Feeling Low

A combination of working a great deal, emotional stress, under 1500 calories per day and a broken sleep pattern/lacking in REM sleep has left me feeling pretty rubbish.  I put on a happy face at work but I am not happy.  Sales are not at the levels I would want, I personally keep having sales slip through my fingers at the last second and I just don’t feel like a good person at my job.

I knew sales would not be my forte.  I knew that I may be kind of friendly, but commission based sales will be difficult for me.  I am lucky my base pay is just enough for now, but I need the commission to be able to start moving in the right direction.  I am having serious doubts about myself as a person.

I know that my sleep deprived state is partially to blame, and I know I really should not be so hard on myself but I am.  When it comes down to brass tacks I am responsible for me and only I can get myself out of my situation.  Someone once gave me a severe tongue lashing while I was at one of my lowest points.  I was feeling terrible about myself, my family and my miserable situation at the time.  When I tried to reach out to them shut me down hard and told me to grow a pair.  Not ideally the best response, but at the time I despised them for it, even though I can’t really despise anyone.

I may have a great deal of anger and aggression in me begging to be released and let lose to rampage, but I have very little hate in me.  I don’t even like using that word because I believe it to be too extreme when describing anything.  You will not find me saying “I hate xxxxxxxx” at any time.  I will say “I despise” or “loathe” or “can’t stand” or “can’t abide” or “it really bugs me when”, anything other than that word.

I feel rubbish, I feel like my friends are much farther away from me than I really can handle and I feel kind of alone, even though I am in a house with my parents and brother.  I have been calling my closest ones and trying to text others and keep in touch via messages, Facebook etc., but I feel a little bit stranded and separated from the rest.

I want to be happy again, I am just not sure how to get back there.

Thoughts To Hurricane Sandy Victims

This blog is dedicated to those who are suffering with the current storms and after effects of Hurricane Sandy that has been ravaging the east coast the past week or so.

I know that it started off further south in the Caribbean and there have been 50+ deaths down there as well, so this post is dedicated to you too.

I know this isn’t a grand gesture of a massive financial gift or me able to do some humanitarian or helpful cleanup work. This is me sending my thoughts and best wishes to those out there who are suffering from this hurricane.

That may not seem like a great deal to offer, and I do feel a little pathetic doing this, but I do believe in the power of positive thought, so this is me sending positive thoughts out to all of those on that side of the world who have been affected.

If you saw my previous blog it was me whining and being a bit of an idiot, but you will see I am very much lacking in positivity and oomph right now. But the people over there need way more positivity than me, so I’m sending it over there.

I hope that everyone over there is safe and well over there. The news seems to be suggesting it is getting better with the NYSE opening up again and people venturing out and getting on with their lives.

Stay safe everyone over there.

PL&H

MMS

Tired, Wet and Tired

Can you guess what my overriding feeling is right now? It’s tired if you hadn’t guessed.

Working is knackering, and not sleeping as much as needed, combined with not eating 3 meals a day, is starting to chip away at my cheery demeanour and energy reserves. When I was 16 I could do 60 hours a week and bounce back without any difficulties. 7 years later I am struggling doing 48. The main difference other than age is that now I need to use my brain and mental facilities a lot more.

I am so grateful to have a job, I truly am. It earns me money, it looks better on my CV than the casual employ I was in. I am more than willing to work to earn my keep, but I need to get myself back into the groove of pushing myself like this for extended periods of time.

Going to the gym and smashing myself to hell for 90-120 minutes is something I can do, and the exertion leaves me feeling massively elated with the natural chemical rush, but I crash and sleep reasonably after that. This holding myself pattern for entire shifts, keeping my mind ticking over and collating figures for end of day calculations is pretty exhausting. Physical labour is easier, you take your body to the max, mental exhaustion is seriously underrated.

I am very lucky for my current place in life, but sometimes I forget how lucky I am. Still, first world problems, MMS is ranting and being whiney, and it is raining in England. Everything is normal in the world

PL&H to all.

A Quick One, I Will Catch Up!

Hello Netty and everyone else!

Just a little apology that I haven’t been keeping up with everyone else’s blogs. I’ve been blogging and replying to when I have a spare 30 or so on break/pre work, because it is relatively easy to do that with the app on my BlackBerry, but reading blogs is a nightmare.

I will catch up this afternoon/evening hopefully, but work has been taking over my life. I am so grateful for my phone allowing me to blog on the go, makes it so much easier for me to post daily and get what is on my chest off and out of my head.

I feel like Dumbledore doing the removing memories thing with his wand. HP fans will know what I’m talking about, I know what I mean!

Most of my blogging now is while walking/on trains/while eating. Work is all consuming! I fear the quality may be deteriorating, but I’m trying to keep my standards high.

Speak later on Netty, guess who is about to start work! **this guy**

PL&H,

MMS

Pre-work Blog-a-Log

Here we go Netty. Shortly I will be starting work, but I wanted to make sure I got myself a message over to you! I am doing ok today, I had 10 members of family in my house yesterday after work and it was brilliant. Seeing so many aunts and uncles and cousins is always fun for me.

I love hosting. It is fun and when things are going well it is utterly brilliant! However this time I was taking a back seat really. My mum and aunts were cooking up an utter storm in the kitchen while one uncle and I sat in the kitchen chatting with them and drinking whiskey.

My dad and other uncle were watching football with my cousins (all boys) and brother, then playing FIFA 13. I preferred being in the kitchen because the stories that come out are just awesome to listen to. My family have lived through some incredible things and being regaled with stories never gets old. The better thing about being older now is that I am able to contribute to some of them and give a few of my own occasionally. But I am still left in awe of them all. The people in that room raised me. After my parents divorce they were the ones who stopped me getting into mischief, who kept me out of trouble and hanging out on the streets and doing stupid things. I didn’t have one mum, I had five.

If my one missing aunt was there it would have been perfect. She is the best cook out of all of them, but don’t tell the others! Plus as the eldest she is the Matriarch of my family. My uncle who I was sitting next to is the Patriarch, and they are brother and sister. I am next under him, and my mother is next under my aunt. It all sounds really incestuous the way I am describing it but it really isn’t.

Being the head is a great deal of responsibility and I am so proud of my family for how we have dealt with the problems that have come up over the years. I love them all so dearly and God help anyone who ever threatens that.

I love my family dearly, though I might have to shrink my 15 year old cousin who is now taller than me, and he is bulky with it. I could take all of them down still, and I may have to reassert my authority. They are all cocky teenagers now who think they can have their old man cousin. Last time we went to play football (soccer for you yanks out there) and I put all of them on the floor, not by tackling, but by picking them up and throwing them. But that was 6 months ago, they might need another reminder. I’m top dog boys, don’t you forget it!

But alas Netty I would love to tell you more stories and what not, but I must work now! Wish me luck! It is going to be a long 24 hours. PL&H

Questioning an Ability

I knew that when working in sales knowing your products is absolutely essential. I also knew that a small amount of lying may be required in the persuasive process to help push a customer in the direction of a sale. I did not realise how easily it would come to me, and how much it did not bother me.

I pride myself in being an honest person. I like the truth, as bad as it may be at times, I like to be straight with people. I may use a liberal amount of tact to get my point across and soften the blow, but make no mistake I will tell the truth. In what I am doing now I am straight lying at times, and it is going against some of my morals, but it is making me money and surprising me how very easily these lies roll of my tongue.

They are not massive whoppers, but stuff like:

“Yeah, my brother uses this one at university”

“My sister loves that colour and style, it looks so good on you too”

“I have one of those at home too, I use it all the time it is so practical it is brilliant!”

“Well this will be transfered out in a few hours to another store so if you want it I can hold it for 30 minutes, but if my boss shows I’ll have to give it to him. Probably safer to get it now or you will lose it”

“We have sold quite a few of those, it is rather popular, it is such sturdy construction, light and good quality, that’s why everyone wants it, even if it is a little more expensive”

They are not terrible, massive lies, but it worries me how easily I do it. It doesn’t make me a bad person I don’t think, but it does display another aptitude for something which may not be a favourable trait to possess, but a useful one. I seem to be collecting a few of those.

Being a tiny incy wincy bit of a flirt does help with my female customers, that I am absolutely certain of, but hey, that’s just me being me. Not that I am admitting I am a flirt. Or like to flirt. Or can flirt. Ummm…..yeah….moving swiftly on.

I have ten members of family eating downstairs right now and I just ran away for 15 minutes to hide in my room and write this. I hope you appreciate it Netty! See you tomorrow! PL&H

Lola: Her and I

Her blue eyes look at me through my 15 inch laptop screen.  It is like she is looking straight at me, right into my eyes and as if she is right here with me.  I lose myself in them, forgetting I am in my room, forgetting I am in bed, forgetting everything that is surrounding me in the solidity of reality and floating into my own mind and the fantasy of being with her.

Those eyes, a soft blue which draw you in, twinkling with secrets, while beckoning you into their safety.  Those eyes, wide with innocence and wonder, yet with limitless depth and unwavering determination.   She cannot fathom how powerful her eyes are, she has no clue how much they draw me in, capture and enthral me, which makes their effect on me all the more potent.

Blonde hair cascades either side of her face, a gentle wave in it, framing those eyes and the sweet smile which seems to always stay on her face when she is talking to me.  I look directly into my camera too, hoping she feels as lost in my eyes as I in hers.  I know the brown is a little dull and a little faded with the hours of work, lack of sleep and general difficulties of my life, but they still have just enough warmth to them, which only burns brighter when I look at her.

Soft pink lips curve around her pearly whites in such an inviting fashion I am convinced she may pop out of my screen and try and taste me, maybe even try and kiss me.  The subtle gloss applied gives them an inviting sheen, enticing me to lean into my screen as if I am actually getting closer to her.  Her laugh chimes and makes a grin spread across my face, breaking the tired yawn and lidded eyes into a playful sparkle and dimpled cheeks.

Mesmerising in her looks, awe inspiring with her words and in possession of a personality so bubbly she might give champagne a run for its money, this girl, no, this woman is more than I could have ever bargained for to meet in cyberspace.  Three thousand, five hundred and forty nine miles separate our physical bodies, but mere inches separate out images as we Skype.  Mere inches separate her and I as our bodies sit in our bedrooms while our minds wander together and dance in the shimmering moonlight.

She has no idea what she is truly capable of, she has no clue that she has got me hook, line and sinker without even having touched me, but she has.  No doubt in my mind whatsoever that I would be on her like white on rice if it wasn’t for three thousand, five hundred and forty nine miles.  But reality dictates we cannot be.

The jangle of reality breaks our dance as my alarm goes off, reminding me that I have to sleep as I have work very early in the morning.  You would think leaving someone in cyberspace is easier than leaving someone in reality, believe me it is not.  My cursor hovers over the hang up button, not wanting to press it after our goodbyes, still looking into those soft blue eyes and wishing I didn’t have to leave.  The real world is calling, with real people, real light and without her face for me to adore.  This is the hardest part.

Being near her in this way gives me comfort, gives me peace and gives me hope.  Tomorrow will be another day, but the best part will be seeing her face again on my screen, that cascading blonde hair, those soft pink lips and those incredible blue eyes.  Tomorrow will bring more work, more problems and less joy, but she will be there as my reminder of hope for the next day.  She is my lighthouse in the stormy seas, she is the reason I smile so much more these days than I used to.

It is so hard to say goodbye, but I know tomorrow when I flick on my laptop in the morning I will have a message from her.  That will be enough to keep me going, to keep me sane, until I see her face again.

“Goodnight Lola, I will see you tomorrow.”

Adrenaline: A Scene From A Story I Am Writing

Finally, he could let go.  He closed his soft brown eyes then rolled back his shoulders, stretching the muscles in his chest.  As he did so he leant his head back, turning it from side to side, savouring the clicks in the vertebrae from the process.  Leaning his head forward he pushed his chin into his chest then stretched his arms out forward, fingers interlaced.  Feeling his triceps, back and hands stretch out, he relaxed and let out a throaty sigh, a growl of pleasure.  His eyes remained closed as he clicked his neck again by leaning his head so his ear touched his shoulder, releasing more clicks of pleasure from his tense muscles.

Adrenaline was coursing through his veins now, he could feel the tingle through his arms and across his shoulders, in his fingertips and through the backs of his thighs.  A diabolical smile spread across his face, his tongue flicking against his canines in a feral, untamed fashion.  Balling his hands into fists and releasing them, he could feel his heart rate quickening, his legs tensing and his shoulders bracing to start working hard.

A few deep breaths and he relaxed his body.  His hands lay by his side in their natural state, his shoulders relaxed but squared up, his head still resting on his chest.  It slowly raises, the sinister smile still spread across his face.  His eyes flick open and now they are dark brown, bordering on black. The good guy, MMS has been put to sleep.  SS has come out to play, SS has taken control now, SS is ready to bring the pain.

What a Difference 10 Minutes Makes

Oh boy! The caffeine and sugar have kicked in big time. That and I put on some bassy music loud and blasted my eardrums into submission and my brain into overdrive. Adrenaline dominates my cerebral cortex and is making me feel indestructible. BRING ON DELIVERY TIME AND WORK!!!

Screw being Titanium, I AM ADAMANTIUM!!!!!!!

I may just rip up a phone book and then go and headbutt a bear, because I am PUMPED!!! RAAAR!!!!