Another Tough Day

TW: Suicide, Self Harm, vomiting.

Today has been a tough day for me, but let me go back to Friday first before I get to today.

Friday afternoon I went with mum and dad (step) to go and get a CT scan.  While there my dad had an X-ray on his knee (he needed one anyway and they said drop in when you are free for this).  The reason for my mums CT scan was a shadow across her chest which came up in another scan.  They have more or less written off Lung Cancer (thankfully) but it was a nervous time for us all, especially so close to Christmas time.

After the scan I went home and got ready to my work Christmas Do.  This had been weeks in planning by the work teams, but I was not going to go.  It was only 48 hours before that I ended up being convinced to go, after a few people dropping out and several people haranguing me to do so.   I met my colleagues at the pub, had a few drinks beforehand with them, and then we went onto the venue, where the company card was behind the bar and even more drinks were had.

All said, I left at around quarter past midnight, well socially lubricated, having danced most of the night and had a great time all in all.  I got home by Uber, and was only sick once from all the Jack and Coke I had, the acid was brutal though.

That same day (Friday) I also found out that my colleagues sister had tried to kill herself.  She had taken medication, slashed her wrists and was found somewhere by a stranger who took her to hospital.  The same girl also has recently found out that her fathers new partner (to be wife) has skin cancer and had to have a large portion of her leg removed.  She told me these things and I tried to support her and talk to her where I can, but I know that she has a strong support structure to help her out when she needs it.

Back to Saturday I did not do very much at the weekend, being that I was hungover and in truth I like to not do much on the weekends because I work all the time during the week and want to relax.  Which is a nice transition into today.

Today I got back to work and found out that while I was off “Bombshell Friday” had struck again.  Fridays are the day where something comes out where there is a problem and there is a scrabble to try and resolve it, but more often than not it can’t be done immediately and so there is a chaotic start to the week which can potentially drag on weeks or months depending on the issue.  Guess what, this time it was my fault.

I made a mistake, the mistake came back to bite me, and now I had to work to resolve it.  Unfortunately this mistake is on a project that I have made mistakes on previously, which only fed into making me feel worse about the issue.  I have spent the whole day trying to fix the issue, and speaking to the relevant internal teams and externally affected individuals to get things back on track.  It is not a one day fix, but it has ended up consuming my time, on something I am a little lost in trying to resolve and struggling with.

That word, struggling, is basically what is I feel at work.  I speak for myself here, but I know that the other people on my team feel it, but we are all trying to balance too many jobs.  I feel I am doing this the worst out of everyone as I keep having to resolve issues and fix things as part of the work I am doing, and they should have been spotted a long time ago but weren’t.  Before you ask who should have spotted them, I should have.

I spoke to one of my colleagues about the fact I am going to call a meeting with my manager, because I am doing too much.  Last year I had one job, and one job only at this time of year.  This year I am trying to juggle 3 and smattering of smaller jobs.  I feel like I have too much work to do, and because of this I am letting things slip.  Too many jobs means I am making mistakes in all three of them, and there is just too much for me to handle in one go.  When discussing how many issues we should be dealing with at a time, it was mentioned in someones previous job they handled 2 each maximum.  My team is 4FT and 1 PT, and we currently dealing with 76.  That is just not OK.

Work is really dragging me down mentally, because I don’t stop thinking about it.  I think about it when I wake up, I dream about it, I am even writing about it now (for good reason, I can justify this).  I work 8-6 Monday to Friday, but this has been known to be until 7 and come in at the weekend, pushing my hours to high 40s or 50s at bad times.  Now for some, that is not a big deal; your doctors and lawyers and nurses of the world, but for someone paid my level, this is not great.  I am working those hours to try and get everything done, and then it turns out that I still cant.  Between April and the end of November this year it worked out that I have done 270 hours of overtime that I billed for.  That works out at 38.5 hours per month, which to me doesnt seem so terrible, but it kinda is.  Every month I work the equivalent of 1 FT employee for a week (standard contract is 35 hours PW).

I am struggling to keep up with all of this, and it is making me more and more stressed.  Add on top my friends who I am helping out (the one above, another was at a funeral today who I was trying to support, my family, and the whole real dad and his partner situation which I don’t know if I have talked about) and I am feeling like there is just too much going on.

Circling back, I wanted to tell my manager that I would like to have some of the work taken off my plate, because I am struggling to cope with all of it.  I even wanted to tell him to take away the promotion that I have had, because if I am a lower level, then they can’t make me do the things that they are asking at the moment.  I ran this past my colleague and he agreed that we all do too much, but that I shouldn’t give the company the opportunity to pay me less.  The work would still be the same, and in his opinion (he has 8 years experience on me) the work we are doing alot of the time should not be signed off by someone of our level, but rather someone one or two levels above us.

Why don’t I change position?  I have thought about it and looked and applied in some cases, but in truth every specification I read I don’t feel I even come close to being able to do the things they say.  Christ, I read my own job specification online and feel like I can’t do the things on that.  A friend on another team has suggested I go for a junior coding position on her team and has put my name forward for the potential role (depending on the budget) next year, but even that I feel I will be bad at.

I know I have problems with feeling inadequate (Insert Coach Carter Speech here (which is amazing by the way)), but I just feel confused and not good enough and like every single day I am just battling to keep my head afloat at work.  Today was an 8-6 and quite frankly I am sure that tomorrow will be the same and it is Christmas Eve.

If I didn’t need the money so badly I would take a job where I could just turn off and have minimum responsibilities.  That would be the dream right now, but the reality is I have to have money to help my family, to try and move out of my parents home and to try and make something of myself.  I am 30 years old, I should not be living here, but that’s a whole other rant which ends up in another hole altogether.

It has been a long time since I wrote this much in one post, or even in one go at all.  This is really going back to the streams of consciousness recollection that this blog was founded on over 5 years ago, and I have just broken 1500 words to get to this point.  In truth, the people who used to read this years ago no longer do, and anyone who stumbles across this now will view this as a dated form of expression in a world of YouTube and short form, fast consumption content.  I just find this cathartic and getting this out of my head will hopefully make it easier to process and hopefully mean I can sleep and tackle tomorrow in a healthier and more balanced way.

I hope that I do not fall into the “likes and views are verification of my self worth” hole that I used to have, because I do know I do that sometimes, checking my stats.  Truthfully, if I have more than 2 views a day I think I am doing amazingly.  I think I got one of those notifications that my blog was “on fire” when it hit 30 in a day.  How pathetic really, but if anyone has ready this far (highly doubtful) then I commend you on reading the ramblings of an idiot like me.

I think it is time for me to stop now and watch some Brooklyn 99 or something light hearted to keep me distracted and away from sliding further down.  I think carrying on with The Witcher (which is brilliant so far) would be bad because it has some darker themes.  Same applies to most of the shows I would like to watch now, so I will stick to this for now and see how I feel.

To anyone who has read this far, thank you.  For Netty, thank you once again for being a chronicle of my mental state, for listening to my ramblings and for continuing to be a source of knowledge, pain and growth.

PL&H

MMS

Girls Liking Dickheads

This evening I recieved an impromptu invitation to go out for a drink with my girlfriend and her two best friends (one male, one female FYI).  I said sure, why not and met up with them.  We sat in a pub and all had non alcoholic drinks as three of us had work in the morning and the other girl had to drive.

The drinks were a little jilted and I played two truths and a lie with the other girl, while conversations were held by the others and by different groups.  It was an alright night, but it is what happened as we were walking away to end our evening which annoyed me.

So The Lady and I were walking together as she was getting a lift home and we walk past a club where she points out the guy her best friend is sleeping with.  His baseball cap wearing, do-rag sporting, big chain wearing ugly self did not impress me at all.  What impressed me less is he is early to mid thirties and sleeping with a 22 year old woman.  Did I also mention he is a DJ, so I won’t even start on how there are plenty of stereotypes which is fulfills.

She likes him because of his confidence and he is older, even if he treats her badly, knows she is not the only girl he is screwing and quite frankly there is nothing about him that I find remotely impressive.  That said, she is a big girl so she can make her own decisions.  I just fail to completely understand why women go for arseholes like him.  I have heard it is the confidence, or maybe, it is because he is a “musician” or maybe it is because he is black so she likes her chocolate dark rather than milk or white, but I really cannot see what the attraction is.  I realise this isn’t a very coherent argument, but  for once words are failing me.

As I stood there while he interacted with the two friends of the Lady, he then proceeded to call her a Granny for going home early.  If I wasn’t impressed before, I certainly wasn’t now.  I didn’t bother introducing myself, nor smiling at him and he just stared at me while he talked to the others.  I don’t need to like or impress this guy who I met all of 48 seconds.  I just get a bad vibe off him and think her friend can do so much better than him.

Wow, it is obvious I haven’t written in a while, this is an utterly terrible post.  No coherency or logic whatsoever.  Ah well.  I guess I will just have to live with that.

MMS

His First Day and A Dark Mind

Today finally came.  Today is the day I dropped my brother off at university.  This day has been a long time coming, and I am not going to lie I am excited for him, but right now I just miss him like fuck.

Last night we went out for a goodbye meal with the parents at a local Chinese which was really good.  Afterwards I took my brother out for a drink to say goodbye and to talk through anything he wanted to know before leaving.  It turned out we saw a group of guys I knew in the second pub, my lady turned up briefly before going off with her friends (who approve of me having met me now) and I got him drunker than he has ever been after 9 rounds and a few shots.  He woke up with his first hangover (very mild though) and said it was the best night he has ever had out. I could not have been more proud to give him a better send off than that really.

The journey was quick as he is only an hour and a bit from home, much closer than I was, and his campus is much smaller, but that just makes it easier to navigate.  Moving him in was a quick and painless experience, and while my parents went to a meeting for parents of new students I stayed with The Kid and helped him unpack.  He has a roommate, which is unusual in UK universities, but the rest of the people in his hall seem cool.  Shared bathroom is normal, kitchen is spacious and he is catered anyway which is included in the cost of his accommodation so at least he will be warm and fed in his first year.

It got to a point I could hear people talking outside and he was in his room with me making final touches.  I told him to go outside and chat with them, and he didn’t want to leave me on my own.  I said to him

“Kid, these people are going to be living next to you for the next year, the quicker you make friends and suss them out the better.  Go for it, I will be fine”

I could hear them all talking in the hall as I browsed 9gag on my phone.  He told them that I was his older brother and got him blasted last night to which they all laughed.  Guess I am the cool older brother huh.  After the parents came back we had a little wander round the campus and had some lunch.  About half one we said our goodbyes and left him.  He walked with us back to the car and hugged us all.  I had given him some spending money the day before on the proviso that it is emergency funds.  It is not for alcohol, parties, drugs, clothes or anything else other than if he is really in a bind and needs it.  He has hidden it inside his Godfather book, which just made me smile and he smiled too.

Right now I miss him so much.  I struggled when I started university, and I know it is hard to start with, but he will have the best time of his life.  I don’t want to be all soppy and needy to him, but I know he is in for a life changing experience.  All my old feelings of nostalgia came flooding back and since I got home I have been fighting back tears.  The Lady asked how I was and I didn’t put a kiss on the end of my messages and she felt like I was pushing her away, and that is because I was.  I talked to her, but I kept distant and she knew it.  I told her to be happy that I am even talking.  Before I would not talk at all, or hide in here to deal with it.  Right now I need this to purge, I hate how I feel because I feel like I am going to spiral.

Tomorrow I have my three month review at work which I have done basically no prep for.  I have lost motivation, appetite and focus.  I know where this leads, God knows I do, and I don’t want to be there again.  All I want to do is just sleep and never wake up.  I hope tomorrow is a better day, I really do, but I know it won’t be.  A week off work and now going back to my review means loading up on new information and finding out all the drama that has happened.  Joyous.  Throw me under a bus now I just don’t want to play anymore.

MMS

The Lady and I

While were were FWB this song would be on a lot around us in the car or whenever we happened to be anywhere where music was played.  It was an inappropriate song so have for the situation we were in, but every time I hear this song I think of her.  Especially this version, because it is more upbeat than the original.

I have spent the last three nights with her, which included a film evening, a walk in the park, some shopping and a considerable amount of unclothed time.  It was really great to talk to her and just relax.  One of the films we watched was Fight Club as she had never seen it before.  I felt the need to educate her on it.  She then asked me some questions and I answered with regards to my past and how my brain used to work when I have been in darker mind frames.  She asked if I knew people who had dealt with these kind of issues and if my own experience had been helpful.  Yes and no was my response.

I dealt with a fair bit of it before my head went a little crazy, but I dealt with less of it as I went past it myself.  Either way I know more about myself from it, as well as a better understanding of how to help people who may be suffering.

I am happy.  I may feel isolated at work at times, I may feel like I am struggling with some of my family stuff.  I may even feel like money is tighter than usual and I need one solid month where I do not need to give my family money to get myself back on track.  However I feel pretty good with The Lady.  That is positive enough for me right now.

PL&H

MMS

Mixed Feeling Songs

These are just four of the songs that when I hear them with a group I am ok, but when I am along they make me feel uncomfortable and sad.  I have to change the tracks.  It makes me think of the passing of time, how things are moving on and it makes me miss the past.

I know that sounds stupid, I know I should be happy to be leaving those bad things behind and looking at the positive future which I am moving towards, however I am a nostalgic person.  I hold onto my memories as no matter what, no one can take these from me.  They are mine.  I write to forget, but I write to chronicle and remember also.  This is me doing that right now

MMS

Resolution Reached

In my last post Conflicted Alligences I wrote about how I was not sure how I would deal with The Marine and The RAF Guy with regards to talking to them about A.  I wrote that on the 28th of August and on the 31st I went and saw A and sat her down.

She was convinced that I was going to break things off, that because I had been so far out of contact that I wanted to end things.  I went in the opposite direction and the relief written across her face was wonderful.   I had no intention of hurng her, and I wanted her to be happy, just as I was spending time with her.  That night I didn’t say “will you go out with me” or “will you be my girlfriend” because that seems to childish.  I simply asked her

“Would you like to take this to a more serious level? Me and you, together.”

She reacted well.  Now came the harder part, telling the guys.

I was going their way anyway the following day, so I told them I would be dropping by and I had some stuff I wanted to talk to them about.  They were worried I had got into trouble or something serious was about to go down, but I reassured them that nothing was bad and that I just needed to tell them something which was better face to face.

When I told them what was going on they both laughed.  Then they realised I was serious.  I explained to them how she balances me out and I have no idea how.  I can’t always write around her, but I can think better with her around.  They both said to me that as long as I am happy, that is all that matters and they are happy for me and her.  I was elated.  I told them this changes nothing between us as I wanted things to be exactly the same.  They did as ten minutes later they were bitching about her, but now saying I should shag her to make sure they got the right holidays and make sure she gets them the good shifts.  I laughed and they did too.  They may not like her a great deal, but they respect that she makes me happier and more balanced, so for that they will not go nuts at her.

So they know, and my close friends know. and that is about it.  No one at work knows, my parents have a rough idea and that is about it.  It is a good start.

Sunday 31st August 2014 at around 21:00 is when I made a change in my life.  I went from being single to being in a relationship.  Let’s see how this works out.

MMS

Conflicted Allegiances

So dating with the FWB was going really well.  I say FWB, I suppose I shouldn’t call her that anymore.  I will go with A.  A and I have been on three dates, and we never slept with each other after a date until the third one.  We did sleep together in between dates though so that kind of negates the whole thing I would say.

Here comes the dilemma.  The Marine and The RAF Guy work for her.  She is their manager and they do not like her.  They think she is ditsy, incompetent, lacking in managerial experience, naive and immature.  They come to me and bitch and moan about her.  The reason they come to me is because I am their friend, but also because they know I will try and look at the situation objectively and see why she has acted in that way from an outside perspective, as well as play Devils Advocate.

Now I went with both of these guys to Belgium and had one of the best times of my life, and we are planning to go somewhere else really soon.  I think that if I told them that I am dating, and possibly going to get into a relationship with their boss, would destroy the trust they have in me, as well as our friendship.

Would they just be happy for me if I told them and just let it all slide? I am doubtful.  The ideal situation would be either for her to leave there and go to another store/new job (unlikely) or them to leave and work elsewhere (much more likely).  That would resolve all of those issues, but they will not be happening anytime soon at this rate.

I want to tell them, but I am scared of the consequences.  For now I have cooled it off with A.  I haven’t talked to her as much and I haven’t seen her in a few days, where I was seeing her minimum twice a week.  I have said I have stuff going on an I need to think, and I do need to think.  What do you think Netty?

PL&H

MMS

Eternity Ring Vent

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eternity_ring

This is a link to the wiki page on eternity rings.  Talk of them came up at the pub today.  My friend suggested we meet up tonight, just as I was about to suggest the same.  I said to him though I would prefer if a) we did not have a messy one and b) if it was just us, and not his fiancee.

He agreed to this and we had a meal at the pub and a couple of drinks this evening.  It was fantastic to catch up with him and talk about what has been bugging both of us lately.  His brother is way more fun on a night out, but heart to hearts and when we both need to talk, he is unbeaten.  Later in the evening he got a call from his lady, asking if her and her friend could come and meet us.  We had basically wrapped up the deep parts which we both needed to get out, so we said sure.  I wasn’t 100% happy about it, but I couldn’t say no really.

She arrived and we said hello and gave them a hug and a kiss.  Conversation was ok, and I wound up the friend because she kept texting.  This really bugs me as she was with three other people and yet on her phone.  So I destroyed her and she got really embarassed, to the point she asked permission when her phone went off if she could read it. I said no until it had been a while, then said yes.  This isn’t the first time either with her, but she is in a weird relationship which I do not want to get into because that will annoy me further.

Talk of the rings came up and we discussed they have picked their wedding bands.  She then went on to demand that she gets an eternity ring when their first child is born.  I looked at my friend and he looked at me.  I argued with her about this, but in a logical method about why it is necessary.  Her response was that it was tradition, to which I listed off multiple ways she has broken that, including the fact she has 9 diamonds embedded in her wedding ring.  My friend made the best argument which was

“Would you rather have a ring, or use that money towards the future of our child looking after them and helping them have a better life as they grow up?”

You would think she said kid right? Wrong.  He and I are from similar financial backgrounds, and combined with the conversation I had today that I will have to be giving my parents even more money to help them through their financial struggle again this month, she did not was to have this argument with me.  I laughed it all off in the end and said well I hope you have a prenup, because if she is threatening not to marry you if you don’t buy an eternity ring for her, then best of luck mate.

The simply brattish behaviour she displayed there made me disgusted quite frankly, but I did not want to lose my cool and go off on one.  Moments like that you can see the very different ways we were brought up, and the lifestyle that she expects.  It has been a hard day, but it is only going to get harder throughout the week.  I have responsibility piling on me again at home, and more coming on at work.  I have a few emotional issues I need to deal with as well, hence why I am turning to my blog again to vent and get it out.

I hope this helps, I really do.  I thought I was making some real progress in my stability and logical thinking again, but moments like this bring me down and make me think am I actually moving forward or am I still where I was when I was 16.

MMS

Belgium, Banter and Booty

Catch up time.

I went to Belgium and it was the most amazing three days of my life.  We wandered for hours and hours finding churches everywhere and just being absolutely astounded by it all.  Had possibly the best steak I have ever eaten in my life, as well as certain I have two friends who would back me no matter what I did, and would do anything for me if necessary.

I had a customer flash me today.  It has been a brilliantly fun day with lots of chat and me running the store by myself basically.  I feel rather confident in it all, but will have to see how I do when I run the store completely alone.  I had my deputy in today, but I got her out back to work out there the whole shift.  That made me run the floor and breaks all to myself which was fun.

Saw a girl with an incredible backside in white jeans today.  I couldn’t help but stare, it was terrible.

I feel a little useless at work, but feel like I am starting to come into my own with myself in my position and my colleagues.  I hope that it all works out ok for me eventually.  I hope.

FWB has been an interesting one, still going, still fun, possibility might end soon.

Got bamboozled by a friend when she clocked who my FWB was, turns out she still reads my blog and checks in on me sporadically.  Nice to know she cares.

Brussels could be a possibility to live with my background.  I could get a job and live there with relative ease, but do I want to?

Stag do stuff is playing on my brain.  Don’t know if I am cut out for responsibility and stuff like that.

MMS

New Job, FWB and Life

So it has been a little while since I wrote an update to what has been going on.  Here are the basics

I got put up for a promotion at work for which I had to do an interview.  I am the level below the job, but at a big store so it would be a step up for me to get it.  The person I am against the the level above the job, so would be stepping down to take it, but it is in a much harder store so would be better pay and more of a challenge.  She had more experience than me, but guess what, I smashed it.  They were impressed by my prep work, as well as my passion for the brand and my turn out.  Who knew I am articulate and can actually sell myself when I am honest about my motivations and my goals.

My FWB has been very fun.  We have been meeting up once or twice a week now and it is good.  I saw her two nights in a row and she had a great time by all accounts.  I am the first guy she has been with to give her an orgasm through penetrative sex, and I can understand why, but I won’t go into the details, this is a reasonably family friendly blog! By leaving my job she will no longer be next door to me so it will be more difficult to meet her, but it will distance us, which is good as she is concerned she may develop feelings.  Also, apparently unusually, her tennant in her house likes me because I can chat crap with him, and her best friend described me as “well spoken and not her usual type”.  Her best friend also appologised to me as she had texted me off the FWB’s phone and said some things which made me sound like I was not performing in my duties, but she was being a wind up artist.  I took it seriously and questioned the FWB later on, and she explained the joke, and actually got the best friend to appologise when she met me because she realised I am not a complete dickhead, nor am I bad at what I do.  There was curiosity in her eyes, but I am not going to be a dick.

Engaged girl and The RAF guy went for a drive after work one night with one of her friends.  We went for a drink then drama occurred and she is no longer engaged (again).  This one was much harder to do as myself and the RAF guy were with her to talk her down.  She had chemistry with me, as well as having now slept with RAF guy while engaged so it was inevitable that she would break off her engagement.  I woke up at 7 that day, with only 3 hours sleep.  I did a full shift at work and then went out with them and dealt with all their drama, not getting home until 5:30am the next day, where I had to be up a few hours later to get back to work.  I was shattered, but she was ok and so was he, so that is all that matters.

Speaking of the RAF guy, I had him on the phone last night.  He had a minor freak out after basically not sleeping for the last 6 days and is hallucinating, as well as really struggling with a few other demons.  I had to talk him down, as well as give him direct orders as to what he needed to do to get his life back on track.  They were not life changing, but sometimes giving someone a focus can help them power through what they are dealing with, and even help them get past it.

I am growing my beard out again and I like it.  I keep getting compliments on it and it is getting thicker which is always good.  My brother has started his new job at a supermarket to make some money.  What he hasn’t told my parents is that he is deferring a year at university, which will mean he is home for another year.  That will go down badly I suspect, I did not even consider that option when I went as it would have been sacrilegious, but you never know, he always gets away with everything.

This is my current jam.  I play it on repeat and it may not be the best track, but I can zone out to it and work/walk/focus/do whatever to it

I tried to sprint to the bass drop, I nearly died that was so hardcore.

This chick who I have liked the entire time I have been in my location has finally admitted she likes me and has learnt how to be more flirty because of me.  I am outrageous with her, and we get mocked all the time for it.  It is just how we interact.  I picked her brains for advice before my interview as she had just been interviewed by one of the people 2 weeks prior for the same job elsewhere so I wanted her opinions.  I got her into my room and grilled her about interview technique and what he is like, as well as positives to mention.  It got to a point where I was working over my stuff to improve it and she was lying on my bed, so I told her go to sleep and I will wake you up when you need to go, so she did just that.  She napped on my bed while I worked away.  I felt kind of good that she trusted me enough to do that.  She has some body issues as she is what would be described as curvy, but I think she is awesome.  Coincidentally she is the complete opposite of my FWB is short, blonde, blue eyed, skinny, crazy, light skinned and English.  Other one is taller than me, brunette, brown eyes, curvy, shy, olive skinned and half Portuguese and half South African.  I do love mixed girls, they just seem to have something about them which makes me go mmm!

Well this is over 1000 words, time to reign it in.  Thanks again Netty.  Loves

MMS