People

It is utterly amazing how some people can piss you off. Just their mere presence sets me off an I want to rip their heads off and spit down their windpipe.

Sometimes physical presence is not even required. A name is enough. You hear their name, memories come flashing back and you find your jaw clenched and your hands balled into fists, attempting to retain what little control you have left to stop yourself from making your anger audible.

In some cases a name is not even required. Allusions towards this person are quite enough for your eyes to narrow and your shoulders to square off like you are ready to go for someone.

It is amazing how people can  just set you off. It really is.

MMS

Super Saiyan

I think this picture is relatable to me because it speaks to me on several levels.

To start the slogan is a derivative of the original “Keep Calm and Carry On”. This slogan is used to describe the typical British mentality of just getting on with it even if the situation is not the best at that point in time. It could be seen as a dated, stereotypical view of the British, but I think it is still true within the majority of society. As a British male I identify with this idiom.

The image in the background is of Goku, one of the main characters in a anime called Dragonball Z. He is from a planet which no longer exists and is one of the last remaining members of his race which are called Saiyans. He has the ability to power up and go from being “normal” with black hair and brown eyes, to what is called a Super Saiyan, which have blonde hair and blue eyes. This power is unique to his people and makes them incredibly powerful. It could be argued that he is the most powerful fighter in the Dragonball universe, because naturally Saiyans are a warrior race, but he is up there as one of the most powerful in existence. He has saved the universe a few times, so that is nothing to be sniffed at.

I relate to the image as they push themselves so hard physically to become the best, but it is the emotional boundary which tips them to become great. Anger is a powerful motivator in the series for multiple characters to become Super, Ascended and SS3. (being a purist here and only using the forms drawn by the original artist and accepted by him). Anger at loss; anger at others beating you; anger at loved ones being hurt; these all come as motivators to push Goku and other Saiyans to transform and become even more powerful forms of themselves.

I adore this because anger is a great feeling. When you push yourself because you are angry it can have great results. Maybe not the most sensible, but great nonetheless. I relate because I can be an angry person, and also because this is one of my favourite shows growing up.

I wanted to sound intellectual, but that takes too much effort and I cannot write like that without thinking really hard and having patience. Hope you like the poster and the little post of how I relate.

If you read this drop a comment, I’m curious as to how many actually read my posts. Only about 3 people at a guess.

Pl&H

MMS

Seriously, Still?!

Seriously?! Seriously?! Am I that pathetic?!?!?

So a friend of mine called me up to chat, and she had done something and I being the person that I am did not judge her, but helped her talk about it and then she and I rambled for a bit.

Fast forward 15 minutes and while on facebook I see a friend of mine has liked a picture of my ex and commented on it.  Curiosity takes over and I have a little look.  She has deleted me off so there is not much that I can actually see, but what I can is a new picture of her looking lovely and happy and MY friends talking to her.

How the f*ck can I be like this nearly 2 years later?! Seriously?! I sound like Meredith from Grey’s right now but SERIOUSLY?! I can feel the anger bubbling up inside me now and with the sun shining and everything I should be happy, but I am bloody not right now.  I think I am more annoyed at the fact that my friends are still friends with her more than they are friends with me it feels.  I mean I met them first, I invited her to things with them, they are the guys who I hang out with from university whenever I can go back to visit and tell them to come up.  MY PEOPLES, why the hell are they being all nice to her.

The f*cking nerve.  I know I am being irrationally angry, I know I should really reel this s*it in, but I want to rage and let it out.  I am not happy right now, and that is annoying the hell out of me because until I saw that, I was very happy.

F*CK YOU F*CKFACE

Feeding The Anger; I Love Muse

Well that is an over exaggeration, but this song is fucking brilliant. The intro is one of my all time favourites, the album is one of my favourites and I adore this song. Makes the urge to break something only even more pronounced in me currently. Maybe listening to this was a bad idea….fuck it, I was already angry, might as well go and do some damage mentally as well as physically.

How Dare They

Today I was accused of stealing sales by someone I work with. I approached someone and didn’t know they were a couple. The person I work told me they were being served in a very rude manner and I said sorry and walked away.

Once the sale was finished (which was lost) I said to her I didn’t like the way she spoke to me and was accused of stealing sales. I am proud of the fact that I didn’t flip out immidately at that accusation, and then when notified that multiple people had spoken about it to this person and I had been seen doing it to others I was so restrained it was like I was tied up. I voiced how I am not like that, how I was offended that she would even accuse me of that, and mentioned what had occurred the day before when they had done this to me. To my surprise she deflected this and just went on at how if I wanted to take this further others would agree.

I was livid. I don’t steal sales, I don’t steal anything full stop. The accusations leveled against me offended me not only professionally but personally as they impuned my character. I was furious but I did not let it go. I asked as to why no one had said anything to me before this, as I have been here 6 months, and not one word has been said and the reply was not all people can talk to me. So now I am not only a theif and a bad person, but I am also unapproachable. Had that been told to me on the street or anywhere that was not my workplace I would have lost it. I kept calm, and we ended the argument with silence. I have never ever been so submissive in my entire life but in professional circumstances this was wrong. I didn’t bother to argue. I just internalised. I didn’t apologise.

We spent over an hour talking religion and politics and we didn’t fight. I bought 2 bars of chocolate for us to enjoy as it was quiet and we were bored. This is how it works, you’re nice and people turn on you? Well, I have to work with this person until I leave, even more so as multiple members of the “team” will be on holiday in the coming weeks. I will have to be courteous and polite. But that is really not how I feel at all. I am fuming. This person trained me, this person talks an awful lot about themselves and how rich they used to be. This person irked me a little but I could stand it professionally. But this is just not on. I suspect that she will be talking about this to another member of my “team” now that I am not longer there, and she will make out I am the bad person here.

I have a ball of something in my stomach. I can’t tell whether it is anger or I want to throw up. Either way, not good and I am not happy, but I have no choice once again but to just deal.

Rage

If an image could depict how I feel, this is it.

List Challenge Day 7 + 1: Things I Don’t Understand

This list should be a hell of a lot longer than 10 things. But for the sake of a list, alleviating boredom, consistency and my own ego I am keeping this list to just 10. Once more unto the breach dear friends.

1. Women.
2. Internal combustion engines.
3. My own emotional state.
4. Astrophysics.
5. American Football.
6. Racism.
7. How people can break promises/their word intentionally.
8. Why people like me.
9. The majority of political discussions.
10. Why I like fire.

Voila. Today can take a running jump off a very high cliff into jagged rocks. I’m still angry. I’ve eaten a kilo of chocolate because I was bored and had 2 arguments, both of which ended with me being wrong (which annoyed me even more). Screw today, I want a cupcake. Red velvet please. Actually make that a giant cupcake, or just a red velvet cake. Ta muchly.

MMS

Calming and Rethinking

Earlier today I wrote a very ranty post.  It is currently 00:26 and I am feeling much calmer.   After I managed to get out of the house I went on a 2 hour and some change walk, getting home around 1ish.  I took my backpack with me and filled it with weights so it was heavy.  I wanted this walk to make me sweat, to make me work and to make my legs and back hurt.  It succeeded, I had marks on my shoulders from the straps and my thighs were burning a little, not enough, but it would do.

By the end of the walked I had calmed from a 10/10 on the anger scale to an 8.  8 is manageable, but still not ideal.  8 I can work with and push down, which I did.  I was supposed to meet my friend at 6, but I was unsure about that at all because I didn’t want to be bad company and be all brooding and rubbish.  But I managed to suppress the anger a little further and thought about what I was angry about and why it was just so stupid.

I flared up at something I shouldn’t have.  In real terms it was a compounding of multiple factors, but as individual pieces, many of them were explainable and not justifiable for an angry response.  It was just me over-reacting.  It did not help that in 27 hours all I had eaten was 2 packets of crisps.  I need to sort my meal patterns out; I get really bad when I don’t eat regularly.

I walked to my friend’s house and we sat and watched the football and just chatted about bits and pieces.  He and his partner made enchiladas with rice which were absolutely delicious.  It felt kind of odd that my stomach felt so full even though I kind of liked the empty feeling.  I had intended to get pretty hammered with my friend, but a double neat and 3 double JD’s and cokes and I knew I needed to stop.  If I didn’t there was a distinct possibility that I would end up getting home with bloodied knuckles, and I didn’t want that to happen.

I am so grateful for my friend.  He is an awesome guy.  I am not sure how much his partner knows, but I assume the majority of what he knows, she does, with the exception of the darker secrets I have entrusted to him.  I had no justifiable reason to flare and rage, I just didn’t eat and a bunch of things all came together in my head and I blew.

I need to learn to control my anger better, and accept those things which are out of my control.  I need to be calmer like I was before, but not shut off my emotions like I had back then.  I need to find that happy medium, the balanced place in my head.  In a way I don’t want that angry side of me to disappear, because I know that if I got into a tight spot, that anger and unbridled rage may just save my life, but it needs to not be the go to or ruling emotion that I have.

Peace and love to you all, and especially to you Internet, you are such a good listener.

Angry Rant.

I cannot believe myself at times.  I seriously doubt how much control over myself I have.

Literally reading a Facebook status which contains two people’s names has set me off.  I can feel a twisted knot of anger in my stomach.  I can just feel that coursing of adrenaline through my bloodstream making me want to go and break something.  The messed up thing? It is because they are happy.  I am such a f***ed up individual.

I am sitting on my bed calm and collected and I am fine.  One status passes by, yeah no problem.   I second passes by and that is it, I am frigging annoyed.  I need someone to come back home so I can leave the house.  This is horse crap.  Seriously MMS, can you just not control your emotions?  You are going out tonight to see a friend, maybe it is better you get all this anger and frustration out, because if you don’t, there is a distinct possibility that you will blow after all the Jack Daniels you will be drinking tonight.

Oh and another bloody thing.  When I go out I tell whomever is in the house what time I will be back, but the last 3 times my stepdad has gone out he has said oh 20 or 40 minutes and has been 2 or 3 hours.  That annoys me.  I do not want to be alone for extended periods of time (I have not told him why) and he insists on being a douche and not telling me correct timings, especially as I am cooking dinner for the house and don’t want it to dry out or ruin.

AND another thing, I walked to the gym yesterday, found it is only being bloody refurbished and won’t be ready for another few days.  Do you know how angry that made me? I went to the gym yesterday morning to get some anger out and work off all the junk I have been eating because yesterday I looked in the mirror and absolutely hated everything about my body.  Now I cannot go to the gym, I cannot leave my house and I cannot relieve this anger.  I need to go out.  I need to either gym it up hard, which I cannot or walk for hours and hours at a fast pace.  I need to.

I have to get out but I can’t.  I feel like a caged animal.  It is maddening.

FINALLY permission granted.  I am going to pace like a mother trucker.  I cannot believe I am censoring myself on my own blog.  That is some stupidness right there.

Letting The Beast Out

**TRIGGER WARNING** Will be quite vivid in violent imagery and could be bad for people sensitive to that and with abuse issues.

It is 19:40 BST as I am writing this on my phone. I have just walked back into my house after a 2 and a half hour walk around my town and I am not a happy person right now.

I posted Burning Out earlier on today and I had basically not left my bed. I finished reading Issac Assimov’s “i,Robot” which is great. It got to 17:00 and I felt I needed to do something, perhaps a walk would help. So I got changed, laced up my boots and set out at 17:10, telling my dad that I’ll be back before 8, and if he needs me call.

Walking helped in the sense that it changed my mood. The down side is it changed it to anger. For those of my friends who know me, and for those who have been reading my blog a little while you will know I have an aggressive streak. I usually go to the gym, and in the past punched inanimate objects, but today I wanted to hurt someone. I didn’t for the record, but now I will tell you what was going through my mind.

I wanted to make someone suffer. I wanted to punch them in the face and fracture their cheek bone, then do so again and shatter their nose, making blood pour out. I wanted to repeatedly punch that person in the mouth until teeth came dislodged and blood swirled around their mouth, filling it with that metallic tang. I wanted the person to drop to their knees, yet I still pummelled their face, ignoring the searing pain in both of my hands.

Next I wanted to tie them to a crucifix and start working the body. Kidney shots, gut shots and especially rib shots. I wanted to fracture and break bones. I wanted to hear the screams of pain as they suffered. I didn’t want them unconscious, I wanted them awake to feel every second of it. I wanted to take all the pain I have inside me, all the anguish, the fear, the disappointment, the rage, the desolation and the abandonment and wanted to make it tangible. I wanted to make that pain tangible in the person. I wanted my pain to be manifest.

I wanted to stamp on the side on the knees, dislodging the kneecap, then stamp through the knee, shattering the joint. I wanted to do this on both legs then stamp repeatedly on their feet, breaking as many bones as possible. I wanted pain and blood and I wanted utter uncontrolled violence. I wanted to let the merciless, unhinged madman locked in me to come out and break someone, to make them feel what I feel in the hope it will transfer it and I won’t have to feel it any more.

To those still reading that are not either completely disgusted or completely changed in their view of me this is a rough idea of what was in my head. I haven’t gone into complete detail as it could take around 1000 words, and no one wants to read that. It isn’t pretty, it isn’t nice and it isn’t who I really am. It is a side of me which I rarely indulge, but lately my anger has been welling inside me at the situations I have been put in within my life, so it has been in the fore of my mind more.

I’d like to think I am a kind, caring, generous and gentlemanly individual who is courteous and polite, but there is another side, the darker side which you can see part of here today.

If this scares away people I guess that is how things are meant to be. I hope I didn’t offend anyone, and I truly hope I didn’t trigger any flashbacks in anyone, but I had to get this out. I had to.