My Ring

I wrote a post a few months back called “My Symbol of Commitment”, and in it I wrote about 2 rings which I wore when in relationships.  They were a daily reminder of my partner, and in a way a bit of a comfort, because I do very much like wearing a ring.  I mention near the end a gold ring and that is what this post is about.

My gold ring was given to me as gift on my 18th birthday.  It is a tradition to be given a ring of this design to each male in the family upon turning 18.  My dad and uncle have one, my grandfather did, and I became the first to possess one being the eldest male of my generation.  I wear it every day nowadays as it reminds me of my responsibility to my family.   Also it feels right to wear it.  I wear it on my right hand on my middle finger.   I will admit there is a real comfort aspect with playing with it, but it has a much deeper meaning in truth behind it.

You should be able to see there is actually an engraved letter on the bottom half of the ring, and that letter is my first initial.  Everyone who owns one of these has their first initial engraved into it so it becomes their ring.  I am unsure what has become of my grandfather’s ring, I think it has been passed down to my uncle.  I know that when I pass, mine will go to my brother, or if I am lucky enough to have children, to my eldest child.

In a couple of years my brother will turn 18 and he will receive his own ring, and I very much look forward to the day he gets his.  We are very close as it is, but this is a special bond, almost a rite of passage into adulthood.  I know he will strive to make the family proud, just as I am attempting to do so now.

Note: Though my first initial is referred to here, I’d still prefer to be MMS or Stream on here.  Thanks.

Calming and Rethinking

Earlier today I wrote a very ranty post.  It is currently 00:26 and I am feeling much calmer.   After I managed to get out of the house I went on a 2 hour and some change walk, getting home around 1ish.  I took my backpack with me and filled it with weights so it was heavy.  I wanted this walk to make me sweat, to make me work and to make my legs and back hurt.  It succeeded, I had marks on my shoulders from the straps and my thighs were burning a little, not enough, but it would do.

By the end of the walked I had calmed from a 10/10 on the anger scale to an 8.  8 is manageable, but still not ideal.  8 I can work with and push down, which I did.  I was supposed to meet my friend at 6, but I was unsure about that at all because I didn’t want to be bad company and be all brooding and rubbish.  But I managed to suppress the anger a little further and thought about what I was angry about and why it was just so stupid.

I flared up at something I shouldn’t have.  In real terms it was a compounding of multiple factors, but as individual pieces, many of them were explainable and not justifiable for an angry response.  It was just me over-reacting.  It did not help that in 27 hours all I had eaten was 2 packets of crisps.  I need to sort my meal patterns out; I get really bad when I don’t eat regularly.

I walked to my friend’s house and we sat and watched the football and just chatted about bits and pieces.  He and his partner made enchiladas with rice which were absolutely delicious.  It felt kind of odd that my stomach felt so full even though I kind of liked the empty feeling.  I had intended to get pretty hammered with my friend, but a double neat and 3 double JD’s and cokes and I knew I needed to stop.  If I didn’t there was a distinct possibility that I would end up getting home with bloodied knuckles, and I didn’t want that to happen.

I am so grateful for my friend.  He is an awesome guy.  I am not sure how much his partner knows, but I assume the majority of what he knows, she does, with the exception of the darker secrets I have entrusted to him.  I had no justifiable reason to flare and rage, I just didn’t eat and a bunch of things all came together in my head and I blew.

I need to learn to control my anger better, and accept those things which are out of my control.  I need to be calmer like I was before, but not shut off my emotions like I had back then.  I need to find that happy medium, the balanced place in my head.  In a way I don’t want that angry side of me to disappear, because I know that if I got into a tight spot, that anger and unbridled rage may just save my life, but it needs to not be the go to or ruling emotion that I have.

Peace and love to you all, and especially to you Internet, you are such a good listener.

Angry Rant.

I cannot believe myself at times.  I seriously doubt how much control over myself I have.

Literally reading a Facebook status which contains two people’s names has set me off.  I can feel a twisted knot of anger in my stomach.  I can just feel that coursing of adrenaline through my bloodstream making me want to go and break something.  The messed up thing? It is because they are happy.  I am such a f***ed up individual.

I am sitting on my bed calm and collected and I am fine.  One status passes by, yeah no problem.   I second passes by and that is it, I am frigging annoyed.  I need someone to come back home so I can leave the house.  This is horse crap.  Seriously MMS, can you just not control your emotions?  You are going out tonight to see a friend, maybe it is better you get all this anger and frustration out, because if you don’t, there is a distinct possibility that you will blow after all the Jack Daniels you will be drinking tonight.

Oh and another bloody thing.  When I go out I tell whomever is in the house what time I will be back, but the last 3 times my stepdad has gone out he has said oh 20 or 40 minutes and has been 2 or 3 hours.  That annoys me.  I do not want to be alone for extended periods of time (I have not told him why) and he insists on being a douche and not telling me correct timings, especially as I am cooking dinner for the house and don’t want it to dry out or ruin.

AND another thing, I walked to the gym yesterday, found it is only being bloody refurbished and won’t be ready for another few days.  Do you know how angry that made me? I went to the gym yesterday morning to get some anger out and work off all the junk I have been eating because yesterday I looked in the mirror and absolutely hated everything about my body.  Now I cannot go to the gym, I cannot leave my house and I cannot relieve this anger.  I need to go out.  I need to either gym it up hard, which I cannot or walk for hours and hours at a fast pace.  I need to.

I have to get out but I can’t.  I feel like a caged animal.  It is maddening.

FINALLY permission granted.  I am going to pace like a mother trucker.  I cannot believe I am censoring myself on my own blog.  That is some stupidness right there.

1000 Views!!!

At 21:27 on Friday the 28th of September 2012 I checked my stats and I have reached 1000 views!!! Yay for me! Thank you to all who have checked out my blog, all who have commented and liked and subscribed and who have linked to me as well.  I am rather chuffed in complete honesty as I never thought I would have 1000 views and 47 subscribers ever on here. I thought I would remain in obscurity and just blog to myself.

Thank you once again! I raise a glass of whiskey (no champers nearby for me) to you all.  Cheers!

Hugging

I am a hugger.  I love to hug people.  I will hug anyone, complete strangers to old friends, family to the pet of a friend of mine, I LOVE TO HUG!

A short discourse between Juliet at Always Allegoric and I prompted me to write this post I have had in the back of my mind.  I offered her big bear hugs, and that is one of my favourite things to do when I see people.  I adore giving people big hugs and squeezing them.  It is such a warm and friendly thing to do, and has a certain level of intimacy as you are breaking both the personal space and the touch barrier at the same time (great if flirting, but I am keeping this post mainly on friendship hugs)

I hug most of my male friends.  With guys I generally tend to keep it to a handshake on first introductions, but by the end of the night I will give you a hug goodbye without a doubt.  Guys who have known me longer always get a hug when I see them.  My ex housemate who knows about this blog is a massive 6 foot plus (180cm +) man weighing around 17 stone (108kg) and I hug him and pick him up!! (I am 5 foot 7 (170 cm) and a little under 11stone (68kg)).

When I meet woman I let them take the lead.  It is partly because that is how I was raised with the old school gentleman thing with women who are not family.  Generally I like to give them a hug, but it is not a big squeeze, just a gentle intro one with a little squeeze so it isn’t feminine.  Handshakes are given on occasion, and if they are a friend of a friend, occasionally kisses on the cheek are given/exchanged.  With some girls I knew I was really genuinely scared about giving them the big bear hugs I do with most people because I was terrified of hurting them.

Now I am not crazy strong, but I have been known to click backs when hugging.  With the daintier (in my opinion) of my female friends I would tell them how I felt and they would 9 times out of 10 tell me to not worry and give them a proper hug!!  I was always worried I might hurt their backs or ribs or boobs or something, so I got nervous.  Once permission is given, it is their own fault then!

With family I always hug and give them a kiss on each cheek.  I have done this as long as I can remember, so breaking the touch barrier is fairly normal to me.  This may seem odd from a British person, but I have non British heritage, so this is how my family do greetings/farewells.

I love to hug people because it is just such a nice thing to do.  It is warm and friendly and a sign of trust to me.  With certain situations it can be comforting, a sign you care and reassuring to those who are in your arms.  That is one of my favourite types of hugs; the one where you wrap your arms around someone and hug them tight so they know they are safe and protected from everything in this world.  That hug is generally reserved for women and children, but there have been a few guys in need of that hug at times.  My favourite man hug is the one where you haven’t seen each other in ages and your chests literally smash into each other and you wrap your arms around each other and squeeze until one gives up.  Those are hilariously fun, and can be really awkward for other people to watch, which is even funnier for the huggers! (Am I making up my own words here, and distinguishing between different types of hugs? I think I am!)

My point to this post is I love to hug.  If you would like one feel free to take one from this ***pile of hugs***.  Big love to you Internet, and to all those who are reading/subscribed/like/comment on my posts.  It means a lot to me and I appreciate it.  Peace out 😀 (((Hugs)))

99 Questions

While browsing blogs I found this “99 Questions” thing at Musings of Randomness.  I used to do these by email a lot back in the day, so I thought why not have a throwback moment and have a crack at one.  Here we go.

1: Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? Closed. Always.  I was raised with the superstition that if you leave your wardrobe doors open you are letting money out.  That and open wardrobe doors annoy me.

2: Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel? Yes I do, but I haven’t stayed in a hotel in years.

3: Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?I have sheets tucked in over my mattress, but a duvet on my bed.  So out, as in non-existent?

4: Have you ever stolen a street sign before?No, but if you were to ask about traffic cones…whole different story.

5: Do you like to use post-it notes? Yes, very much so.

6: Do you cut out coupons but then never use them? Nope.

7: Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees? Bear, less painful I imagine.

8: Do you have freckles? Nope, not at all.

9: Do you always smile for pictures?  No, I actually have a habit of sticking my tongue out, but I smile occasionally too.

10: What is your biggest pet peeve? Rude people.  They really annoy me.  Oh, queue jumpers too.

11: Do you ever count your steps when you walk? No.

12: Have you ever peed in the woods? Yes.

13: What about pooped in the woods? No.

14: Do you ever dance even if there’s no music playing? Yes, and I look like a nut job.

15: Do you chew your pens and pencils? Yes, even at 23.

16: How many people have you slept with this week? Zero.

17: What size is your bed? Double bed size

18: What is your Song of the week? Harry Shotta – Like a G6 (Remix).  It’s good, lyrically not great, but his flow and timing is on point.

19: Is it okay for guys to wear pink? Personally I don’t wear any pink, I don’t even think I own any, but some people can pull it off, so go for it.

20: Do you still watch cartoons? Animie and cartoons, hell yes I do.

21: What’s your least favourite movie? IT the Clown

22: Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?  Back garden next to the shed.

23: What do you drink with dinner? Water

24: What do you dip a chicken nugget in? Usually BBQ sauce, but I do like ketchup too.

25: What is your favourite food? This thing called Rissoles, which is like tuna in a red sauce wrapped in pastry and deep fried.  That or calamari.

26: What movies could you watch over and over and still love? Friends with Benefits, Evolution, Bad Boys I and II, The Avengers.

27: Last person you kissed/kissed you? Romantically, Matchbox20 girl, otherwise it was my step-mum on Monday morning before I left.

28: Were you ever a boy/girl scout? Yes I was a cub scout, but left before becoming a ranger scout.

29: Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine? Yes.  But tastefully, I am a man of morals.  But let me have a few months warning so I can hit the gym a little harder.

30: When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?  December 2nd 2011

31: Can you change the oil on a car? No, but give me a manual and I’d give it a crack.

32: Ever gotten a speeding ticket? No, I only have my provisional licence

33: Ever ran out of gas? As in petrol, no, as I cannot drive, but as in natural gas in heating, yes.  We had a meter in my second year so we ran out of gas every now and again, but being cheap students we rarely topped it up and just froze our butts off.

34: Favourite kind of sandwich? Double bacon and egg sandwich with ketchup.  3 slices of bread, 6 rashers of bacon and 2 eggs, sunny side up.  SO GOOD!

35: Best thing to eat for breakfast? See above, or a full English.

36: What is your usual bedtime? Whenever, I need more structure really, been about 1am lately

37: Are you lazy? At times, but I can be psychotically driven at times.

38: When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween?  Never went out dressed up for Halloween.

39: What is your Chinese astrological sign? Snake.

40: How many languages can you speak? English and passable French, so 2.

41: Do you have any magazine subscriptions? No.

42: Which are better Legos or Lincoln logs? No idea what Lincoln Logs are so Lego.

43: Are you stubborn? I can be, but I can be persuaded I am wrong if the argument is coherent.

44: Who is better…Leno or Letterman?  Don’t watch either

45: Ever watch soap operas? Do comedies count like scrubs?

46: Are you afraid of heights? Not particularly.

47: Do you sing in the car? Yes, I have been known to.

48: Do you sing in the shower? No.

49: Do you dance in the car? Oh yes, most definitely.

50: Ever used a gun? BB gun and paintball gun.

51: Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? Graduation day from university, July 2011.  Professional photographer I assume we are going with here.

52: Do you think musicals are cheesy? Some of them aim for that, but generally no, they can be brilliant.

53: Is Christmas stressful? Not really, apart from when I worked for a supermarket, then yes, it was.

54: Ever eat a pierogi? No, but I’d give it a go.

55: Favourite type of fruit pie? Only ever had apple, so I’ll go with that.

56: Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? Very young, a doctor, up until 16, lawyer, up until 19 Accountant, now, not 100% sure.

57: Do you believe in ghosts? Not sure.

58: Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? No.

59: Take a vitamin daily? No.

60: Wear slippers? No.

61: Wear a bath robe? Yes, I love my dressing gown.

62: What do you wear to bed? Depends on the temperature.  Can be joggers and a t-shirt, can be just my boxers.

63: First concert? Never been to a concert as such, but seen bands play at my university.

64: Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? Hugo Boss if I could, such great tailoring, and such nice gear.

65: Nike or Adidas? Nike

66: Cheetos Or Fritos? Walkers

67: Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? Honey Glazed Peanuts are the canine’s testicles. (Means good for the non Brits who don’t understand the phrase “It’s the dogs bo*locks”)

68: Ever hear of the group Tres Bien? No.

69: Ever take dance lessons? Yes.

70: Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? No clue.

71: Can you curl your tongue? Yes.

72: Ever won a spelling bee? Never entered one, so no.

73: Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Yes.

74: Own any record albums? No, but my dad has hundreds.

75: Own a record player? I used to, and there is one still in the house.

76: Regularly burn incense? No.

77: Ever been in love? I want to say yes, but I question it within relationships.  I have said it and it felt right anyway.

78: Who would you like to see in concert? Example, Plan B, LostPhrophets, Muse, Maroon 5 or The Script.

79: What was the last concert you saw? N/A

80: Hot tea or cold tea? Hot. Always. Milk one sugar, ta.

81: Tea or coffee? Tea

82: Sugar or snickerdoodles? I’m going to go with snickerdoodle because that is just a cool word.

83: Can you swim well? Well enough not to drown yet.

84: Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Yes.

85: Are you patient? Yes.

86: DJ or band, at a wedding? Band for ceremony and reception, DJ for the night.

87: Ever won a contest? No.

88: Ever have plastic surgery? No.

89: Which are better black or green olives? Neither. Olives are foul.

90: Can you knit or crochet? No, but I can sew.

91: Best room for a fireplace? Living rooms, or in a very fancy bedroom.

92: Do you want to get married? Maybe.

93: If married, how long have you been married? N/A

94: Who was your HS crush? I went to a secondary school, and I dated my crush from 16-19.

95: Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way? No.

96: Do you have kids? No.

97: Do you want kids? Yes.

98: What’s your favourite colour? Purple, Black (argument can be made that black is not a colour) and Silver.

99: Do you miss anyone right now? Yes, far too many.

An Old Rule Still In Play

When I was about 14 I used MSN Messenger a great deal.  I used it to communicate with a great deal of my friends after I had eaten dinner.   Back then we only had one PC in the house connected to the internet which was my step dads in his office.  Every night about 7pm I would ask to go on the PC and chat to my friends until about half 9 at the latest because then I had to go to bed.  On weekends that was extended to 10pm.  Yeah, I lead a rock and roll lifestyle, that is why I did rather well in my GCSE’s (1A*, 5A’s, 4B’s, 1C)

I remember a friend of mine talking to me saying how no one ever talked to him online.  I told him my rule, which oddly enough I still sort of adhere to today.  That rule was:

“If they don’t talk to you first, don’t message them first.  Unless they are cute, but then you have play some games”

I saw myself as a bit of a flirt back then, and I sort of was when I was 16 as I had masses of confidence with girls.  That more or less calmed down by the time I left 6th form, but there are still residual pieces of that which show themselves at times.  This is partly why I have never been able to shake the label of “flirt”, but I am digressing from the point I was trying to make.

That rule I made I basically stuck by, and to an extent I do so today as well.  I always feel that by texting people first it comes across as needy.  I need a purpose to talk to people, such as to arrange something, or because I told them I would text them to make contact.  Just texting to say “Hi, how are you?” is really quite difficult for me.  The hypocrisy of it is that I want people to text me when they are down so I can help them out and cheer them up or whatever, but I find it so very difficult to reach out for help.

In my post “Improvement” I wrote about talking to my closest male friend.  I sat him down and told him I was slipping, and I needed someone to know I was and to just keep an eye on me.  That was difficult because I had to:

a) Admit something was wrong.

b) Tell him what was going on and be very vulnerable.

c) Admit to some things going on in my head which I did not want to believe, or admit I felt.

I am not sure what has happened with this post, it has kind of swirled and now got to here and I am a little confused and lost.  I’ve read it back a few times and it still kind of doesn’t make complete sense.  I think I will end it with I am a bit of a confused individual, reaching out to people is hard, and I hope I can be more normal tomorrow.

Moment of Light Happiness

I have just got off Skype with my mum.  I haven’t spoken to her since Thursday and seeing her face even though she is many thousands of miles away just made me smile so much.  We joked and wound each other up and chatted to my aunt and uncle and cousin and cheered them up after the stress of having to deal with my grandmother.

Today I have done two loads of washing, vacuumed the entire house, cleaned the living room and dining room and am going to cook dinner for the three of us shortly.  It has been fairly productive but that is because I needed to not be still or my mind would start going to bad places.  Seeing my mum made me smile, and I know that I will be able to look at tomorrow and see it with light brown eyes of hope, rather than my dark brown eyes of despair*

I want to do a special shout out here to Always Allegoric, Anxious Elephant and Bourbon. Always Allegoric is the highest commenter on my blog and is such a wonderful person.  She is always so kind in her comments and I have no doubt she is a star in real life.  Anxious Elephant is just a doll and her ways just make me smile.  I particularly love how she names inanimate objects. I know a few people who do that (my ex named her television “Stevie the TV”, my chest hair “Boris” and my radiator also “Steve” as “I spend so much time against it when you squish me in bed, it felt rude for him not to have a name when we talk!!”).  I personally also talked to my car while driving telling her to behave and “that was a great gear change darling, so smooth, nice work, now mirror, signal and manoeuvre”.  Bourbon’s blog Crazy In The Coconut is amazing to me, as she has DID.  After reading about this I spend hours trawling the internet reading about it and the theory behind it.  It has become my current psychological thing I must read about.  I have a feeling it may be added to my list of things I love reading about.  (I should write a blog about that. That will be going on my list of blogs to write. I LIKE LISTS OK!!)

For today, it looks like it’s going to be a lovely day.  Peace out Internet, keep on smiling.  😀

*According to some people I have talked to my eye colour actually changes shade depending on my mood.  I never really believed it until more than one person actually said they saw it.  The light and the dark brown seem to correlate with the light and darker side of my personality.  I am not talking on a clinical level of having dual personalities here, just how the physical manifestations of different sides of my personality display themselves.

“Do you have any positions available?”

I lie in my bed with a vacant expression,

I wonder to myself “is this really depression?”

Feeling so sick that you don’t want to move,

Feeling like nothing in the world can help me soothe,

The sadness, the regret, the feelings of rejection

Why can I not be part of your selection?

Why will you not answer my methods of contact?

All I really want is a temporary contract.

I’ll go on probation and prove my value,

I’ll be so great you can’t chuck me, can you?

Oh you can. You have. I guess I’m back where I started,

My life seems like a train that’s never really departed.

Stuck at the station, everything checks out,

But it is still stuck, on that track of self-doubt.

My life with jobs is the same as my life with women,

I suck when I’m out of them, but I’m great when I’m in them.

Well that line made me laugh, unintentionally dirty,

I guess even like this I am a little flirty.

But flirty doesn’t pay, and I need cash on the table

So I guess I’ll try again,

“Do you have any positions available?”

What Goes Up…

Today feels like the downward part of the happiness spike I have been having lately.  Today I went to a local area I was convinced would have temp work for me available.  It would be in retail and nothing to do with my industry, but I need something right now.  So off I went and spent an hour and half walking around and talking to every shop owner and the building it is housed in, and from all of them I got 1 “maybe, give me your CV and I shall pass it on”. That was at a company which I wouldn’t mind working for, and I found amusing due to the fact as soon as I walked into the store, the woman behind the counter sized up my suit and looked straight at my tie.  Thankfully I was wearing a dark blue rough silk tie. If I had been wearing a skinny one or something outrageous I get the feeling I would have been brushed off, just like everywhere else.

I got one maybe, a large number of no’s and a couple of you need to look on the website.  After looking at the website they want management level staff, with experience, which I do not possess.  I considered posting a redacted version of my CV on here, but that seems like far too much effort.  I also considered posting a picture of myself on here so you can have a face to go with the ranty, whiney idiot you are currently reading about.

When I put on my suit this morning I instantly disliked how my head looked.  I looked really chubby and it made me feel like all my work at the gym and moderating my diet is doing bugger all now.  I got a 1 “maybe”  during job hunting and I got soaked walking home.  After browsing jobs there is nothing I can realistically do, but still applied to a few anyway.

Today I dislike my body, my work position, the fact I have seen things from people I do not want to see today, my nose, the lack of staples in my house, and my pathetic excuse for attempted happiness I have tried to put on my face this afternoon.  I really put a bright smile on and had boundless enthusiasm when asking, but as soon as I got home, wet and cold I knew things were turning.

It is just before 2pm now, I hope that things perk up for me, I had a crap 5 days, then 3 good days, maybe this is the start of another load of rubbish ones.