Positive List

  1. I have not been eating as much junk food and take out, saving me a good amount of money as well as improving my diet.
  2. I have had two whole days off in a row, and it was lovely to do nothing, if a little boring at times.
  3. I got my stock take results back.  We scored 100%.  My manager in his 7 years has never had a perfect stock take.  I literally jumped up and down and hi 5’d one of my colleagues I was so happy.
  4. One of the girls defended me and made sure I kept my day off because she was upset it was either her or I that always ended up being the scapegoats.
  5. I have been using the gym more and it hurts, but it is a step in the right direction.
  6. I am hopefully going away for a weekend in July with a couple of friends.  It should be a hoot.
  7. I had a really nice dream about meeting a little girl who kept laughing at the silly faces I pulled.  It was a good dream and reflects reality because I do that with kids I see all the time.
  8. After mocking a sandwich my friend had for years I finally gave it a second chance today.  Bacon, brie and cranberry sauce with spinach leaves.  It was heaven.
  9. We have been hitting target at work, which is always nice with a little bonus on top in my pay packet.
  10. I ripped my trousers at work; got free new ones.  I cracked the sole of my shoe three days later; got new shoes for free! Yay for a good manager and working in retail.



You Are A Bad Liar

I had a bit of a moment yesterday involving my blood father. I just went downstairs and blasted music in my headphones and worked solidly. Couple of people said hello but didn’t get much more out of me than that. One of them, a girl we shall call G, said hello and I replied, but apparently tried to continue the conversation. I walked away and carried on working because I didn’t hear her, but she thought she had upset me in some way.

Today I saw her again and I gave her a hug. I always seem to see her when I am processing, so today when I am not I wanted to apologise for being an arse lately. She said it’s ok and we had a little chat. She asked about one guy in particular and I voiced my positive opinion of him, but I know they have had some issues, but they are now past it. Her face said something else though.
So I asked her what she was hiding. She is a bad liar and I told her so. She denied and denied, blushed and went shy. She then tried to walk past me but it is very narrow so I put my arm out and as she walked into it squealed a little and then ran back a few paces. She kept averting her eyes. I used her first name fully rather than the shortened version she always uses and with a stern tone and she fell right into place. That threw me.

I asked her a question. Her eyes widened and she realised I knew something and what she is. There was always something about this girl which I couldn’t work out why I liked talking to her. Now it makes sense.

I also asked her about piercings too as she has the same as me but on both of hers. She threw me, now I understand why.

I will be seeing my dad tomorrow for the first time in about 6 months. Guaranteed to mess with my head. Expect a post about that.

Had a great drunken night last night and pulled. So Yay me. End on a positive note.


Jimmy and Anne

I am now more so in love with Anne Hathaway than I was already.  If only all Jersey girls were like her and not like I see on Jersey Shore.  She is just….words fail me


Heart Palpitations and Stuff

At work on Thursday I had a heart palpitation.  It was brutal.  They normally last maximum 2 minutes and I am fine, but this one was closer to 10 minutes.  I have written what it feels like in a post called palpitations if you want to read it.  I would link it, but reading it brought back some memories of people I don’t feel like thinking about.  Having palpitations again really threw me, and my boss sent me home.  He has never seen me go down like that.  I have been to the gym and been starting to try and eat better now.  I need a more regular regime for gymming.


I am hoping to go away with The Marine and The RAF guy some time in July.  I am apprehensive about this because I know they both are grieving, but this would be one hell of an experience for me.  They are both really good guys, that much is for certain.  Today I saw The Marine at work so I went over to the door and put a massive kiss on the window.  He burst out laughing and said I better clean that.  I texted The RAF guy this morning to check in on him, he is doing ok, and we are going to try and meet up for a drink some time soon.


I feel I am too immature for my age.  I mean my circle of friends at home are all mature with their lives in order.  Some have homes of their own, some have kids, some are engaged.  All seem to have their lives together and progressing.  When I go out with them they are going home before midnight because they are tired.   More often than not I end up saying see you later and going and seeing other people, people who are younger than me ( by a few years so not major, but still I feel older around them, but that might be because they are an established group).  They go out, they get drunk, they party.  I may not be one of them, but they always have a good time and tolerate my tagging along, I think because I can be kind of crazy.  I feel a little behind on my maturity.  Problem is I was a head of the game in those respects growing up with my family, and now it feels like everyone else has caught up with me and surpassed.  I even feel this blog is immature at times.


Being empathetic person is a real pain.  People talk to me about their issues and I listen and talk back when appropriate.  The problem is I feel it.  It is not that I sympathise, I empathise.  It is irritating as some of the time they are dealing with things which I have not experienced myself, yet I feel I understand their pain.  Obviously I do not say that, because it is crass and idiotic to do so, but it certainly feels like it on the inside.  I am such a screwed up individual.

PL&H (have not written that in a very long time)


Attractive Women and Less Attractive Men

This is a trend I have been noticing of late, which has also been brought up in discussion with a few of my friends while at work/socially.  We have found that increasingly attractive women are going for less attractive men.

We dub these men “Punchers” as in “Punching above his weight” or “Reachers” as in “Reaching out of his league“.

There are three main reasons we can ascertain as to why some solidly attractive women are attracted to these lesser men.

  • He is rich, which makes the woman a gold digger
  • He is packing some serious hardware in the trouser department
  • Friend-zone escapee **raucous cheering for these men**

I should clarify what I mean by the man being less attractive.  More often than not they are the shorn head type with spiky hair, sporting a tracksuit of some variety and generally lacking in manners or a decent grasp of the English language.  I don’t like the word, but chav is the easiest way to describe them.

If it is not one of the three main reasons stated above I am pretty certain that supreme confidence is what keeps these guys going.  Pure tenacity and confidence which crosses into arrogance a great deal of the time seems to be the potion to snag yourself a beautiful woman.  I would put forward the idea that women’s standards are dropping, but I don’t think that is the case.

Maybe I should take a leaf out of these fine gentlemen’s books and act like them.  We both know that is not going to happen, because as far as I can tell, their confidence is derived from their staggering ignorance as well.  Ah well, those type of women are probably not the type I should be interested in anyway.


RAM: Poetry Circa 2006; Aged 17

When I wake up from a nightmare,
I sit here and wish you were there,
But would you hold me close and comfort me,
Would you ask me what happens, would you see,
The little scared kid hiding in my eyes,
Who cowers in the corner as he is attacked by flies,
Eaten alive screaming with no one to help,
While his skin is being ripped, no one hears his yelps,
His dog is a bag of bones, stripped of flesh,
And now the boy is there, on the door of death,
His eyes have been eaten, his nose and lips,
He tries to run away but he slips, he slips,
He’s falling, he’s falling down into a black black hole,
He’s screaming he’s screaming he has no control,
THUMP his body has hit the end,
Crippled and destroyed, alone with no friends,
No family, no one near him who cares,
Even when alive nobody noticed he was there,
He is dead and forgotten, but forgotten while alive,
But why did he fight, fight to survive,
Did he have a future, could he be great,
Could he be a doctor, a head of state,
maybe a lawyer or just a hardworking man,
True and upright, with a gun in his hand,
A secret psycho who is out of control,
The Devil is burning deep inside his soul,
He walks into his bank and shoots the clerk,
This is all in the morning before he starts work.


Well, 17 year old me had a few issues he was working through I believe.  25 year old me thinks they haven’t gone away so much.  Randomly found this in a drawer looking for some photos .  I found this poem and another one on the obverse which I wrote while in an accounting evening class in 2006.


Bad Start

So I have been awake one hour. So far I have tried to have a shower but found our boiler has broken so we have no hot water. So my hair is a state and I had a very quick ice cold wash.

So being freezing cold I decided to warm myself up with a quick bit of exercise. I did some press ups which went splendidly then went for some star jumps. This is where I smashed my light bulb. I now have a bloody cut on the back of my hand.

As you probably guessed I smashed my light bulb while my hands were on the upswing, but I didn’t break it with my hand, oh no, I broke it with my watch. I have now chipped the bezel. Great.

So I went to clean up the cut and disinfect it. No disinfectant, and now blood on my shirt. This is just getting better and better.

Oh look at the time. It is now too late for me to make the only train to get to work on time. So now I have to fork out for a taxi again to get to work on time.

Guess what. I have a member of staff who is my new deputy (yes a second one coming in as maternity cover). It is her second day this morning and guess who has to train her on morning figures and procedure. You guessed it. This mug.

Oh and I have another stock count today, and a stock take tomorrow. Why count everything today, then have someone else count it all again tomorrow?  Who knows.

This morning can fuck right off. And now I’ve been awake 90 mins and I am cold, tired, annoyed and have to be nice to the new person. Big smiles right?!  Positivity right?

Fuck that.

RAM: Teaspoon

When in my early 20’s my ex girlfriend quoted this to me.  She was explaining the turmoil of emotions a friend of hers was going though and my mind boggled at the concept that one could feel so many conflicting emotions all at the same time.

I had no idea at the time she was quoting Harry Potter when telling me I had the emotional range of a teaspoon, however I do remember crying with laughter at the idea that in my brain was a tiny spoon which represented my emotional spectrum.  Even now I laughed at it when I saw this clip, though I would like to think I am more at a dinner spoon size now rather than a teaspoon.

Just something that made me smile today.


Dealing With Women

Friday after work I went straight to my friends university to go to a formal dinner with him. I had a great deal of fun, I think. We drank alot.

I went as he needed graduate males to accompany female undergraduates. I may not have graduated from his uni, however I am a graduate so I was eligible. The ratio was me, him and another guy to 13ish women. So a good ratio for me to work my magic.

Simply put, I can’t remember if I did or didn’t. But he did say I managed to have more interest from the other guy, who is bi, than any of the girls. And some of them were absolutely stunning.

Today at work I have had a group of 10 women walk in dress shopping for one of them in particular. I said to the girl L, I’m going out back, I can’t deal with this. She had visible shock on her face and came to check if I was ok.

I am just not feeling being a flirt at the moment. I just can’t be bothered with trying to be charming and polite. I can’t be bothered to be complimentary and gentlemanly. All I want is to just hide from all people.

I have been coming out with some sharp remarks with some people and one of the other girls laughed and was enjoying it. I was being very British in my humour, which is basically very dry sarcasm. I have been so deadpan people can’t quite work out if what I am saying is true or not.

I can’t be bothered with people at the moment. We’ve beaten target today and I’ve don’t everything I really want to do. I have managed to forget my wallet and watch today as well. Luckily I had just enough change in the bottom of my bag to scrimp my train ticket to work. Thankfully.

I would like to hibernate please. Wake me up when I care again.