Another Tough Day

TW: Suicide, Self Harm, vomiting.

Today has been a tough day for me, but let me go back to Friday first before I get to today.

Friday afternoon I went with mum and dad (step) to go and get a CT scan.  While there my dad had an X-ray on his knee (he needed one anyway and they said drop in when you are free for this).  The reason for my mums CT scan was a shadow across her chest which came up in another scan.  They have more or less written off Lung Cancer (thankfully) but it was a nervous time for us all, especially so close to Christmas time.

After the scan I went home and got ready to my work Christmas Do.  This had been weeks in planning by the work teams, but I was not going to go.  It was only 48 hours before that I ended up being convinced to go, after a few people dropping out and several people haranguing me to do so.   I met my colleagues at the pub, had a few drinks beforehand with them, and then we went onto the venue, where the company card was behind the bar and even more drinks were had.

All said, I left at around quarter past midnight, well socially lubricated, having danced most of the night and had a great time all in all.  I got home by Uber, and was only sick once from all the Jack and Coke I had, the acid was brutal though.

That same day (Friday) I also found out that my colleagues sister had tried to kill herself.  She had taken medication, slashed her wrists and was found somewhere by a stranger who took her to hospital.  The same girl also has recently found out that her fathers new partner (to be wife) has skin cancer and had to have a large portion of her leg removed.  She told me these things and I tried to support her and talk to her where I can, but I know that she has a strong support structure to help her out when she needs it.

Back to Saturday I did not do very much at the weekend, being that I was hungover and in truth I like to not do much on the weekends because I work all the time during the week and want to relax.  Which is a nice transition into today.

Today I got back to work and found out that while I was off “Bombshell Friday” had struck again.  Fridays are the day where something comes out where there is a problem and there is a scrabble to try and resolve it, but more often than not it can’t be done immediately and so there is a chaotic start to the week which can potentially drag on weeks or months depending on the issue.  Guess what, this time it was my fault.

I made a mistake, the mistake came back to bite me, and now I had to work to resolve it.  Unfortunately this mistake is on a project that I have made mistakes on previously, which only fed into making me feel worse about the issue.  I have spent the whole day trying to fix the issue, and speaking to the relevant internal teams and externally affected individuals to get things back on track.  It is not a one day fix, but it has ended up consuming my time, on something I am a little lost in trying to resolve and struggling with.

That word, struggling, is basically what is I feel at work.  I speak for myself here, but I know that the other people on my team feel it, but we are all trying to balance too many jobs.  I feel I am doing this the worst out of everyone as I keep having to resolve issues and fix things as part of the work I am doing, and they should have been spotted a long time ago but weren’t.  Before you ask who should have spotted them, I should have.

I spoke to one of my colleagues about the fact I am going to call a meeting with my manager, because I am doing too much.  Last year I had one job, and one job only at this time of year.  This year I am trying to juggle 3 and smattering of smaller jobs.  I feel like I have too much work to do, and because of this I am letting things slip.  Too many jobs means I am making mistakes in all three of them, and there is just too much for me to handle in one go.  When discussing how many issues we should be dealing with at a time, it was mentioned in someones previous job they handled 2 each maximum.  My team is 4FT and 1 PT, and we currently dealing with 76.  That is just not OK.

Work is really dragging me down mentally, because I don’t stop thinking about it.  I think about it when I wake up, I dream about it, I am even writing about it now (for good reason, I can justify this).  I work 8-6 Monday to Friday, but this has been known to be until 7 and come in at the weekend, pushing my hours to high 40s or 50s at bad times.  Now for some, that is not a big deal; your doctors and lawyers and nurses of the world, but for someone paid my level, this is not great.  I am working those hours to try and get everything done, and then it turns out that I still cant.  Between April and the end of November this year it worked out that I have done 270 hours of overtime that I billed for.  That works out at 38.5 hours per month, which to me doesnt seem so terrible, but it kinda is.  Every month I work the equivalent of 1 FT employee for a week (standard contract is 35 hours PW).

I am struggling to keep up with all of this, and it is making me more and more stressed.  Add on top my friends who I am helping out (the one above, another was at a funeral today who I was trying to support, my family, and the whole real dad and his partner situation which I don’t know if I have talked about) and I am feeling like there is just too much going on.

Circling back, I wanted to tell my manager that I would like to have some of the work taken off my plate, because I am struggling to cope with all of it.  I even wanted to tell him to take away the promotion that I have had, because if I am a lower level, then they can’t make me do the things that they are asking at the moment.  I ran this past my colleague and he agreed that we all do too much, but that I shouldn’t give the company the opportunity to pay me less.  The work would still be the same, and in his opinion (he has 8 years experience on me) the work we are doing alot of the time should not be signed off by someone of our level, but rather someone one or two levels above us.

Why don’t I change position?  I have thought about it and looked and applied in some cases, but in truth every specification I read I don’t feel I even come close to being able to do the things they say.  Christ, I read my own job specification online and feel like I can’t do the things on that.  A friend on another team has suggested I go for a junior coding position on her team and has put my name forward for the potential role (depending on the budget) next year, but even that I feel I will be bad at.

I know I have problems with feeling inadequate (Insert Coach Carter Speech here (which is amazing by the way)), but I just feel confused and not good enough and like every single day I am just battling to keep my head afloat at work.  Today was an 8-6 and quite frankly I am sure that tomorrow will be the same and it is Christmas Eve.

If I didn’t need the money so badly I would take a job where I could just turn off and have minimum responsibilities.  That would be the dream right now, but the reality is I have to have money to help my family, to try and move out of my parents home and to try and make something of myself.  I am 30 years old, I should not be living here, but that’s a whole other rant which ends up in another hole altogether.

It has been a long time since I wrote this much in one post, or even in one go at all.  This is really going back to the streams of consciousness recollection that this blog was founded on over 5 years ago, and I have just broken 1500 words to get to this point.  In truth, the people who used to read this years ago no longer do, and anyone who stumbles across this now will view this as a dated form of expression in a world of YouTube and short form, fast consumption content.  I just find this cathartic and getting this out of my head will hopefully make it easier to process and hopefully mean I can sleep and tackle tomorrow in a healthier and more balanced way.

I hope that I do not fall into the “likes and views are verification of my self worth” hole that I used to have, because I do know I do that sometimes, checking my stats.  Truthfully, if I have more than 2 views a day I think I am doing amazingly.  I think I got one of those notifications that my blog was “on fire” when it hit 30 in a day.  How pathetic really, but if anyone has ready this far (highly doubtful) then I commend you on reading the ramblings of an idiot like me.

I think it is time for me to stop now and watch some Brooklyn 99 or something light hearted to keep me distracted and away from sliding further down.  I think carrying on with The Witcher (which is brilliant so far) would be bad because it has some darker themes.  Same applies to most of the shows I would like to watch now, so I will stick to this for now and see how I feel.

To anyone who has read this far, thank you.  For Netty, thank you once again for being a chronicle of my mental state, for listening to my ramblings and for continuing to be a source of knowledge, pain and growth.

PL&H

MMS

Eternity Ring Vent

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eternity_ring

This is a link to the wiki page on eternity rings.  Talk of them came up at the pub today.  My friend suggested we meet up tonight, just as I was about to suggest the same.  I said to him though I would prefer if a) we did not have a messy one and b) if it was just us, and not his fiancee.

He agreed to this and we had a meal at the pub and a couple of drinks this evening.  It was fantastic to catch up with him and talk about what has been bugging both of us lately.  His brother is way more fun on a night out, but heart to hearts and when we both need to talk, he is unbeaten.  Later in the evening he got a call from his lady, asking if her and her friend could come and meet us.  We had basically wrapped up the deep parts which we both needed to get out, so we said sure.  I wasn’t 100% happy about it, but I couldn’t say no really.

She arrived and we said hello and gave them a hug and a kiss.  Conversation was ok, and I wound up the friend because she kept texting.  This really bugs me as she was with three other people and yet on her phone.  So I destroyed her and she got really embarassed, to the point she asked permission when her phone went off if she could read it. I said no until it had been a while, then said yes.  This isn’t the first time either with her, but she is in a weird relationship which I do not want to get into because that will annoy me further.

Talk of the rings came up and we discussed they have picked their wedding bands.  She then went on to demand that she gets an eternity ring when their first child is born.  I looked at my friend and he looked at me.  I argued with her about this, but in a logical method about why it is necessary.  Her response was that it was tradition, to which I listed off multiple ways she has broken that, including the fact she has 9 diamonds embedded in her wedding ring.  My friend made the best argument which was

“Would you rather have a ring, or use that money towards the future of our child looking after them and helping them have a better life as they grow up?”

You would think she said kid right? Wrong.  He and I are from similar financial backgrounds, and combined with the conversation I had today that I will have to be giving my parents even more money to help them through their financial struggle again this month, she did not was to have this argument with me.  I laughed it all off in the end and said well I hope you have a prenup, because if she is threatening not to marry you if you don’t buy an eternity ring for her, then best of luck mate.

The simply brattish behaviour she displayed there made me disgusted quite frankly, but I did not want to lose my cool and go off on one.  Moments like that you can see the very different ways we were brought up, and the lifestyle that she expects.  It has been a hard day, but it is only going to get harder throughout the week.  I have responsibility piling on me again at home, and more coming on at work.  I have a few emotional issues I need to deal with as well, hence why I am turning to my blog again to vent and get it out.

I hope this helps, I really do.  I thought I was making some real progress in my stability and logical thinking again, but moments like this bring me down and make me think am I actually moving forward or am I still where I was when I was 16.

MMS

It’s Been A Few Days…

A little update on my life as it has been a few days since we last talked Netty.

Yesterday was super stressful.  At work within 5 minutes of walking in I got a call to tell me that one of the girls in another store had been in a collision and had been taken to hospital.  Their store would need cover.  I had organised it all, but I needed approvzl as though I am one of the most capable in store, I am not a manager so I cannot authorise it.

I noticed the girl I was working with was walking funny, spaced out and in pain.  I asked her if she was ok, if she needed anything.  She said no, she was just a little ill, nothing major, so I let it slide.  I went downstairs to do some work and 10 minutes later I get a call, she is feeling dizzy and faint.  I rush back upstairs and get her to sit down out back while I do all the work.  It turns out two days ago she had smacked her head and had been feeling off for the last few days.  She ran off her list of issues and it screamed concussion to me.  I grabbed the RAF guy from next door who is a trained medic to have a look at her without telling him anything I knew. He told me she was concussed and needed to go home.  I agreed but could not send her yet and she was flat out refusing to go and leave me in on my own so I told her stay out back and rest, I will call someone and sort it out.  I did and I sent her home, but it meant me running the store on my own for 2 hours.  Hard work and lost a few sales because of it, but it was doable.

Yesterday I also ended up pulling a 12 hr shift to help out, 3 hours more than I was supposed to be there as they needed the help as today is the start of sale.  They needed it bigtime or they would have been in store until gone midnight and that is just not cool.  I hope today when I walk in it will be less stressed and more sales based rather than store drama.  I was in a dark mood all day so I had to put on big smiles for some people, but the RAF guy knew I was seriously struggling.  He offered help but I rejected it.  Some things you just need to deal with alone.

The day before that I spent the day with my brother.  I went in for a management meeting (even though I an not management) for 90 minutes which was productive.  I took my brother and the RAF guy to go see a film which was fun, and the brother and I also went shopping and got a Nando’s.  It was great to spend time with him and relax, we never get a chance to with school and work clashing.  He will be leaving school soon and doing a gap year before going to university.  Problem is he hasn’t told our parents he is taking one.  That is going to be an interesting conversation.

The day before that I was working and The Marine and The RAF Guy were on as well next door, but they were both in a bad way.  Personal issues combined with work ones had reached a head and they were both ready to do some very dangerous things.  I was concerned but they both talked to me, and they both displayed enough control to not go nuclear, so I left them to it.  I offered them another night out, just sit and do nothing, or go for a walk or something to help, but they both declined.  As it turned out, they went out with two girls in another shop we are friend with, but both happen to be their love interests, even though both the women are in relationships.  They are both very interested in them, and I know this because they talk to me and have said things.  Both of them I have written about on here, being the engaged girl and the one who I couldn’t work out what interested me about her, but then it clicked.

I will admit I was a little put out by this one, I felt a little rejected, but they needed to hash things out too, so I was not so much pushed aside as I was just not there for this one.  I make myself sound like such a nosey person.

I met up with my FWB as well in this time.  I found out she had been Roofied one night and when I saw her at work she had the shakes and was in a bad way.  I talked to who she was on with, The Marine, and he was in agreement she was in no state to be there.  He ended up doing 19 hours at work, while I walked her to her dads car and made sure she got home ok.  I helped the Marine out as much as I could being next door, and they managed to call someone in, but there was only so much I can do.  It was a roller coaster of a day over there.

There was an awkward moment with the FWB and my parents, but I will write about that another time.

Peace for now Netty

MMS

 

Baby

Today I just read that a woman I dated a while ago has just had her first child last night.  Her daughter is absolutely beautiful and the name is really wonderful as well.

I am really happy for her as we have spoken sporadically since we parted ways, but most recently was a few days ago when I wrote this post about another woman.  I spoke to her as she was the first one to really get under my skin and mess with me.  Having not seen her in a year or so I was distanced from the whole thing, but seeing this has brought a whole host of emotions bubbling up.

I am so happy for her and her partner having this little bundle of joy enter their lives.  If they were not already completely in love and devoted to each other, this would only bring them even closer together.

I feel idiotic as she is doing this and the whole making her house a home thing and last night I was at my friends dads 55th birthday playing beer pong and watching the boxing match.  I am looking to move out with the RAF guy quite soon, so this is me moving forward as well.

I feel a little pang of jealousy that they are doing this and it is not me with her, which is silly as it has been a very long time, but as I said, she really did have a massive impact upon me and my view of the world now.  Even on this blog and whom I follow and talk to, it has had an impact upon that.

I am running on about 5 hours sleep in the last two days so that is probably not helping my clarity at all, but I would say all in all I am in a good place right now with my head, so choo choo, MMS is moving forward.

MMS

 

Heart Palpitations and Stuff

At work on Thursday I had a heart palpitation.  It was brutal.  They normally last maximum 2 minutes and I am fine, but this one was closer to 10 minutes.  I have written what it feels like in a post called palpitations if you want to read it.  I would link it, but reading it brought back some memories of people I don’t feel like thinking about.  Having palpitations again really threw me, and my boss sent me home.  He has never seen me go down like that.  I have been to the gym and been starting to try and eat better now.  I need a more regular regime for gymming.

—//—

I am hoping to go away with The Marine and The RAF guy some time in July.  I am apprehensive about this because I know they both are grieving, but this would be one hell of an experience for me.  They are both really good guys, that much is for certain.  Today I saw The Marine at work so I went over to the door and put a massive kiss on the window.  He burst out laughing and said I better clean that.  I texted The RAF guy this morning to check in on him, he is doing ok, and we are going to try and meet up for a drink some time soon.

—//—

I feel I am too immature for my age.  I mean my circle of friends at home are all mature with their lives in order.  Some have homes of their own, some have kids, some are engaged.  All seem to have their lives together and progressing.  When I go out with them they are going home before midnight because they are tired.   More often than not I end up saying see you later and going and seeing other people, people who are younger than me ( by a few years so not major, but still I feel older around them, but that might be because they are an established group).  They go out, they get drunk, they party.  I may not be one of them, but they always have a good time and tolerate my tagging along, I think because I can be kind of crazy.  I feel a little behind on my maturity.  Problem is I was a head of the game in those respects growing up with my family, and now it feels like everyone else has caught up with me and surpassed.  I even feel this blog is immature at times.

—//—

Being empathetic person is a real pain.  People talk to me about their issues and I listen and talk back when appropriate.  The problem is I feel it.  It is not that I sympathise, I empathise.  It is irritating as some of the time they are dealing with things which I have not experienced myself, yet I feel I understand their pain.  Obviously I do not say that, because it is crass and idiotic to do so, but it certainly feels like it on the inside.  I am such a screwed up individual.

PL&H (have not written that in a very long time)

MMS

Work N Ting

So I have pulled over 50 hours this week and I am cream crackered.  I would be working tomorrow but it turns out I have been rota’d in a day off to help compensate for all the hours I have been putting in extra over my normal 40 in recent weeks.  How very nice of them!

I have been spending time with one of the guys at work in the other store which has been nice.  We used to work together quite a lot but with me in another one we do not spend so much time together.  I was with him for the stock count though mentioned in this post.  We have in recent times gone out drinking together and having a laugh which is good, mentioned in this post.  We work well together because all three managers know, we have a laugh and have fun, but the work is guaranteed to be done.

Today I worked with a new guy who was inexperienced and shy.  As bad as it was, I didn’t really have the time with him I would normally use to train him properly because I had so much to do and so little time.  I was a seriously stressy bastard and I delegated to him so he did some work, but he is seriously slow.  Also, do not call a customer “mate”.  That is just not on.  Took a good amount and managed to do some stuff which was good at least.  Had to stay later again as we had an engineer come in to fix some stuff.  Nice warning they gave me there of NONE WHATSOEVER.  Lucky I am a nice guy really.

I got a phone call from PR girl while at work.  She had called me while I was speaking to some people and I had to subtly hide my buzzing pocket.  When she called me around 5:30 I had a quick chat and she boosted my mood.  I said to her

“You know one of the reasons I enjoy talking to you? You laugh at everything I say.  Genuinely no one else I know giggles as much as you do when I crack rubbish jokes or tell stories.  You are my own little 4 foot 10 bottle of happiness.  Even if you give me severe headaches with all your drama sometimes, you are a little doll Teacup”

I nicknamed her Teacup because we were once discussing she has a chip on her shoulder, which reminded me of Chip from Beauty and the Beast, who is totally adorable and a teacup, and so the nickname Teacup was born.

Chip the Teacup with his Mum

Day off tomorrow will probably consist of me going into town to get my nipple piercing checked over to see how it is healing, going to the gym and maybe even doing some cleaning/writing.  Hope you are doing ok Netty.  Any more updates I will be sure to let you know.

MMS

Having A Moment – Weekend Back At Uni 1

I am probably going to write a few of these hence why this is number 1.

Saturday night and we had just gone out for dinner with a whole bunch of people.  Some I knew, some I did not, but all were nice and we had plenty of conversation.  After a fantastic meal we went to a pub I have not set foot in in at least 5-6 years and it was still exactly the same as I remember.  Plan was for a few of us to hit the university night club, but as we were walking away I may have been dressed for the occasion, but I didn’t really fancy it.  I had been promised that there would be a few girls there who may catch my interest, as well as my friends girlfriend telling me she would talk me up.  I just wanted to chill with my guys.

So we went back to the house we were staying at and busted out the alcohol.  We had had Japanese for dinner, so I had prepared and got a bottle of Sake and a bottle of Plum Wine.  We split this between a few of us and drank and hung out.  One of the guys played Dark Souls II while three of us watched and chatted with him.  Two others played on hand held consoles in a linked game.

Yes, we are nerds.  Yes, I am no where near remotely cool.  Yes, that is fun for me.

The moment that I am talking about in my title is that I sat down on the couch where one of the guys was partially laying down.  He shuffled a bit to accommodate me and not take up so much space so I told him not to worry and just moved stuff so he ended up with his head and back resting against me propped up while I sat there.  I stretched my arms out to be more comfortable, but as I leaned for a better view of the gaming session so I could mock his idiotic moves my arm fell and was resting on him.  I said sorry but he said it was cool and just to leave it there.

It was simple human contact, that was it.  We drank more and finished off the bottles of alcohol.  By about 2am my arm had gone from resting on him to him basically snuggled up to me and my arm curved round his chest, with him holding it there.  I wasn’t sure how to feel about that whole situation, because I have never really snuggled with a dude before like that.  He was very comfortable with it all and said my beard was tickling him but he liked it.

Kind of like this but with pillows instead of his stomach

Yes, this does sound a little gay, and I am not gay, but the guy I was with is very much so.  I had no qualms with this whole thing because it was just nice, as well as very comfortable for me.  There was no tension or anything like that at all.  Earlier on we had been discussing about how he would like to bring a shocking guy home to his devout Christian parents to shock them.  He listed the traits required and I laughed because I was 5 of the 6 criteria.  He wasn’t hitting on me as he didn’t know I had had a piercing, or that I have ink, but it was still funny.

The point of this whole post is that a little human contact is really quite nice, and it doesn’t always have to have sexual overtones.  It can just be friendly and enjoyable.  Looks like I have learnt something new.

MMS

Theoretical Fatherhood and Being a Dick

Overprotective dad, Game of Thrones style?

Pretty certain my reaction would be the same.  If I am ever fortunate enough to have children, I am going to be the most horrible father imaginable.  Fact.  This or Mike Lowrey in Bad Boys 2; The Godfather role.  I have already been compared to him enough times throughout my life even if I am not tall, ripped, rich, good looking or a womaniser (and I have had Britney Spears Womaniser dedicated to me too, not sure why either?).  Still, I am a good friend and down when people need me.

Last night my friend called me.  I had been sleeping at the time.  She has been calling me the last few weeks and I have never been able to pick up her calls.  The girl is awesome, but with working and time constraints mixed in with my shifts I just haven’t had the opportunity to sit down and talk to her.  She sent me a text message shortly after.

“I need you x”

So guess who was on the phone for 2 hours helping her out.  Yep, this guy.  Then I got told she would be thoroughly disappointed if I did something which I am no longer considering.  Being an arse-hole seems to get you further than being nice, so I might give that a try.  Who knows, it might just suit me.  One way to find out.  I am already prone to being assertive, so I will just stop being polite in my assertive manner.  One of the higher ups saw me act tersely with a customer when she started asking prices before I had scanned the products.  OK, I had already worked out how much it would be in my head roughly, but I was not going to give her that.  So I slowed down and purposely took longer.  She still spent £350 so I didn’t care, but that was the first time that she had ever seen me less than my bouncy happy work self, apart from December where I was so tired I could barely function, but I still worked.

Well that was a fun story time children, now for me to shower and get ready to work.  2 month old beard in 1 more day.  I look rather dodgy with it, but it is like a comfort blanket I can hide behind.  I do not look terrible with it, however I do find it relaxing to play with/stroke and some people think it suits me.  Some however think I look “Way hotter” and “so much sexier” without it.  Not sure.

MMS

Not A Good Day

The day started badly with the walk to the train station drenching me.  My trousers, shoes and hair were soaked, so took off my jumper and used that to towel dry my hair.  My colleague arrived just in time for work which stressed me out that she ran so close to time, and then the day started to get better.

I had this beautiful Spanish woman come in, mid to late 30’s, long dark hair, eyes you wanted to fall into and just the poutiest lips imaginable.  I won’t start on her figure or what her mama gave her.  I got a great sale, a little flirting and great deal of happiness from talking to her; she just had this great aura and it rubbed off on me.

Things we ok, then delivery came.  I had to sort it out (this is normal), but it was huge.  So I mentally braced myself, plugged in my headphones and got down to it.  Then I had to stop within minutes of starting.  My colleague is pregnant and needed to use the toilet, so I had to stay on the floor.  You don’t say no to a pregnant woman, ever.  Plus she is the deputy so it would be stupid to.

Eventually I managed to do about 1/3 of the work and get it sorted, then one of the girls offered to help me near the end of my shift.  I only took a 20 minute break as I knew I would have too much to do, and so came back early because what I don’t do today will be work to do tomorrow.  about 50 minutes left on my shift and one of the girls offers to help me with the delivery.  She is good so I say yes, and we go downstairs and start blitzing it.  We are over 200 units in when something clicks.  The boxes were mixed.  Two consignments were together and so this would mess the stock system up.  It ended up that I had to go through and manually check everything off rather than using the scanner.

I ended up staying an hour later to try and fix some of this mess, and in the end the pregnant deputy had already left and the other girl told me to go home.  She said she would do it and I should go as I am early again tomorrow and Sunday so it will be wise for me to get some sleep.  So I left after making sure she was not alone in the area and went to get my trains.

Now for those who don’t know the UK has been hit with torrential rain, much like the stereotype that projected of English weather.  This torrential rain had caught me in the morning, had been on and off all night and the ten hours I had been at work had not stopped.  Guess what that had lead to? That’s right, flooding on the train, and all of the local area I live in.  Trains were fucked, roads were fucked, people were fucked.

After that monumentally shit day at work, to find I had to wait over an hour to take a 4 minute train is an absolute fucking joke.  This country is known to flood, known for its’ rain and known for years that this happens, because it happens every fucking year.  EVERY FUCKING YEAR.  I was livid by the time I got home.

I came in and said to my mother and stepfather “basically I have had the crappiest day at this job, I am angry and I am going to my room.  I am going to quarantine myself before I say or do something incredibly stupid.  Please just leave me in there”

About an hour ago (4 hours or so after I had left) they called me.  Another delivery has shown up for me to do in the morning.  Joyous

There were questions I didn’t answer, I have just stayed in here.  I considered posting then, but I was shaking.  So I let the anger pass and what has been left? Feeling helpless and just shit.  Because tomorrow I have to sort out this mess.  About an hour ago (4 hours or so after I had left) they called me.  Another delivery has shown up for me to do in the morning.  Joyous.  So more for me.  I am drowning (physically and metaphorically).

Oh and this bitch, this chick who I was tight with for 8 years and then basically blew me off when she got a boyfriend so I cut her out about 9 months ago goes and likes my status on Facebook.  About 2 months ago she made her profile limited so I can’t see more than her profile pictures, and she goes and likes my status to try and initiate some sort of contact.  When she texted me in December I was cordial but cold.  She said “I miss you” and I did not acknowledge it.  Bitch dropped me like a used tissue, so she can go fuck herself.  Made my day worse, these trivial games one plays.

Tomorrow holds more of the same.  But with no mid, and I am with the ditsiest girl I know.  If I don’t throttle her I will deserve a medal.  Oh and one of the other girls noted that I was annoyed and mentioned it, even though she knew the madness that was going on, and proceeded to ask me stupid questions, including asking me if her questions were stupid.  I normally am nice, but today I told her her questions were completely asinine and she needed to work it out rather than ask me.  Oh and your hair looks stupid today.  I think she was so taken aback at me not being me she nearly fell over.

Well that was a stream and a half.  It has now just gone 8pm, time for me to sleep so I can get up before dawn to go to work.  Go Team.  Team MMS is a fucking irrational idiot.

MMS

Oh I forgot, I also now haven’t kept up my list challenge.  Seems pointless now that I won’t be doing it today.  Another failure to add to the ever growing list of an accounting and finance graduate doing a job someone with A levels.  Or even less.