more.

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I have got my brother a job at the place I work.  It is a temp contract and he only has 5.5 hrs, but I will be flexing him up to at least 20 whenever I can.  I found out he has been giving my parents money as well.  He shouldn’t be.  He is studying and that should be his focus, not what is going on here.

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Today at work I had the head of retail operations in.  He is one of the most influential people in the company.  If I had to hear my deputy manager (who I went and had dinner with the night before and she was lovely) tell one more story about how wonderful she is, or how well traveled or spiritual she is I was going to take the stapler and puncture my carotid artery.  She was absolutely doing my nut.  My store manager is already good friends with him so she didn’t need to impress, and I concentrated more on my job than on impressing him, so that meant I was barely noticed.  Not good for networking, but great for…well fuck all other than proving I am a reasonable supervisor.  Completed nothing of note whatsoever today, and it ended up being a 09:00-20:00 day, with my leaving home at 08:00 and returning at 21:15.  To say I am fucking shattered is an understatement.

MMS

Remembrance Sunday and 11/11/14

The Sunday that just passed was Remembrance Sunday.  I was opening the store that day and had been thinking about what I should do with regards to the 11 o clock two minutes silence.  I had had my own time for reflection before work, but the store opened at 11am, so I would have to open to doors to do my job.  Then I thought about it.

I probably would’t have the job that I have today if it had not been for the sacrifice of the brave men and women of the Great War.  I would not be able to stand here and think about them, to pay my respects, and to honour their gift they have given us, freedom.  The freedom to live free from oppression and from fear.

So I told my staff:

“This morning when I open the shop, I will not be turning the music on immediately.  We will open at 11 am as to be expected, however I will be silent for two minutes from opening.  I would like to think you will join me in paying your respects to the fallen, but that is for you to chose.  If a customer comes in I will deal with it, but otherwise will you please stand silently.  Thanks”

One of the guys has a poppy on his shirt, and I have a wristband on.  The other two understood what I said was not really a request.  So at 11 am I opened the doors and then walked behind the till and stood there in silence with my head bowed.  I had the clock up on the screen so I could see when the two minutes were up.  My colleagues stood near me in silence, not doing anything but hopefully paying their respects.

After the two minutes were up I thanked the staff for their silence, went out back, turned on the music and continued with the day.

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On Tuesday it was Rememberance Day.  I was with the lady and we were just about to start cooking breakfast.   I had turned the radio on and it then gave notice of the two minutes silence.  I stood there with my arms wrapped around her and we both closed our eyes.  All I could think was how lucky I am to be alive and to have her in my arms, and how this is possible because of what has been done before.  The lives lost to give future generations the freedoms they now take for granted.  This day is based in the ending of WWII, however it is used as a reminder for all of those who have given their lives in defense of their country.

I will admit I was selfish in my thoughts and did not think of the brave men and women currently serving, or those who have served post 1945.  I thought of those who died in WWII, because effectively that is what we in Britain think about in this time.  I know our cousins across the pond call this Veterans Day and it encompasses all military personnel, but we more specifically remember those who died in WWII.

I have thought of serving before myself.  I considered going to Sandhurst and doing officer training.  I have looked into serving in a non combat role to help in some way.  I do not want to see the front line.  I have heard too many stories to want to live that life, but if I can help somehow I would love to.

To those who have fallen so that we may rise I thank you.  To those who have served and now live I give you my thanks.  To those serving to protect us I have no other words but thank you for your bravery.

MMS