TW: suicide, death and generally morbid thoughts.

So covid 19, Coronavirus, or whatever you want to call it has now lead to a lockdown in the UK. That has made more and more people worried about death, and for me it has just brought it further to the forefront of my brain. I’ve been having thoughts about it with the whole nightmares I was having, thankfully abated, but the thoughts about locked in syndrome are still there.

I’ve been looking up assisted death (or assisted suicide) in the UK and it is illegal. There are countries and or States where this is legal, but there aren’t many in the scale of things. For me, I was looking into writing a living will as I know that if I was in that kind of state, I would want to die. I freaked out when I lucid dreamt and that was bad enough, I can’t be locked in my own body unable to control anything. Even if it wasn’t that, a horrific stroke, a car accident that left me paralysed, anything which could have killed me but has instead left me useless and unable to function, I do not want to be alive for that. I would rather be dead.

It looks like you can’t have a Do Not Resuscitate option in the UK, but that’s basically what I want. If I’m going to die, I want it to be on my terms. I don’t want to be brought back with huge brain damage and be trapped like that. I realise the more I write the more selfish it is, not me saying oh I don’t want to be a burden to my family, more that I’m scared of my own mind and what is in there. That’s not a great revelation either.

I better stop and go back to watching Modern Family, that seems safer that indulging my mind with the chaotic darkness which is in there right now.