The year was 2008,
My ponytailed and bearded face gave way to a goatee and shaved head,
My puppy fat melted and under it sinewy yet strong muscles formed,
My heart got broken after three and a half years of bliss,
I found solace in the bottom of a bottle,
I threw away a year of education and failed at university,
I let apathetic anger consume me,
I slept late, I drank early, I phased out constantly,
But at least I wasn’t partaking in other vices,
Those I had stopped at least,
But I found true friends,
I found my body’s limits,
I found a girl who amazed me, and would later become my second love,
I lost family by blood, but I gained family by trust,
I gave up sex and sexual thoughts,
Which only made the pole girls make my life very hard,
I grew from a boy,
But not a man yet,
I stumbled, I struggled,
I crawled back, I conquered,
I started to get back to being me,
All in 2008,
Aged 19.


Thanks to my darling Tis for inspiring me to write this. Her and her Husband are such inspirations. They show how  strength and love overcome anything that may be put in their way. I tip my hat to you both.



RAM: Poetry Circa 2006; Aged 17

When I wake up from a nightmare,
I sit here and wish you were there,
But would you hold me close and comfort me,
Would you ask me what happens, would you see,
The little scared kid hiding in my eyes,
Who cowers in the corner as he is attacked by flies,
Eaten alive screaming with no one to help,
While his skin is being ripped, no one hears his yelps,
His dog is a bag of bones, stripped of flesh,
And now the boy is there, on the door of death,
His eyes have been eaten, his nose and lips,
He tries to run away but he slips, he slips,
He’s falling, he’s falling down into a black black hole,
He’s screaming he’s screaming he has no control,
THUMP his body has hit the end,
Crippled and destroyed, alone with no friends,
No family, no one near him who cares,
Even when alive nobody noticed he was there,
He is dead and forgotten, but forgotten while alive,
But why did he fight, fight to survive,
Did he have a future, could he be great,
Could he be a doctor, a head of state,
maybe a lawyer or just a hardworking man,
True and upright, with a gun in his hand,
A secret psycho who is out of control,
The Devil is burning deep inside his soul,
He walks into his bank and shoots the clerk,
This is all in the morning before he starts work.


Well, 17 year old me had a few issues he was working through I believe.  25 year old me thinks they haven’t gone away so much.  Randomly found this in a drawer looking for some photos .  I found this poem and another one on the obverse which I wrote while in an accounting evening class in 2006.


Poem Fragments

I have fragments of poems stuck in my head that just do not want o form in to fully fledged pieces.  Instead the just niggle and annoy me.

Stolen kisses from your lips as my hand go round your hips,
I have never felt so sure that I am caught in your allure,
Ensnared in your charms and caught up in your arms,
Give me one more kiss, and my heart I promise you this.


Close your eyes and sleep,
Let slumber take you away,
Feel its peace wash over you,
Freeing you from pain,
Let it all go tonight,
Let it all go tonight.  


Too hard, too hard
All I do is work too hard
Not enough, not enough
All I am told is I am not enough
Do better, do better
All I believe is I am unworthy


I don’t know.



Life is all about battles
Past vs present
Present vs future

Life is all about struggle
Today vs tomorrow
Now vs later

Life is about conflict
Here vs there
Him vs her

Life is just war.  It only ends in death.


No idea why, but I felt like writing that.  In a bit of a crappy mind frame, but such is life.  Take your ups with your downs.


Dance Floor

Pieces of my heart, scattered, all across the dance floor,
Music pumps and bass blasts, all across the dance floor,
Bodies writhe and flashing lights, all across the dance floor,
Let me free my spirit tonight, all across the dance floor.

Give me music, give me  Jack, all across this dance floor,
Let me hold nothing back, all across this dance floor,
Hold my coat it’s about to drop, all across this dance floor,
Let the music never stop, all across this dance floor.

Let me go, let me go, all across my dance floor,
Let me breathe, let me be, all across my dance floor,
Let my freedom come to fore, all across my dance floor,
For I shall be never more, all across my dance floor.


Inspired by events of Friday night.  I have to say I am really proud of this one.  It is me.  When I have had a drink and my music is on, you cannot stop me.

I will scream the lyrics to Sum 41, I will air guitar to Queen and don’t you dare stop me putting a power fist in the air to Bon Jovi’s Livin’ on a Prayer.  I am invincible, I am in my zone, I am happy.  I may be getting older now and getting to an age where it is becoming questionable for me to be in clubs dancing away to music, but to be honest, if I am in good company and socially lubricated (that is a euphemism I have not used in a while), I am down to party the entire night away.


Forgive Me

Forgive me my foolishness,
Forgive me my selfishness,
Forgive me my arrogance,
Forgive me my distance.

Forgive me my apathy,
Forgive me my isolation,
Forgive me my forcefullness,
Forgive me my coldness.

I have made mistakes,
I am truly sorry,
I am but a man,
Please forgive me.

Here They Come (Little One)

Close your eyes Little One,
You don’t need to see this,
Count to ten and hold me close,
We will be OK.

Close your eyes Little One,
It will all be over soon,
Don’t be scared by the noises,
You are safe with me.

Close your eyes Little One,
I will not let them hurt you,
Hide in my chest and remember,
Keep your eyes closed.

Close your eyes Little One,
Soon it will all be over,
Listen to what I am saying to you,
I love you dear Little One.

Beach Beauty

When did it become so difficult to trust?

I won’t bruise you, I won’t kidnap you, I won’t cause you any physical suffering.

Just take my hand and walk with me. I want to show you something.

I want to show you the sky with new eyes, the sea being bluer than you remember, the trees greener than you thought.

I want you to feel the breeze cooling down your skin, the sun warming up your heart, the salt lifting up your soul.

Look at your hand in mine, look at the peace around us, look at the way you feel in this space.

Now do you trust me?
Now do you love me?
You always did?

Shame you fucked that other guy then isn’t it? Laters bitch.

Close Yourself Down

Close your eyes,
Block out the sight of the terrible things before you,
Unseeing of what is happening.

Close your ears,
Deafen yourself to the sounds,
Sounds you should not hear.

Close your mind,
Blur everything into darkness,
A haze of nothing.

Close your heart,
Stop the pain inside you,
Because feeling leads to bleeding.


The cup overfloweth
Blood and Bile,
Rage and Revenge,
Violence and Vindication.

Drops on the floor
Turn to streams
Turn to rivers
Turns to oceans of Anger

Control, restraint, passivity,
Left for dust in the mirror
Only forward can I go
Into the darkness of me

Darkness envelops the universe
Nothing remains pure
The Golgotha makes this look sanitary
The stain that is existence.