Items of Unjustifiable Expenditure

New Bed
My current bed is as older than I am. It was my stepfathers bed before he met my mother, and when they got a new one I got his old one. The bed is at least 25 years old. It is a sprung mattress and has four drawers underneath. I would like a new bed, and have been offered some money towards one, but this bed is ok. I mean there are no springs sticking into me. It is comfortable enough and yes, it does creak and squeak when you roll around, but it isn’t hurting me or digging into me or anything. Can I justify £400-500 on a new bed? No.

New Watch
I want to buy myself a new watch. I am turning 25 next week and I want to commemorate it with a new watch. Not a cheap one like the one I wear on a daily basis, but a really nice one. I have my eye on either a Larson and Jennings or a Longines. This would be a present to me from me. I could say I have earned it as I work hard at my job and I have the right to treat myself to something, but surely the bed would be a better idea, potentially improving my sleep, rather than a gorgeous timepiece which I can keep and pass onto someone at a later date. Can I justify £300 now as an expenditure? No. Can I justify it as an investment for a potential family heirloom, be it my own or my brothers, maybe.

Holiday to Dublin
My friends fiancée has booked a trip to New York in November and has now just booked a trip to Paris as well. Both of which are with her friends. My friend has suggested that we do something similar, a trip for him and I and possibly one other to Dublin. Go to the Guinness factory, explore a little, drink a few pints and have a generally good time. At a guess this jaunt will cost around the £500 mark for lodging, exploring, drinking and spending money. Ireland isn’t a cheap holiday. That said nothing is really a cheap holiday. I have never been away with a friend before out of the country, it has always been with family. Hell, I’ve never been away inside the country with just my friends to explore somewhere. This will be a new experience and will be something quite cool to say I have done. Can I justify £500 for an experience and to get drunk? Maybe.

Blinds
I have curtains in my room mounted on a pole which is offset from the wall. Light gets in and I always know when the sun is up, because though my curtains are relatively thick, the light shines up through the gap and wakes me up. I have a cheap solution to this already: a £4 eye mask. I wear it on my face and bang, instant darkness. It does the job and makes it dark so I can sleep at night. The problem is I lose it in my bed and the  can’t find it, so use a T-shirt which inevitably falls off my face as I roll around in my sleep and I wake up at dawn. New blinds would cost me around £75 and I would fit them myself. Can I justify £75 when all I need to do is just be more sensible and the mask at night? No.

New Soles on my Timberland Boots
My ex girlfriend from university bought me these. I tend to refer to them affectionately as My Babies. They were £185 and are nubuck brown with light brown stitching and a brown sole. I love these boots to death. If they could talk they could tell you a hell of a story about me and the things I have done. I am a cathartic person and when asked why I still wear them I say “Every time I put them on I think about walking on her face”. A little light hearted dark humour at her expense. I have had them since 2010 and the sole has been seriously worn. To resole them would cost £50 because of the fact that a local cobbler cannot do it; it has to be sent off to Timberland themselves to redo it with an official sole properly. The thing is will I lose the memories of the shoe by resoling it? Am I editing an original and so making it worthless in my memories. I might ask if they can send me back the original soles as well. That might sound weird, but it makes sense to me. £50 for a new sole, new lease on life for these boots and many more years of walking in them? Yes.

MMS

Let Go and a Prayer

Let go. Let go of the past. You cannot go back and experience it in the same way again. That moment was unique; you can never ever recreate it.

Let go of the people there. They are no longer in your life as they walked out it, you pushed them out or they are in a better place. Hold the good parts inside, but let go and move on, they are never coming back.

Your past is behind you. You can never forget it because it has made you into the person you are today. You can never go back and take back what you said, or say the words you really meant to, or hold that person close again knowing that will be the last time you see them.

I do not believe in God, however there is part of a prayer that I will share here.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

This is an extract of The Serenity Prayer, or more commonly known as The Addicts Prayer. It is used by those who have suffered with substance abuse the world over. This little extract means something to me because it makes me think.

My past has happened, I cannot change that. I can accept it has happened though and learn from it. Remember the good and the bad, let it mould and shape me, but not shackle me.

Let go of my past, it is stopping me embracing my future.

MMS

Theoretical Fatherhood and Being a Dick

Pretty certain my reaction would be the same.  If I am ever fortunate enough to have children, I am going to be the most horrible father imaginable.  Fact.  This or Mike Lowrey in Bad Boys 2; The Godfather role.  I have already been compared to him enough times throughout my life even if I am not tall, ripped, rich, good looking or a womaniser (and I have had Britney Spears Womaniser dedicated to me too, not sure why either?).  Still, I am a good friend and down when people need me.

Last night my friend called me.  I had been sleeping at the time.  She has been calling me the last few weeks and I have never been able to pick up her calls.  The girl is awesome, but with working and time constraints mixed in with my shifts I just haven’t had the opportunity to sit down and talk to her.  She sent me a text message shortly after.

“I need you x”

So guess who was on the phone for 2 hours helping her out.  Yep, this guy.  Then I got told she would be thoroughly disappointed if I did something which I am no longer considering.  Being an arse-hole seems to get you further than being nice, so I might give that a try.  Who knows, it might just suit me.  One way to find out.  I am already prone to being assertive, so I will just stop being polite in my assertive manner.  One of the higher ups saw me act tersely with a customer when she started asking prices before I had scanned the products.  OK, I had already worked out how much it would be in my head roughly, but I was not going to give her that.  So I slowed down and purposely took longer.  She still spent £350 so I didn’t care, but that was the first time that she had ever seen me less than my bouncy happy work self, apart from December where I was so tired I could barely function, but I still worked.

Well that was a fun story time children, now for me to shower and get ready to work.  2 month old beard in 1 more day.  I look rather dodgy with it, but it is like a comfort blanket I can hide behind.  I do not look terrible with it, however I do find it relaxing to play with/stroke and some people think it suits me.  Some however think I look “Way hotter” and “so much sexier” without it.  Not sure.

MMS

Hanging

Right now I am hanging like an 80 year old woman’s pair of tits with no bra.

Tequila, cocktails, whiskey and jager are not my friends.  I cannot drink like my 18 year old self, nor should I try to anymore.  I should however know by now that if I try to drink like that, it will have consequences.

This morning I want to crawl into a hole and never come out.  If I make it through this hangover I will be invincible.  I will be Superman.

On the positive side I had a few girls tell me my beard looks great and even give it a cheeky stroke.  Give me a tickle under the chin and she was a naughty little one.

Time to hydrate…

MMS

I Am Ashamed, But Shouldn’t Be

I went to upload a picture my friend took of her and I at work today. She decided to take some selfies on my phone and was going to set herself as my background but I jumped in while. In the middle of counting.

The pictures of both of us are really nice, she looks smoking as always and my beard looks good. The one where she has stolen my glasses and is rocking those she looks really good in. The problem is that out IDs are showing so you can see who we work for.

That is not the part I am ashamed of. The company I work for is great. The part I am ashamed of is the fact that I am going to be 25, and I work in retail. It is a company that as soon as anyone in England, and a few in the US would see and know he works in a shop. My friends would all know that I did a degree, spent all that time and money and I ended up here.

They all ended up in big jobs at the big four firms, doing their ACCA OR CIMA. They all work bringing in big money, doing well and being successful in their careers. And here I am. In a job. And im good at it granted. I mean we had the heads of buying and merchandising in today and they liked me and knew my name before they met me which I was surprised at and the girl I worked with told me off for hitting on one of them (she was my type, I couldn’t help it). But it is so silly I should be that bothered by my life status or title.

I have always been like that. Comparing my success to everyone else. Comparing my life to everyone else. And everyone else who I am friends with is doing better than me. It makes me feel crap, but maybe that is just how I will always be; never quite as successful as those around me. Good for them, they are doing them and getting what they deserve, I guess I am getting mine too.

Time to sleep.

MMS

Ohhh, Now I Get It I Think…

I just clicked something with Engaged girl.  I was talking to a girl I went to university with.  She didn’t graduate as she had to go home, but I have had quite a few encounters with her while we studied together.  This includes a few very awkward moments which got me in some trouble with the Mrs at the time.

I looked at a picture of this girl and had a glass breaking moment.  You know those moments where something just clicks.  That girl was the one that could have been a whole lot of fun and potentially something serious as we clicked on a physical and intellectual level.

The Engaged girl and her look very similar.  and I mean very VERY similar.  I had to do a double take to make sure it was not her!

Maybe that is why I am curious about her.  I am reliving the past? I am chasing a past idea? I want what I cannot have?

She was texting me again today.  I talked and she brought up the car, and when I got annoyed when talking to her and used a sharp tone and she immediately fell into place.  She said no one talks to her like that and she liked it.  I laughed at that one.

MMS

Damn Dreams

I have always dreamt a lot.  As long as I can remember I regularly had very vivid dreams about all sorts of things a minimum of once a week.  Last night I dreamt about my ex girlfriend.

It was really odd.  I was walking though my old job in a supermarket behind her and she was wearing leggings and a top.  I was ok with this outfit in my dream which is definitely not reality as I hated leggings back then.  I always thought the way they cut off at the ankle looked weird, and she had a great bum, so I didn’t like other people staring at it other than me.  (Insecure much?)

I went over to her because she had a label behind her ear and told her this and removed it for her.  She smiled at me and thanked me, then continued to walk with her basket in her hand like she had not recognised me at all.  That kind of makes sense because I am currently sporting a 5 week old beard.  I do look different with it, but someone I had not seen in 3 years instantly recognised me yesterday from the job at the supermarket I used to have.  That might be where the setting came from….

As to why I dreamt about her, that part I am not so sure about.  I have been single nearly 2 years now and not been dating for well over a year.  Not sure why she would pop up.  Not what would have been our anniversary, not when we broke up and not her birthday, so I have no clue.

I guess it is just one of those things.  Damn dreams.

MMS

I Shouldn’t Have Done That

Yesterday I went for lunch with the engaged girl. That is cool, we were hanging as friends. We went to macdonalds so it could hardly be seen as a date or anything inappropriate. What may have been inappropriate was our conversation subject.

For three hours we basically talked about sex. Her (very limited ) experiences and mine. I told her tips and ideas to get her fiancé going and other little things which will help make sex better for her. Then she came out with a revelation which blew my mind!

I knee guys could get hard ons without actually being aroused, but I had no idea ladies could get lady boners without actually wanting anything. It makes sense I suppose but I thought it was a bodily reaction to being turned on. I should research that further to see if it is true or not.

This lead onto a conversation where she had had lady boners for the last 2 months, but hasn’t been turned on. She said her fiancé had tried but couldn’t get her engine revving. This lead to the more dangerous part.

I said I would show her how I would do it, and he could use it as a starter to teach him. I said it was an offer, she could take it or leave it, and there would be no offence if she did. I said I would not touch any “danger zones” but I would touch her thigh, I would be in her personal space, but what I said would be of a similar level to what we were talking about now. I left the offer on the table as we continue to talk. She accepted the offer.

So we got back in her car, drove somewhere a little more secluded and hopped in the back. At first she was skeptical and I was nervous. I didn’t think I would be able to do it, but then I thought fuck it and I turned on the charm.

About 10 minutes later I stopped when she leaned up and tried to kiss me. Challenge complete.

Here is where I was a naive fool. I turned her on, and was expecting to walk away here. Nope. She got tenacious and wanted more! She actually wanted me to kiss her, along with a few of the other ideas I had suggested into her ear. I had to carefully decline and bring her back down to earth. Now she could teach her fiancé those moves and he would be a charmer in no time. 

I’m an arsehole aren’t I? I know it was a real dick move. She’s engaged, she’s young, she doesn’t know any better. I’m older and taking advantage. But I didn’t kiss her or anything like that, regardless of what she wanted me to do. I know I’m telling you the kids version of this, but she has a dark horse in her. Surprising to me what she turned into when she wanted it. Quite the forceful little bombshell and her eyes really shone. But no, I have boundaries. But I’m pushing them. I’ve been a good guy a long time, maybe I need a dick head phase? Who knows.

MMS

I See Fire – Ed Sheeran

This song is not the first one of Ed’s I have posted.  I have posted about Drunk, Give Me Love and Lego House.

I see fire, inside the mountain 
I see fire, burning the trees
and I see fire, hollow in the soul
I see fire, burning the breeze
and I hope that you remember me.  

Incredible how in two years you can go from me first hearing about him by the Nandos Skank

to now playing the closing credits theme song to Peter Jacksons second part of The Hobbit.  That is an astronomical rise.  Well Done Ed, you deserve it.

Stupid Rant on Idiotic Subjects

I am an idiot.  Yes. I am a fucking idiot.

Want to know why? Of course you fucking don’t because this sporadic as fuck waste of space blog is nothing much more now than an attention seeking outlet for a small minded idiot of attempts to talk to women but is incapable of doing anything properly.

Yes, yet again this is a post about women.  Why? Because I derive my confidence from it.  I feel good when someone likes me, and shows and interest in me, and when I have no one, I am fucked.  I feel like utter shit, my mood is worse than dom drop and i want to fucking crawl into a hole and never see daylight again.

There are three girls I have been talking to.  Yes, I am an arsehole.  The most important one is someone who lives about 500 miles away.  She is incredible if lacking in self confidence and she found me attractive.  She still finds me attractive but I have been doing everything I can to push her away and make her need or want me less.   Why, because I am a self sabotaging cockpouch who deep down knows nothing can come of this, so push her away so she doesn’t attach, or worse, I do.  Turns out it is too late on both accounts of that.

The second is a girl.  I say girl rather than a woman because she is 18.  She is engaged and her and I have been talking and flirting outrageously, and I mean outrageously, especially as she is fucking engaged.   There is no way in hell she would get away with what she is saying to be if her fiance saw what she sends me, and yet I know what is going on is so many levels of wrong, because of her engagement and the fact is is a devout christian (debateable by the pictures I have).  But I am pushing her away to, but my hormones get in the way and I end up hitting on her then regretting it instantly.

The third one is an astounding woman who I work with.  She is in a different store but I see her minimum once a week and we talk 3-4 times a week.  She is smart and hard working.  The problem is she is 22 and so innocent.  That is one of her most attractive qualities as I love to corrupt innocents.  It is just one of my favourite things ever.  Partially why I enjoy the girl as much as I do this one.  But tonight I found out she has got a boyfriend within the last few days.  Some friends told me and after the absolutely innuendo laced conversation I had with her while helping her do sales targets percentages as a proportion of footfall on her weekly and monthly targets while splitting them into mens and womens which she had no idea and she called me because she knew I could work it out faster than anyone else I had no idea at all she was taken.  The only things stopping us were you do not shit where you eat, she is taller than me by a significant amount and she does not see me that way, regardless of our chat.

Oh look.  I am not fucking any of them.  I am not at all with any of them like that, yet this emotional shit is fucking with me.  How much of a bellend am I? A massive one is the correct answer.  There is no physicality there at all and now I am just letting all this shit get up in my head and fuck with me.

So 1 is being pushed away, 2 is being pushed away even harder and 3 I have basically said any connection emotionally I am severing and we are done before starting.  That just happened in the last 5 minutes.

Yep. I am an idiot, I derive confidence from women and am utterly incapable of not being a lecherous arsehole and a complete disgrace to both myself and gentlemen who I attempt to be.  I am scum.

The fuck is the point in me anyway? Because I don’t know.  I am just pathetic.