I am a pile of emotions I cannot comprehend,

I am a person who is faithful until the very end,

I trust to easily, give my heart away too quick,

Want to believe in positivity, spread happiness until I’m sick,

I’ve been sitting here in the dark watching military reunions,

Thinking they are wonderful people, with families crying in unison,

And I set here, with my eyes brimming up,

Wishing them fortune, and the very best of luck,

My situation may not be the best in the world,

But those who serve their country, protecting boys and girls,

Those people are Heroes, every single one,

And to them I salute,

You brave sons of guns.

A Little Relief I Hope

Today is my last day at work until the new year I think. I have 4-5 days off if the rota hasn’t changed, which makes me quite happy.

I hope to see some old friends in this time, maybe catch up on some shows and read a book. I also intend to hit the gym every day if I can. A short sharp shock to my system, but I need to get back into a routine properly.

I also intend to write something. I don’t know what, but I want to write something. I wrote something last night; not one of my best but a reasonable shot. It was about 2 people throwing an old mans ashes into the sea. Sounds depressing I know, but there was a silver lining. It was a moment of sadness, with hope breaking through, hope that life will get better.

In a way it was a partial metaphor for me. Though I am sad now, hope is still there, and life will get better and improve. I know it will eventually. I think seeing my friends will perk me up, and spending time in the gym will do the same, if it doesn’t annoy me how much fitness I have lost. I am a little nervous that all this time off might have a negative effect, but I intend to push that thought away and keep it positive and forward thinking.

Hope everyone is having a good day and you are all feeling good.



Imagination and Dreams

I have an incredibly vivid imagination. I have no artistic skill with paints or chalks, but I attempt to paint pictures with my words so you can see what I see in my mind.

I had a crazy dream last night involving the guy in the wheelchair from Twilight, (except he could walk) a police officer, a dream within a dream (premonition of my actions in my dream), Stanley blades, a sapphire ring and me hiding in a house with someone I know. It was surreal to say the least. I am not sure what to make of it all, but it was interesting when my alarm went off at 4:01 and I thought “what the hell was that all about”

Having an active imagination is brilliant, but can be awful at times. It means I dream up situations even when I don’t want to think about those things, and I find it very difficult to switch it off. It means when I have nightmares they are terrifyingly real. It means I dream about things I don’t want to dream about at times.

I love my imagination; it leads me to some amazing places, but I wish it had an off button at times. Sometimes I just need it to stop so I can rest instead of torturing myself for hours over “what ifs” and “if onlys”.

Merry Christmas

To those who are looking at me strange, from what I know mainland Europe celebrate from the 24th going into the 25th. So to them I say Merry Christmas.

To the rest of you I am saying it early. I am in a reasonably good mood and so while I still have positivity and happiness within me I want to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas. I know it may not be a great one for all of you, we haven’t even put a tree up this year, but I am hopeful that things will be ok.

There is a whole lot of heartache and pain out there, but to those people I reach out my arms and give them a hug. I don’t care if you are sick or crying or whatever. I give you a hug, my love and a piece of happiness. May your day get better and have yourself a merry little Christmas.

Peace, Love & Happiness to everyone out there


Brilliant Blog Award

A few weeks ago AnxiousElephant nominated me for The Brilliant Blog Award.

thebrilliantblogawardNow there are three rules to this award

1. Write an acceptance speech, linking back to the person who gave it to you

2. Write 7 things you believe in

3. Give the award to as many brilliant blogs as you would like to share the love.


My Speech

I am completely humbled by the fact that anyone thinks this blog is brilliant and to you Ellie, I thank you from the very bottom of my heart.  You are an incredible and sweet blogger and I hope that I can achieve even part of what you can do.  You are inspiring and talented.

7 Things I Believe In

1. I know some incredibly talented and intelligent individuals.  I believe in them completely and their ability so succeed in whatever they do with their lives.

2. I believe that eventually something good will fall into place in my life.  I used to believe in karma, but I am pretty certain that that is a lie.

3. Hard work pays off.  This I believe in sometimes as I have put in days/weeks of hard work to be told it is wrong, but it does mean I have learnt something from it; like don’t take it so personally or just care less.

4. I believe that mutants of the superpowered variety will eventually exist at some point.  I mean you have incredible individuals now with intellects beyond the comprehension of most people, but I am talking x-men/fringe/alphas style superhumans

5. I believe I am struggling to find 7 things I believe in.  7 things I do not believe in would be easier.

6. I believe that sex is a natural thing and should not be a taboo subject in any way.  Many people are into may different things, not always liked by others, but that is their preference.  So long as it is all consensual I see no problem with it.

7. I believe mental health issues should be talked about more and be more widely known about.  Too many people dismiss it ( I raise my hand here, I used to do that until I saw it properly).  It is another thing which should not be taboo, but widely spoken about and more people need to be educated upon the matter.

Awarding To Others

In honesty, there are only 4 people I really want to give this award to.  One of which nominated me, one who I am pretty certain has this award already, one who will not accept this award but I hope she knows that I am talking about her right here, and a 4th who I think deserves a bit more exposure.  They are:

Anxious Elephant

Crazy In The Coconut


I hope all of you are well, and have a great holiday season.



Not A Great Start

I got up early this morning to go to the gym. By early I mean half 8 on my day off to get to the gym for 10. It takes 45 minutes to walk to the gym from my house and I was bang on time when I got there. I had eaten a croissant and walked at a reasonable pace so I was feeling warmed up and prepared.

When I got in the gym I weighed myself to make sure I was correct about my weight loss. I have dropped 5.5kg in 2 months; the two months I have been working. What happened next I should have expected seeing as how my body has changed, but I didn’t want to believe it.

I was no where near the standard I was before, not even close. I tried to do my normal work out:

1Km run
15-45Km cycling
2km rowing
Weights (today legs) usually 4-5 machines

That did not work out well remotely for me. Today I actually did:

No run
10Km cycle
No rowing

The weights I did on my legs were appalling. I used to do 135Kg on the leg press, today I struggled with 85Kg. I was so tired after the cycling I thought I was going to collapse and I skipped the run because of people on the machines, and I am glad I did.

I saw some friends playing squash so I sat with them in an attempt to buoy my mood. I was happy with then, but really I was still bubbling under.

The most amusing thing was my friend when he sat next to me. He mimicked my body language perfectly. So I changed my position and he did the same. I love reading people and that was amusing to me that he effectively copied my posture subconsciously.

The gym has only made me angrier, and now I might be going out for a drink later, maybe, perhaps. This day sucks balls, this month does really. F*ck December, it is a crap month.


Push Me, I Dare You

I am angry. I have been putting a happy and flirty persona on for friends and family, but I am furious. I am unsure why but this undercurrent of anger is just there, refusing to leave and wanting to f*ck some s*it up.

Listening to Chase & Status ft Tempa T Hypest Hype is feeding this anger, that is for sure. I want to be very physical. I want to be very aggressive, and I want to break something or someone.

Now my train has been delayed yet again for another 20 minutes. F*cking floods. F*cking stupid trains. I want to go home and do something. I am pacing up and down while doing this. Hardly conducive towards a calmer state of mind but that is not what I want. I want someone to try it, then I will take MMS off his very short tether.

Rule This World

Fire burns through my veins,
Passion surges through my spine,
Love focuses my fears,
It is time to take what’s mine.

Weaknesses are washed away,
Control is grasped firmly in my hand,
Fight for the future, for now my boy,
Show this world your master plan.

Prove your value, show your worth,
Show your entitlement from your birth,
Let them know your blood is strong
And Rule This World forever on.

The past casts a stark shadow,
But show your light is brighter,
You have come too far to fall and fail,
My boy you are a fighter.

Trouble Has Come Out To Play

Well, this is the last thing I expected to come out while I have been feeling this low.  My troublesome side has come out to play.  I want to flirt, I want to cause trouble, I want to let my bad side play and have fun with a cute little thing who is game.

I had no idea that this side of me would come out while wrapping Christmas presents and dancing along to Spotify.  My room smells like a Lush Store (presents for sisters, also side note I did my final year project on Lush and they are a fantastically ethical company!), I am wiggling my hips and have a kinky smile on my face.

MMS has come out to play, shame I am not going out tonight and doing something social.  In this mood I would be brilliant fun, that is for certain.  Oh Usher, you put me in such a good mood.  Did you know basically every song he has ever done is about women in one capacity or another.  I am not listening to the break up ones, I am going old school with sex songs.

Netty you get a cheeky wink tonight, you have been such a great girl to me, let me show you my appreciation.  A drink? Dinner? Oh right you are intangible.  Well how about I run my fingers all over my keyboard and write all the things you want to hear all over you? Maybe turn on my mic and growl all those things into you and watch your screen go fuzzy as you get flustered.  Oh you are bad Netty, I like that.  I know we are already in my bedroom, doesn’t mean you are going to get everything you want, you have to work for it 😉


Struggling and Misinformation

I have just got back from my friend’s house and I can feel sadness creeping up on me.  I was on the late last night and we both were off today so I went round his for a few whiskies and beers.  We ended up staying up until about 2am talking and watching American Pie 1.  We talked about a friend of ours who has recently gone through a break up and she is struggling.  After my friend’s partner started explaining more in depth what she has been doing and saying she was screaming signs of depression to me.  Worryingly she displayed a hell of a lot of the same characteristics that I did, and that is absolutely not a good thing.  I am worried about her.  I have advised them on what to do and how to help her, but I cannot get directly involved currently as that would be compromising to both her and I.

On my own personal level I have been keeping up a wall of happy with my colleagues and my friends, but inside I am not doing so well.  On Friday afternoon the cluster manager visited and said a whole bunch of stuff needed re-pricing.  As the most senior person was not in, and would not be in again until Tuesday and I was in every day it fell to me to organise and get everything done before Tuesday morning when they would revisit.  I slogged every single day, with the help of my colleagues when they were in, but I was the only consistent factor every day getting the work done.  They come in Tuesday and guess what, the pricing previously was correct, change it all back.  I was in one of the stock rooms sorting out the chaos that has occurred in the there due to multiple transfers and when I came out and found this out I was both angry and completely defeated.  I had worked so hard and it was a real moment of pride to have everything done and ready by Monday afternoon so it was relaxing and nothing had to be worried about for my colleagues on Tuesday morning.

This was the first time I had properly taken the helm on a project and that I could say was run by me.  I did the job, and only got told that it was wrong.  When my area manager finally saw me it was as he was picking his bags to leave.  I was re-pricing everything back to the previous levels.  He laughed when he saw my face like thunder.  My comment

“Do not come within a 2 metre radius of me, it won’t end well I can tell you that now”

He genuinely looked worried, as he knew full well that it was him who made us re-price, and his false information which lead to this mess.  His response

“Well at least it keeps you busy”

I kept my mouth firmly shut and glued to the screen in front of me.  They only way I would not have switched on him and gone apesh*t.

I have to work again tomorrow.  The most annoying thing is that I now have to work Christmas day.  So I am working Christmas Eve, day and Boxing Day.  I am so annoyed, but it has to be done, I need the money, but I want to see my family.  I hope they can understand.  I hope I am not a failure of a son by doing this, especially with everything that has been going on in the house of late.

I hope everyone else is having a better time than me.