Another Tough Day

TW: Suicide, Self Harm, vomiting.

Today has been a tough day for me, but let me go back to Friday first before I get to today.

Friday afternoon I went with mum and dad (step) to go and get a CT scan.  While there my dad had an X-ray on his knee (he needed one anyway and they said drop in when you are free for this).  The reason for my mums CT scan was a shadow across her chest which came up in another scan.  They have more or less written off Lung Cancer (thankfully) but it was a nervous time for us all, especially so close to Christmas time.

After the scan I went home and got ready to my work Christmas Do.  This had been weeks in planning by the work teams, but I was not going to go.  It was only 48 hours before that I ended up being convinced to go, after a few people dropping out and several people haranguing me to do so.   I met my colleagues at the pub, had a few drinks beforehand with them, and then we went onto the venue, where the company card was behind the bar and even more drinks were had.

All said, I left at around quarter past midnight, well socially lubricated, having danced most of the night and had a great time all in all.  I got home by Uber, and was only sick once from all the Jack and Coke I had, the acid was brutal though.

That same day (Friday) I also found out that my colleagues sister had tried to kill herself.  She had taken medication, slashed her wrists and was found somewhere by a stranger who took her to hospital.  The same girl also has recently found out that her fathers new partner (to be wife) has skin cancer and had to have a large portion of her leg removed.  She told me these things and I tried to support her and talk to her where I can, but I know that she has a strong support structure to help her out when she needs it.

Back to Saturday I did not do very much at the weekend, being that I was hungover and in truth I like to not do much on the weekends because I work all the time during the week and want to relax.  Which is a nice transition into today.

Today I got back to work and found out that while I was off “Bombshell Friday” had struck again.  Fridays are the day where something comes out where there is a problem and there is a scrabble to try and resolve it, but more often than not it can’t be done immediately and so there is a chaotic start to the week which can potentially drag on weeks or months depending on the issue.  Guess what, this time it was my fault.

I made a mistake, the mistake came back to bite me, and now I had to work to resolve it.  Unfortunately this mistake is on a project that I have made mistakes on previously, which only fed into making me feel worse about the issue.  I have spent the whole day trying to fix the issue, and speaking to the relevant internal teams and externally affected individuals to get things back on track.  It is not a one day fix, but it has ended up consuming my time, on something I am a little lost in trying to resolve and struggling with.

That word, struggling, is basically what is I feel at work.  I speak for myself here, but I know that the other people on my team feel it, but we are all trying to balance too many jobs.  I feel I am doing this the worst out of everyone as I keep having to resolve issues and fix things as part of the work I am doing, and they should have been spotted a long time ago but weren’t.  Before you ask who should have spotted them, I should have.

I spoke to one of my colleagues about the fact I am going to call a meeting with my manager, because I am doing too much.  Last year I had one job, and one job only at this time of year.  This year I am trying to juggle 3 and smattering of smaller jobs.  I feel like I have too much work to do, and because of this I am letting things slip.  Too many jobs means I am making mistakes in all three of them, and there is just too much for me to handle in one go.  When discussing how many issues we should be dealing with at a time, it was mentioned in someones previous job they handled 2 each maximum.  My team is 4FT and 1 PT, and we currently dealing with 76.  That is just not OK.

Work is really dragging me down mentally, because I don’t stop thinking about it.  I think about it when I wake up, I dream about it, I am even writing about it now (for good reason, I can justify this).  I work 8-6 Monday to Friday, but this has been known to be until 7 and come in at the weekend, pushing my hours to high 40s or 50s at bad times.  Now for some, that is not a big deal; your doctors and lawyers and nurses of the world, but for someone paid my level, this is not great.  I am working those hours to try and get everything done, and then it turns out that I still cant.  Between April and the end of November this year it worked out that I have done 270 hours of overtime that I billed for.  That works out at 38.5 hours per month, which to me doesnt seem so terrible, but it kinda is.  Every month I work the equivalent of 1 FT employee for a week (standard contract is 35 hours PW).

I am struggling to keep up with all of this, and it is making me more and more stressed.  Add on top my friends who I am helping out (the one above, another was at a funeral today who I was trying to support, my family, and the whole real dad and his partner situation which I don’t know if I have talked about) and I am feeling like there is just too much going on.

Circling back, I wanted to tell my manager that I would like to have some of the work taken off my plate, because I am struggling to cope with all of it.  I even wanted to tell him to take away the promotion that I have had, because if I am a lower level, then they can’t make me do the things that they are asking at the moment.  I ran this past my colleague and he agreed that we all do too much, but that I shouldn’t give the company the opportunity to pay me less.  The work would still be the same, and in his opinion (he has 8 years experience on me) the work we are doing alot of the time should not be signed off by someone of our level, but rather someone one or two levels above us.

Why don’t I change position?  I have thought about it and looked and applied in some cases, but in truth every specification I read I don’t feel I even come close to being able to do the things they say.  Christ, I read my own job specification online and feel like I can’t do the things on that.  A friend on another team has suggested I go for a junior coding position on her team and has put my name forward for the potential role (depending on the budget) next year, but even that I feel I will be bad at.

I know I have problems with feeling inadequate (Insert Coach Carter Speech here (which is amazing by the way)), but I just feel confused and not good enough and like every single day I am just battling to keep my head afloat at work.  Today was an 8-6 and quite frankly I am sure that tomorrow will be the same and it is Christmas Eve.

If I didn’t need the money so badly I would take a job where I could just turn off and have minimum responsibilities.  That would be the dream right now, but the reality is I have to have money to help my family, to try and move out of my parents home and to try and make something of myself.  I am 30 years old, I should not be living here, but that’s a whole other rant which ends up in another hole altogether.

It has been a long time since I wrote this much in one post, or even in one go at all.  This is really going back to the streams of consciousness recollection that this blog was founded on over 5 years ago, and I have just broken 1500 words to get to this point.  In truth, the people who used to read this years ago no longer do, and anyone who stumbles across this now will view this as a dated form of expression in a world of YouTube and short form, fast consumption content.  I just find this cathartic and getting this out of my head will hopefully make it easier to process and hopefully mean I can sleep and tackle tomorrow in a healthier and more balanced way.

I hope that I do not fall into the “likes and views are verification of my self worth” hole that I used to have, because I do know I do that sometimes, checking my stats.  Truthfully, if I have more than 2 views a day I think I am doing amazingly.  I think I got one of those notifications that my blog was “on fire” when it hit 30 in a day.  How pathetic really, but if anyone has ready this far (highly doubtful) then I commend you on reading the ramblings of an idiot like me.

I think it is time for me to stop now and watch some Brooklyn 99 or something light hearted to keep me distracted and away from sliding further down.  I think carrying on with The Witcher (which is brilliant so far) would be bad because it has some darker themes.  Same applies to most of the shows I would like to watch now, so I will stick to this for now and see how I feel.

To anyone who has read this far, thank you.  For Netty, thank you once again for being a chronicle of my mental state, for listening to my ramblings and for continuing to be a source of knowledge, pain and growth.



Own It

  • I am short.  I will never be tall.
  • I am loyal, sometimes too much so.
  • I am 25 years old and have been thinning on top since I was 23.
  • I will never be a very muscular individual unless I commit to a strict diet and gym regime.
  • I am the laziest person outside of work that I know.
  • I am the hardest working person inside work that I know.
  • I will love cartoons about Marvel and DC characters for longer than any woman.
  • I say I am a bad liar, but I am reasonably good at it.
  • I exude confidence at work because I am in control.
  • I become much shyer outside because I am not, hence difficulty approaching women
  • I am single, have been for 2 years and will more than likely not find anyone in the near future, because though I want companionship, I am not desperate for it.  I’d rather the sex part.
  • I have great difficulty compartmentalising my emotions.  They tend to bleed into one another.
  • Sometimes, when I am concentrating really hard my brain goes fuzzy, like white noise.  It happens a lot with mental maths.
  • I pick my nose
  • I bite my nails
  • I spend far too much time on the internet
  • I share more of my life online than I do with my family or quite a few of my friends.
  • I have an agenda with 90% of my friends.  Those I don’t I have known for 7+ years.
  • If given the opportunity to undertake dental work, I would.  I hate my teeth.
  • I wish I had a personal life motivator who would shout at me to get myself in gear some days.
  • Some days I will actively avoid all mirrors and only look in one to sort out my hair in the morning because I hate my own face
  • I have had more women send me naked photos of themselves than I have had sex with, and that upsets me
  • I know I am a crazy dancer, but I feel free and I don’t care
  • I have a habit of holding onto the past, because that is my nature
  • If I didn’t write, I would probably be in a ditch somewhere.
  • With all of my faults combined, and all of my assets, I still work out to be AWESOME.


A Day with Twists

So I had expected today to suck.  I had a power nap from 6-7PM last night which screwed my sleep pattern up.  I had to be up very early for the early shift at work and when there found my colleague had also not had any sleep.  We both had Macdonalds to console ourselves while getting on with all our work.

While at work one of the girls from one of our other stores came in and surprised us.  It was lovely to see her and we had a little chat.  I mentioned that after talking to someone it turned out she knew her and my friend laughed.  The two of them had spoken about me at length apparently.  Concerning to know I have been talked about.  My other colleagues I work with all think I am some sort of slut, but in truth I am just quite friendly at times, and it ends up people get to know my face and I say hello to people.

I ended up having lunch with the engaged girl, which lead to her and I going out after work.  I needed to get some food to prepare my lunches for the week and she needed to pick a skirt for her mum.  We drove to the place and I bought Subways for both of us as a thank you for driving me.  We sat in the sun and chatted about life, work and our mutual friends.  She is a flirt and kept making little comments and whatnot while we were relaxing, and I am not going to lie, I reciprocated.  My giant cake I got the other day had been spoken about with her friend so I was texting her telling her to ask my colleagues in store to give her a slice which I had brought in for her.  Amusingly she said the cake was better than sex, to which I responded you need to improve your sex life.

Question: Inapprorpiate to flirt with an engaged woman, while flirting with her friend via text at the same time?

Engaged girl drove to to the supermarket where I bought my stuff.  I complained to her that her cardigan was covering her butt so I couldn’t get a decent view, so she took it off and gave me a wiggle and a smile, asking if that was better.  See 100%  not all me.  As we drove home we discussed the last time we hung out and how she was millimeters away from kissing me before I pulled away.  She smiled asked what would have happened if she had been single.  The look I gave her said everything that needed to be said.  I then told her she is lucky I am not teasing her now, to which she said it wouldn’t work anyway.  That was a challenge and she knew it.

So I teased her while driving running my hand up her thigh and she squirmed until I took my hand away and said I rest my case.  He face was a picture and a half.  She called me trouble and gave me a kiss on the cheek and left a lingering hand on my thigh before driving off to see her fiance.  Yes, I know, that is not a great thing really.

Her friend who I was talking to decided to tell me she was in the bath, and then about her tanlines after recently returning from Barbados.  I told her that put a million thoughts in my head and she then proceeded to offer to show me them.  Well, who am I to say no?  So I now have a picture of her showing me her tanlines, tastefully mind,  not in a trashy way.

Her boyfriend probably wouldn’t appreciate that.

I also found out via Facebook that my dad is flying to Dubai today for a few days away with some friends, and without his wife.  This was the first I had heard about it.  It is weird to think how far we have drifted now.  I told him not to start any wars.

That’s all for now, but still the night is young.  I also bought this which I am excited to read.

Just going to wait for a whole day off so I can devour it in one sitting.  Something to look forward to.


The One With The Nipple Piercing….

Today I got my nipple pierced.  Left side, curved bar made of titanium, £25.  I love it.  It is sore right now, and I keep wanting to play with it but I am having to stop myself because I do not want it to get infected.  I got it on the left so that it balances out the tattoo on the right.

I have been talking to one girl via snapchat, sent a message to an old ex, got contacted by another ex, flirted with a girl on facebook and another has given me her number so I can text her.  I am unsure why all these females have popped out of the woodwork, but they are all cool and I won’t sleep with any of them anyway so it is all moot.

Had a visit from the area manager of another area and she was really nice.  We had a good chat and got along really well.  She is smoking hot too and turns out lives around the corner from me which is crazy.  Also found out my area manager really likes my work ethic and thinks I am one of the best members of staff in the area.  I found that really flattering.  I think the quote was

“MMS works like he owes us, when in reality it is us that owes him the amount of times that he has saved our bacon”

It is good to feel appreciated and noticed for the hard work that I put into my job.  I take pride in my work and my commitment, because I am a prideful and committed kind of person.  It is good to hear this.

So all in all, nipple pierced, good day at work and good night to you all 🙂


London Fun and Thoughts

Yesterday sparked an impromptu trip to London to see some old friends from uni and meet a few of the new freshers that they were bringing along for an adventure.  We went to Camden and I bought some new things from this fantastic place called Cyberdog.  I love it in there, the music is thumping, the clothes are so far out and it is just so quirky, much like the rest of Camden in truth.

I met a few new people who came along with the people I knew.  They were really cool and they are all current students at my old university.  Meeting them I was surprised how tame and well behaved they were, until we got to talking properly.  Then I found they had a little bit of a wild side, but my stories were shockers for them.  Apparently freshers these days don’t get naked regularly or go nuts.

One of them was 19 and had slept with 36 women.  I looked him up and down and I could see why.  He was very cutesy and had some charms about him.  He was also very well dressed.  When we started talking about sex as a group it was amusing because he thought he could beat me.  Yes dude, you have slept 6 times more women than me.  But no, this is one you will not win.  Even one of the guys who knows me pretty well was shocked.  Well, it is always the quiet ones right.  Yes, I called myself quiet.

We went for all you can eat sushi and devoured so much food.  Great company and great food, not to mention lots of laughs made it a brilliant evening.  I bought a bottle of sake (Japanese rice wine) and we split it between 5 of the guys.  One of them said “To the Old Guard” as a toast which cracked me up.  He is doing his Masters in Forensic Criminology and is 2 years younger than the rest of the “Old Guard”.  One has a degree in Accounting and Finance, did his PGCE and is now a secondary school maths teacher (ages 11-18).  One did a degree is philosophy and is an IT administrator.  The third has a degree in economics which he started when I started in 2007, graduated and decided to do a second degree in Criminology.  He graduates this year and is looking into maybe doing his Masters there as well.  The sake went down far too easily and we made plans for this weekend now.

Looks like I will be going back to my old uni to spend a weekend down there.  The guy doing his Master’s girlfriend is such a sweetheart and she kind of inspired me to really go and get my tattoo.  She has a chameleon on her ankle which has the same Maori swirl I do.  She said she is going to get some of her girls out to meet me, to which I told her I have given up everything to do with sex for Lent.  She laughed and says “We’ll see”.  I’m kinda scared.

I had a brilliant one liner which if I had said to anyone else would have been incredibly awkward, but wasn’t because they knew to take it in jest.  Teacher pulls out his wallet which is a comic book design on the outside with Marvel Comic Strips.  Masters Girlfriend goes

“Oh wow, that is such an awesome wallet, that is amazing!”

To which I respond “If you like his wallet, you are going to love my boxers!!”

I then had to explain I was wearing boxers with basically the same design, so the joke made more sense and I didn’t look like a complete nutter.  I showed teacher and he agreed, they were awesome.

There were a few bad notes, such as when there were these rowdy drunks for St Patricks Day celebrations where we nearly got into a fight with them, and me having some knowledge dropped on me that my ex who was maybe turning up is moving out of London to Bristol with her new partner.  That part didn’t bother me,  the fact he is 37 and she is 24 did.  Made me feel massively immature and my first response was to ask how her parents reacted to that one.  But they are supportive of her of course; they let her date a weirdo like me for 2 years, probably a serious upgrade there!

But back to the point, I had an amazing day and made some great new friends who I will be seeing again this weekend! More sake and gaming will ensue no doubt.  Maybe a little eye candy and some great new memories as well will be had.


If You Were A Shoe, What Shoe Would You Be?

Don’t ask me why I decided to ask myself an existential question.

If I were a shoe, what shoe would I be?

Wishful Thinking
I would be a patent leather dress shoe.  I am shiny, classy and perfect for those high class occasions.  Put me a black tie or a white tie event, an expensive restaurant or the parade grounds and I will do you proud.  Buffed, in perfect shape and sharp as a knife.  (If female, blatantly those 4 inch stiletto heels which should kill you, but don’t and are sexy as all hell)
Realistic Thinking
I am a comfortable pair of slip on shoes.  No laces required here, no muss no fuss.  Just slip me on and away you go.  Soft soled and with no pomp or circumstance, I can be more casual or a little more dressy.  Either way I am just your everyday pair, good to go whenever and always ready for a jaunt.  (If female, those dependable ballet pumps that you wear all the time)

What shoe are you? Let me know, or don’t.  Either way, if I meet you, I will judge your shoe choice.  *mutters*Damn women making me notice shoes and now it is an addiction.  



List Challenge Round 2! Day 3: Places In The World

Today’s challenge is brought to you by Rising Song over at She Believed She Could So She Did. Her list was:

“Places in the world (including in your own country) you would like to see/visit.” 

  1. Hong Kong – I have quite a few friends from over there and would love to see their home city and explore.
  2. Mainland China – I would love to go here to see the monasteries and see how the monks live and work.
  3. Tokyo (Japan)- Japanese culture is so fascinating, plus all the anime I watch would make it an interesting experience for me
  4. Tennessee (USA) – To go and see the Jack Daniels Distillary as well as see Memphis (walking in Memphis plays in my head now)
  5. New York (USA) – So that I can see all the sites and be a real tourist, plus I can play Englishman In New York (Shame on you for not knowing this song if you don’t.  If that double bass doesn’t get you grooving you have no soul)
  6. Russia – I would like to go to St Petersberg
  7. Greece – The history would be fascinating and keep me occupied.  I am a bit of an ancient history fan
  8. Rome (Italy)– Ditto
  9. Vatican City – Tritto
  10. Cuba – To have a real fresh Cuban cigar the way it was supposed to be, straight off the thighs of the virgin that rolled them.

There you go! Those are the three suggestions I have had from my lovely readers! (over 350 subs and 3 commenters….guess we know how many are bots now!).  If any other suggestions are floating out there feel free to drop them on by, otherwise tomorrow I shall just have to make up my own ones.  Thank you kindly to those who participated!


List Challenge Round 2! Day 2: Gym

Today’s challenge was provided by Tis over at Tis Personal (Warning: Mature Content).  Her challenge is below.

“List of exercises you need to do to bulk up at the gym”

Now technically I will be trying to do half cardio, half bulking.  My family have dodgy hearts and I have suffered heart palpitations when I was younger and still come back every now and again currently.  Due to this I try to do cardio, but this also has the advantage of dropping my fat levels and making me more toned.  So I will be slightly deviating and stating what I need to do to increase my strength while also increasing my stamina.

  1. Cycling – I use a stationary bike at the gym as it is a really great way of working up a sweat and getting your heart going.  I make sure to have a setting where it is challenging enough that I can go for an extended period of time and keep my heart rate elevated, without being too hard that I cannot do it for more than 20 minutes.  I did between 40- 60 minutes trying to keep my speed consistent and do up to 40 km I think.  Also great because it is low impact on my knees.
  2. Seated Leg Press – I did this to improve my quads and hamstrings.  I used to do 120kg x 12 x 3 (12 reps of 120kg, rest 30 seconds then repeat 3 times in total).  Also great for toning your butt.
  3. Lunges – If you cannot get to the gym, but happen to have some weights in the house you can hold onto or wear if you have a weight vest then these are awesome.  I try and do these in my room when I have a little time to spare as they are good for stretching also.  Being flexible as well as strong is always good.
  4. Tricep curls – instead of holding the dumbbell horizontally you turn it 90 degrees and hold it vertically.  This activates your triceps to work.  Biceps are pretty and girls swoon over them, triceps are the ones that actually hold the explosive strength were you to ever strike someone.  That is running under the assumption you are not throwing your hips or shoulders into it to add power.
  5. Shoulder Press – a seated machine where you lift weights from chest height and push until your arms are straight above your head.  Great to increase shoulder strength as well as giving the muscles near your underarm a work out.  I have quite strong shoulders so I enjoyed this as it made them stronger.
  6. Chest Press – similar to above but you push outwards and forwards until your arms are outstretched.  A personal trainer found that my chest was my weakest muscle set when seeing what I could do, so I obsessed over this for a while.  Ended up with a quite noticeable chest and I loved that in t-shirts.  (I am vain, so sue me).  Great for pectoral muscles and triceps.
  7. Front Pulldown – A machine where you sit and your arms are outstretched above you and you have to pull the weights down to you.  Depending on the grip it works different muscle sets.  I used a fingers curling in grip (now, my brain went dirty) which worked my back and biceps.  Really good and one I enjoyed quite a lot.
  8. Crunches – All muscle groups benefit from a strong core, so if you improve your stomach, you improve everywhere else as well.  It is all well and good to do sit ups or use a crunch machine, but if you have fat already on your stomach you can overdevelop those muscles and it pushes out the fat and makes you look like you have a bigger belly! I had to drop fat while increasing my core strength and had noticeable definition in the top two abdominal muscles (the quintessential 6 pack).  Can make harder by including punches and swivels, as well as weight to your chest or throwing a medicine ball.
  9. Press-ups – easy to do and no equipment required.  Just assume the position and away you go.  I tried to do groups but sometimes I would just go all out to see how many I could do in one go.  I did groups of 20 generally.
  10. Running – also no specialist equipment required, just a road.  I do less of this to preserve my knees, especially after my accident and how much time I spend on my feet at work.  I want to avoid cortisol injections if possible.  great for weight loss, increasing stamina, and getting yourself known locally if you are friendly and smile at people.

So there you have it.  Day 2 complete.  A little silly in places, but all things that can be done and worked on by me, and some others if they wish to.