A combination of working a great deal, emotional stress, under 1500 calories per day and a broken sleep pattern/lacking in REM sleep has left me feeling pretty rubbish. I put on a happy face at work but I am not happy. Sales are not at the levels I would want, I personally keep having sales slip through my fingers at the last second and I just don’t feel like a good person at my job.
I knew sales would not be my forte. I knew that I may be kind of friendly, but commission based sales will be difficult for me. I am lucky my base pay is just enough for now, but I need the commission to be able to start moving in the right direction. I am having serious doubts about myself as a person.
I know that my sleep deprived state is partially to blame, and I know I really should not be so hard on myself but I am. When it comes down to brass tacks I am responsible for me and only I can get myself out of my situation. Someone once gave me a severe tongue lashing while I was at one of my lowest points. I was feeling terrible about myself, my family and my miserable situation at the time. When I tried to reach out to them shut me down hard and told me to grow a pair. Not ideally the best response, but at the time I despised them for it, even though I can’t really despise anyone.
I may have a great deal of anger and aggression in me begging to be released and let lose to rampage, but I have very little hate in me. I don’t even like using that word because I believe it to be too extreme when describing anything. You will not find me saying “I hate xxxxxxxx” at any time. I will say “I despise” or “loathe” or “can’t stand” or “can’t abide” or “it really bugs me when”, anything other than that word.
I feel rubbish, I feel like my friends are much farther away from me than I really can handle and I feel kind of alone, even though I am in a house with my parents and brother. I have been calling my closest ones and trying to text others and keep in touch via messages, Facebook etc., but I feel a little bit stranded and separated from the rest.
I want to be happy again, I am just not sure how to get back there.