Another Tough Day

TW: Suicide, Self Harm, vomiting.

Today has been a tough day for me, but let me go back to Friday first before I get to today.

Friday afternoon I went with mum and dad (step) to go and get a CT scan.  While there my dad had an X-ray on his knee (he needed one anyway and they said drop in when you are free for this).  The reason for my mums CT scan was a shadow across her chest which came up in another scan.  They have more or less written off Lung Cancer (thankfully) but it was a nervous time for us all, especially so close to Christmas time.

After the scan I went home and got ready to my work Christmas Do.  This had been weeks in planning by the work teams, but I was not going to go.  It was only 48 hours before that I ended up being convinced to go, after a few people dropping out and several people haranguing me to do so.   I met my colleagues at the pub, had a few drinks beforehand with them, and then we went onto the venue, where the company card was behind the bar and even more drinks were had.

All said, I left at around quarter past midnight, well socially lubricated, having danced most of the night and had a great time all in all.  I got home by Uber, and was only sick once from all the Jack and Coke I had, the acid was brutal though.

That same day (Friday) I also found out that my colleagues sister had tried to kill herself.  She had taken medication, slashed her wrists and was found somewhere by a stranger who took her to hospital.  The same girl also has recently found out that her fathers new partner (to be wife) has skin cancer and had to have a large portion of her leg removed.  She told me these things and I tried to support her and talk to her where I can, but I know that she has a strong support structure to help her out when she needs it.

Back to Saturday I did not do very much at the weekend, being that I was hungover and in truth I like to not do much on the weekends because I work all the time during the week and want to relax.  Which is a nice transition into today.

Today I got back to work and found out that while I was off “Bombshell Friday” had struck again.  Fridays are the day where something comes out where there is a problem and there is a scrabble to try and resolve it, but more often than not it can’t be done immediately and so there is a chaotic start to the week which can potentially drag on weeks or months depending on the issue.  Guess what, this time it was my fault.

I made a mistake, the mistake came back to bite me, and now I had to work to resolve it.  Unfortunately this mistake is on a project that I have made mistakes on previously, which only fed into making me feel worse about the issue.  I have spent the whole day trying to fix the issue, and speaking to the relevant internal teams and externally affected individuals to get things back on track.  It is not a one day fix, but it has ended up consuming my time, on something I am a little lost in trying to resolve and struggling with.

That word, struggling, is basically what is I feel at work.  I speak for myself here, but I know that the other people on my team feel it, but we are all trying to balance too many jobs.  I feel I am doing this the worst out of everyone as I keep having to resolve issues and fix things as part of the work I am doing, and they should have been spotted a long time ago but weren’t.  Before you ask who should have spotted them, I should have.

I spoke to one of my colleagues about the fact I am going to call a meeting with my manager, because I am doing too much.  Last year I had one job, and one job only at this time of year.  This year I am trying to juggle 3 and smattering of smaller jobs.  I feel like I have too much work to do, and because of this I am letting things slip.  Too many jobs means I am making mistakes in all three of them, and there is just too much for me to handle in one go.  When discussing how many issues we should be dealing with at a time, it was mentioned in someones previous job they handled 2 each maximum.  My team is 4FT and 1 PT, and we currently dealing with 76.  That is just not OK.

Work is really dragging me down mentally, because I don’t stop thinking about it.  I think about it when I wake up, I dream about it, I am even writing about it now (for good reason, I can justify this).  I work 8-6 Monday to Friday, but this has been known to be until 7 and come in at the weekend, pushing my hours to high 40s or 50s at bad times.  Now for some, that is not a big deal; your doctors and lawyers and nurses of the world, but for someone paid my level, this is not great.  I am working those hours to try and get everything done, and then it turns out that I still cant.  Between April and the end of November this year it worked out that I have done 270 hours of overtime that I billed for.  That works out at 38.5 hours per month, which to me doesnt seem so terrible, but it kinda is.  Every month I work the equivalent of 1 FT employee for a week (standard contract is 35 hours PW).

I am struggling to keep up with all of this, and it is making me more and more stressed.  Add on top my friends who I am helping out (the one above, another was at a funeral today who I was trying to support, my family, and the whole real dad and his partner situation which I don’t know if I have talked about) and I am feeling like there is just too much going on.

Circling back, I wanted to tell my manager that I would like to have some of the work taken off my plate, because I am struggling to cope with all of it.  I even wanted to tell him to take away the promotion that I have had, because if I am a lower level, then they can’t make me do the things that they are asking at the moment.  I ran this past my colleague and he agreed that we all do too much, but that I shouldn’t give the company the opportunity to pay me less.  The work would still be the same, and in his opinion (he has 8 years experience on me) the work we are doing alot of the time should not be signed off by someone of our level, but rather someone one or two levels above us.

Why don’t I change position?  I have thought about it and looked and applied in some cases, but in truth every specification I read I don’t feel I even come close to being able to do the things they say.  Christ, I read my own job specification online and feel like I can’t do the things on that.  A friend on another team has suggested I go for a junior coding position on her team and has put my name forward for the potential role (depending on the budget) next year, but even that I feel I will be bad at.

I know I have problems with feeling inadequate (Insert Coach Carter Speech here (which is amazing by the way)), but I just feel confused and not good enough and like every single day I am just battling to keep my head afloat at work.  Today was an 8-6 and quite frankly I am sure that tomorrow will be the same and it is Christmas Eve.

If I didn’t need the money so badly I would take a job where I could just turn off and have minimum responsibilities.  That would be the dream right now, but the reality is I have to have money to help my family, to try and move out of my parents home and to try and make something of myself.  I am 30 years old, I should not be living here, but that’s a whole other rant which ends up in another hole altogether.

It has been a long time since I wrote this much in one post, or even in one go at all.  This is really going back to the streams of consciousness recollection that this blog was founded on over 5 years ago, and I have just broken 1500 words to get to this point.  In truth, the people who used to read this years ago no longer do, and anyone who stumbles across this now will view this as a dated form of expression in a world of YouTube and short form, fast consumption content.  I just find this cathartic and getting this out of my head will hopefully make it easier to process and hopefully mean I can sleep and tackle tomorrow in a healthier and more balanced way.

I hope that I do not fall into the “likes and views are verification of my self worth” hole that I used to have, because I do know I do that sometimes, checking my stats.  Truthfully, if I have more than 2 views a day I think I am doing amazingly.  I think I got one of those notifications that my blog was “on fire” when it hit 30 in a day.  How pathetic really, but if anyone has ready this far (highly doubtful) then I commend you on reading the ramblings of an idiot like me.

I think it is time for me to stop now and watch some Brooklyn 99 or something light hearted to keep me distracted and away from sliding further down.  I think carrying on with The Witcher (which is brilliant so far) would be bad because it has some darker themes.  Same applies to most of the shows I would like to watch now, so I will stick to this for now and see how I feel.

To anyone who has read this far, thank you.  For Netty, thank you once again for being a chronicle of my mental state, for listening to my ramblings and for continuing to be a source of knowledge, pain and growth.

PL&H

MMS

Hard Few Days

I have been really struggling the last few days. 

I just fucked up with a customer who I couldn’t get anything to work with and then the girl who constantly undermines me goes and sells £700 worth of goods to them. I fucked up.

I feel like she is better at my job than me and quite frankly I want to leave. I want to just crawl into a hole and not hole out.

Yesterday’s post you can see I just fucked up with everything I said on a night out. Tonight I am supposed to be out for my Christmas do, and one of the other team members father has just got cancer. She found out today.

I don’t want to go out. I don’t want to be anywhere but in my room on my laptop disconnected from real people and the real world. I don’t even want to see my girlfriend because I fucked up with her not remembering she had a camera shoved up her nose yesterday.

I’m spiralling and I know it. I’ve put on a fair bit of weight lately and it is upsetting but I can’t stop eating because I always seem to be hungry. Or I will go a whole day and won’t eat at all. It’s just fucked up.

I can’t explain all of it properly because I don’t even understand it all myself. But I am not in a great place. I want to cry but part of me knows that is accepting that I am a wuss and once again unable to control myself.

If I say anything I feel like an attention seeker. If I walked into work right now I know they are talking about how I fucked up. I know the girls last night think I’m an idiot, I know my girlfriend is annoyed at me and struggling with her own work and life issues. I am just a pussy.

I just want it all to stop. All of it to stop.

Stressing Out

I am pushing my girlfriend away.  Yesterday we ended on a bad note and I didn’t bother to reply to her text message where she finally saw that I am actually an arsehole at times.  Today she didn’t text me all day and when she did in the evening when I theoretically would have finished work on a normal day I was short, and told her I am going to stop talking to her before I snap at her.  It wasn’t personal, it is just I knew I would.    I could almost guarantee it.

—//—

I finally sat down with my stepfather after giving him another £500 to find out what is going on with the home finances.  I looked at his income and my mothers, as well as mine, the outgoings which we could not push and were fixed every month like mortgages and insurance, and the variable costs. My finance brain went in and my step dad was surprised at how I approached everything in the way that I did.  I told him in no uncertain terms that I have handed over well over £3000 in the last 4 months, and that I need to know how deep a hole we are in, and what can be done so that moving forward that can make it better.  Effectively, I need to cut my spending down and give them more.

—//—

I have got my brother a job at the place I work.  It is a temp contract and he only has 5.5 hrs, but I will be flexing him up to at least 20 whenever I can.  I found out he has been giving my parents money as well.  He shouldn’t be.  He is studying and that should be his focus, not what is going on here.

—//—

Today at work I had the head of retail operations in.  He is one of the most influential people in the company.  If I had to hear my deputy manager (who I went and had dinner with the night before and she was lovely) tell one more story about how wonderful she is, or how well traveled or spiritual she is I was going to take the stapler and puncture my carotid artery.  She was absolutely doing my nut.  My store manager is already good friends with him so she didn’t need to impress, and I concentrated more on my job than on impressing him, so that meant I was barely noticed.  Not good for networking, but great for…well fuck all other than proving I am a reasonable supervisor.  Completed nothing of note whatsoever today, and it ended up being a 09:00-20:00 day, with my leaving home at 08:00 and returning at 21:15.  To say I am fucking shattered is an understatement.

MMS

His First Day and A Dark Mind

Today finally came.  Today is the day I dropped my brother off at university.  This day has been a long time coming, and I am not going to lie I am excited for him, but right now I just miss him like fuck.

Last night we went out for a goodbye meal with the parents at a local Chinese which was really good.  Afterwards I took my brother out for a drink to say goodbye and to talk through anything he wanted to know before leaving.  It turned out we saw a group of guys I knew in the second pub, my lady turned up briefly before going off with her friends (who approve of me having met me now) and I got him drunker than he has ever been after 9 rounds and a few shots.  He woke up with his first hangover (very mild though) and said it was the best night he has ever had out. I could not have been more proud to give him a better send off than that really.

The journey was quick as he is only an hour and a bit from home, much closer than I was, and his campus is much smaller, but that just makes it easier to navigate.  Moving him in was a quick and painless experience, and while my parents went to a meeting for parents of new students I stayed with The Kid and helped him unpack.  He has a roommate, which is unusual in UK universities, but the rest of the people in his hall seem cool.  Shared bathroom is normal, kitchen is spacious and he is catered anyway which is included in the cost of his accommodation so at least he will be warm and fed in his first year.

It got to a point I could hear people talking outside and he was in his room with me making final touches.  I told him to go outside and chat with them, and he didn’t want to leave me on my own.  I said to him

“Kid, these people are going to be living next to you for the next year, the quicker you make friends and suss them out the better.  Go for it, I will be fine”

I could hear them all talking in the hall as I browsed 9gag on my phone.  He told them that I was his older brother and got him blasted last night to which they all laughed.  Guess I am the cool older brother huh.  After the parents came back we had a little wander round the campus and had some lunch.  About half one we said our goodbyes and left him.  He walked with us back to the car and hugged us all.  I had given him some spending money the day before on the proviso that it is emergency funds.  It is not for alcohol, parties, drugs, clothes or anything else other than if he is really in a bind and needs it.  He has hidden it inside his Godfather book, which just made me smile and he smiled too.

Right now I miss him so much.  I struggled when I started university, and I know it is hard to start with, but he will have the best time of his life.  I don’t want to be all soppy and needy to him, but I know he is in for a life changing experience.  All my old feelings of nostalgia came flooding back and since I got home I have been fighting back tears.  The Lady asked how I was and I didn’t put a kiss on the end of my messages and she felt like I was pushing her away, and that is because I was.  I talked to her, but I kept distant and she knew it.  I told her to be happy that I am even talking.  Before I would not talk at all, or hide in here to deal with it.  Right now I need this to purge, I hate how I feel because I feel like I am going to spiral.

Tomorrow I have my three month review at work which I have done basically no prep for.  I have lost motivation, appetite and focus.  I know where this leads, God knows I do, and I don’t want to be there again.  All I want to do is just sleep and never wake up.  I hope tomorrow is a better day, I really do, but I know it won’t be.  A week off work and now going back to my review means loading up on new information and finding out all the drama that has happened.  Joyous.  Throw me under a bus now I just don’t want to play anymore.

MMS

The Lady and I

While were were FWB this song would be on a lot around us in the car or whenever we happened to be anywhere where music was played.  It was an inappropriate song so have for the situation we were in, but every time I hear this song I think of her.  Especially this version, because it is more upbeat than the original.

I have spent the last three nights with her, which included a film evening, a walk in the park, some shopping and a considerable amount of unclothed time.  It was really great to talk to her and just relax.  One of the films we watched was Fight Club as she had never seen it before.  I felt the need to educate her on it.  She then asked me some questions and I answered with regards to my past and how my brain used to work when I have been in darker mind frames.  She asked if I knew people who had dealt with these kind of issues and if my own experience had been helpful.  Yes and no was my response.

I dealt with a fair bit of it before my head went a little crazy, but I dealt with less of it as I went past it myself.  Either way I know more about myself from it, as well as a better understanding of how to help people who may be suffering.

I am happy.  I may feel isolated at work at times, I may feel like I am struggling with some of my family stuff.  I may even feel like money is tighter than usual and I need one solid month where I do not need to give my family money to get myself back on track.  However I feel pretty good with The Lady.  That is positive enough for me right now.

PL&H

MMS

Resolution Reached

In my last post Conflicted Alligences I wrote about how I was not sure how I would deal with The Marine and The RAF Guy with regards to talking to them about A.  I wrote that on the 28th of August and on the 31st I went and saw A and sat her down.

She was convinced that I was going to break things off, that because I had been so far out of contact that I wanted to end things.  I went in the opposite direction and the relief written across her face was wonderful.   I had no intention of hurng her, and I wanted her to be happy, just as I was spending time with her.  That night I didn’t say “will you go out with me” or “will you be my girlfriend” because that seems to childish.  I simply asked her

“Would you like to take this to a more serious level? Me and you, together.”

She reacted well.  Now came the harder part, telling the guys.

I was going their way anyway the following day, so I told them I would be dropping by and I had some stuff I wanted to talk to them about.  They were worried I had got into trouble or something serious was about to go down, but I reassured them that nothing was bad and that I just needed to tell them something which was better face to face.

When I told them what was going on they both laughed.  Then they realised I was serious.  I explained to them how she balances me out and I have no idea how.  I can’t always write around her, but I can think better with her around.  They both said to me that as long as I am happy, that is all that matters and they are happy for me and her.  I was elated.  I told them this changes nothing between us as I wanted things to be exactly the same.  They did as ten minutes later they were bitching about her, but now saying I should shag her to make sure they got the right holidays and make sure she gets them the good shifts.  I laughed and they did too.  They may not like her a great deal, but they respect that she makes me happier and more balanced, so for that they will not go nuts at her.

So they know, and my close friends know. and that is about it.  No one at work knows, my parents have a rough idea and that is about it.  It is a good start.

Sunday 31st August 2014 at around 21:00 is when I made a change in my life.  I went from being single to being in a relationship.  Let’s see how this works out.

MMS

Eternity Ring Vent

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eternity_ring

This is a link to the wiki page on eternity rings.  Talk of them came up at the pub today.  My friend suggested we meet up tonight, just as I was about to suggest the same.  I said to him though I would prefer if a) we did not have a messy one and b) if it was just us, and not his fiancee.

He agreed to this and we had a meal at the pub and a couple of drinks this evening.  It was fantastic to catch up with him and talk about what has been bugging both of us lately.  His brother is way more fun on a night out, but heart to hearts and when we both need to talk, he is unbeaten.  Later in the evening he got a call from his lady, asking if her and her friend could come and meet us.  We had basically wrapped up the deep parts which we both needed to get out, so we said sure.  I wasn’t 100% happy about it, but I couldn’t say no really.

She arrived and we said hello and gave them a hug and a kiss.  Conversation was ok, and I wound up the friend because she kept texting.  This really bugs me as she was with three other people and yet on her phone.  So I destroyed her and she got really embarassed, to the point she asked permission when her phone went off if she could read it. I said no until it had been a while, then said yes.  This isn’t the first time either with her, but she is in a weird relationship which I do not want to get into because that will annoy me further.

Talk of the rings came up and we discussed they have picked their wedding bands.  She then went on to demand that she gets an eternity ring when their first child is born.  I looked at my friend and he looked at me.  I argued with her about this, but in a logical method about why it is necessary.  Her response was that it was tradition, to which I listed off multiple ways she has broken that, including the fact she has 9 diamonds embedded in her wedding ring.  My friend made the best argument which was

“Would you rather have a ring, or use that money towards the future of our child looking after them and helping them have a better life as they grow up?”

You would think she said kid right? Wrong.  He and I are from similar financial backgrounds, and combined with the conversation I had today that I will have to be giving my parents even more money to help them through their financial struggle again this month, she did not was to have this argument with me.  I laughed it all off in the end and said well I hope you have a prenup, because if she is threatening not to marry you if you don’t buy an eternity ring for her, then best of luck mate.

The simply brattish behaviour she displayed there made me disgusted quite frankly, but I did not want to lose my cool and go off on one.  Moments like that you can see the very different ways we were brought up, and the lifestyle that she expects.  It has been a hard day, but it is only going to get harder throughout the week.  I have responsibility piling on me again at home, and more coming on at work.  I have a few emotional issues I need to deal with as well, hence why I am turning to my blog again to vent and get it out.

I hope this helps, I really do.  I thought I was making some real progress in my stability and logical thinking again, but moments like this bring me down and make me think am I actually moving forward or am I still where I was when I was 16.

MMS

Heart Palpitations and Stuff

At work on Thursday I had a heart palpitation.  It was brutal.  They normally last maximum 2 minutes and I am fine, but this one was closer to 10 minutes.  I have written what it feels like in a post called palpitations if you want to read it.  I would link it, but reading it brought back some memories of people I don’t feel like thinking about.  Having palpitations again really threw me, and my boss sent me home.  He has never seen me go down like that.  I have been to the gym and been starting to try and eat better now.  I need a more regular regime for gymming.

—//—

I am hoping to go away with The Marine and The RAF guy some time in July.  I am apprehensive about this because I know they both are grieving, but this would be one hell of an experience for me.  They are both really good guys, that much is for certain.  Today I saw The Marine at work so I went over to the door and put a massive kiss on the window.  He burst out laughing and said I better clean that.  I texted The RAF guy this morning to check in on him, he is doing ok, and we are going to try and meet up for a drink some time soon.

—//—

I feel I am too immature for my age.  I mean my circle of friends at home are all mature with their lives in order.  Some have homes of their own, some have kids, some are engaged.  All seem to have their lives together and progressing.  When I go out with them they are going home before midnight because they are tired.   More often than not I end up saying see you later and going and seeing other people, people who are younger than me ( by a few years so not major, but still I feel older around them, but that might be because they are an established group).  They go out, they get drunk, they party.  I may not be one of them, but they always have a good time and tolerate my tagging along, I think because I can be kind of crazy.  I feel a little behind on my maturity.  Problem is I was a head of the game in those respects growing up with my family, and now it feels like everyone else has caught up with me and surpassed.  I even feel this blog is immature at times.

—//—

Being empathetic person is a real pain.  People talk to me about their issues and I listen and talk back when appropriate.  The problem is I feel it.  It is not that I sympathise, I empathise.  It is irritating as some of the time they are dealing with things which I have not experienced myself, yet I feel I understand their pain.  Obviously I do not say that, because it is crass and idiotic to do so, but it certainly feels like it on the inside.  I am such a screwed up individual.

PL&H (have not written that in a very long time)

MMS

RAM: Poetry Circa 2006; Aged 17

When I wake up from a nightmare,
I sit here and wish you were there,
But would you hold me close and comfort me,
Would you ask me what happens, would you see,
The little scared kid hiding in my eyes,
Who cowers in the corner as he is attacked by flies,
Eaten alive screaming with no one to help,
While his skin is being ripped, no one hears his yelps,
His dog is a bag of bones, stripped of flesh,
And now the boy is there, on the door of death,
His eyes have been eaten, his nose and lips,
He tries to run away but he slips, he slips,
He’s falling, he’s falling down into a black black hole,
He’s screaming he’s screaming he has no control,
THUMP his body has hit the end,
Crippled and destroyed, alone with no friends,
No family, no one near him who cares,
Even when alive nobody noticed he was there,
He is dead and forgotten, but forgotten while alive,
But why did he fight, fight to survive,
Did he have a future, could he be great,
Could he be a doctor, a head of state,
maybe a lawyer or just a hardworking man,
True and upright, with a gun in his hand,
A secret psycho who is out of control,
The Devil is burning deep inside his soul,
He walks into his bank and shoots the clerk,
This is all in the morning before he starts work.

—//—

Well, 17 year old me had a few issues he was working through I believe.  25 year old me thinks they haven’t gone away so much.  Randomly found this in a drawer looking for some photos .  I found this poem and another one on the obverse which I wrote while in an accounting evening class in 2006.

MMS

Dealing With Women

Friday after work I went straight to my friends university to go to a formal dinner with him. I had a great deal of fun, I think. We drank alot.

I went as he needed graduate males to accompany female undergraduates. I may not have graduated from his uni, however I am a graduate so I was eligible. The ratio was me, him and another guy to 13ish women. So a good ratio for me to work my magic.

Simply put, I can’t remember if I did or didn’t. But he did say I managed to have more interest from the other guy, who is bi, than any of the girls. And some of them were absolutely stunning.

Today at work I have had a group of 10 women walk in dress shopping for one of them in particular. I said to the girl L, I’m going out back, I can’t deal with this. She had visible shock on her face and came to check if I was ok.

I am just not feeling being a flirt at the moment. I just can’t be bothered with trying to be charming and polite. I can’t be bothered to be complimentary and gentlemanly. All I want is to just hide from all people.

I have been coming out with some sharp remarks with some people and one of the other girls laughed and was enjoying it. I was being very British in my humour, which is basically very dry sarcasm. I have been so deadpan people can’t quite work out if what I am saying is true or not.

I can’t be bothered with people at the moment. We’ve beaten target today and I’ve don’t everything I really want to do. I have managed to forget my wallet and watch today as well. Luckily I had just enough change in the bottom of my bag to scrimp my train ticket to work. Thankfully.

I would like to hibernate please. Wake me up when I care again.

MMS