Another Tough Day

TW: Suicide, Self Harm, vomiting.

Today has been a tough day for me, but let me go back to Friday first before I get to today.

Friday afternoon I went with mum and dad (step) to go and get a CT scan.  While there my dad had an X-ray on his knee (he needed one anyway and they said drop in when you are free for this).  The reason for my mums CT scan was a shadow across her chest which came up in another scan.  They have more or less written off Lung Cancer (thankfully) but it was a nervous time for us all, especially so close to Christmas time.

After the scan I went home and got ready to my work Christmas Do.  This had been weeks in planning by the work teams, but I was not going to go.  It was only 48 hours before that I ended up being convinced to go, after a few people dropping out and several people haranguing me to do so.   I met my colleagues at the pub, had a few drinks beforehand with them, and then we went onto the venue, where the company card was behind the bar and even more drinks were had.

All said, I left at around quarter past midnight, well socially lubricated, having danced most of the night and had a great time all in all.  I got home by Uber, and was only sick once from all the Jack and Coke I had, the acid was brutal though.

That same day (Friday) I also found out that my colleagues sister had tried to kill herself.  She had taken medication, slashed her wrists and was found somewhere by a stranger who took her to hospital.  The same girl also has recently found out that her fathers new partner (to be wife) has skin cancer and had to have a large portion of her leg removed.  She told me these things and I tried to support her and talk to her where I can, but I know that she has a strong support structure to help her out when she needs it.

Back to Saturday I did not do very much at the weekend, being that I was hungover and in truth I like to not do much on the weekends because I work all the time during the week and want to relax.  Which is a nice transition into today.

Today I got back to work and found out that while I was off “Bombshell Friday” had struck again.  Fridays are the day where something comes out where there is a problem and there is a scrabble to try and resolve it, but more often than not it can’t be done immediately and so there is a chaotic start to the week which can potentially drag on weeks or months depending on the issue.  Guess what, this time it was my fault.

I made a mistake, the mistake came back to bite me, and now I had to work to resolve it.  Unfortunately this mistake is on a project that I have made mistakes on previously, which only fed into making me feel worse about the issue.  I have spent the whole day trying to fix the issue, and speaking to the relevant internal teams and externally affected individuals to get things back on track.  It is not a one day fix, but it has ended up consuming my time, on something I am a little lost in trying to resolve and struggling with.

That word, struggling, is basically what is I feel at work.  I speak for myself here, but I know that the other people on my team feel it, but we are all trying to balance too many jobs.  I feel I am doing this the worst out of everyone as I keep having to resolve issues and fix things as part of the work I am doing, and they should have been spotted a long time ago but weren’t.  Before you ask who should have spotted them, I should have.

I spoke to one of my colleagues about the fact I am going to call a meeting with my manager, because I am doing too much.  Last year I had one job, and one job only at this time of year.  This year I am trying to juggle 3 and smattering of smaller jobs.  I feel like I have too much work to do, and because of this I am letting things slip.  Too many jobs means I am making mistakes in all three of them, and there is just too much for me to handle in one go.  When discussing how many issues we should be dealing with at a time, it was mentioned in someones previous job they handled 2 each maximum.  My team is 4FT and 1 PT, and we currently dealing with 76.  That is just not OK.

Work is really dragging me down mentally, because I don’t stop thinking about it.  I think about it when I wake up, I dream about it, I am even writing about it now (for good reason, I can justify this).  I work 8-6 Monday to Friday, but this has been known to be until 7 and come in at the weekend, pushing my hours to high 40s or 50s at bad times.  Now for some, that is not a big deal; your doctors and lawyers and nurses of the world, but for someone paid my level, this is not great.  I am working those hours to try and get everything done, and then it turns out that I still cant.  Between April and the end of November this year it worked out that I have done 270 hours of overtime that I billed for.  That works out at 38.5 hours per month, which to me doesnt seem so terrible, but it kinda is.  Every month I work the equivalent of 1 FT employee for a week (standard contract is 35 hours PW).

I am struggling to keep up with all of this, and it is making me more and more stressed.  Add on top my friends who I am helping out (the one above, another was at a funeral today who I was trying to support, my family, and the whole real dad and his partner situation which I don’t know if I have talked about) and I am feeling like there is just too much going on.

Circling back, I wanted to tell my manager that I would like to have some of the work taken off my plate, because I am struggling to cope with all of it.  I even wanted to tell him to take away the promotion that I have had, because if I am a lower level, then they can’t make me do the things that they are asking at the moment.  I ran this past my colleague and he agreed that we all do too much, but that I shouldn’t give the company the opportunity to pay me less.  The work would still be the same, and in his opinion (he has 8 years experience on me) the work we are doing alot of the time should not be signed off by someone of our level, but rather someone one or two levels above us.

Why don’t I change position?  I have thought about it and looked and applied in some cases, but in truth every specification I read I don’t feel I even come close to being able to do the things they say.  Christ, I read my own job specification online and feel like I can’t do the things on that.  A friend on another team has suggested I go for a junior coding position on her team and has put my name forward for the potential role (depending on the budget) next year, but even that I feel I will be bad at.

I know I have problems with feeling inadequate (Insert Coach Carter Speech here (which is amazing by the way)), but I just feel confused and not good enough and like every single day I am just battling to keep my head afloat at work.  Today was an 8-6 and quite frankly I am sure that tomorrow will be the same and it is Christmas Eve.

If I didn’t need the money so badly I would take a job where I could just turn off and have minimum responsibilities.  That would be the dream right now, but the reality is I have to have money to help my family, to try and move out of my parents home and to try and make something of myself.  I am 30 years old, I should not be living here, but that’s a whole other rant which ends up in another hole altogether.

It has been a long time since I wrote this much in one post, or even in one go at all.  This is really going back to the streams of consciousness recollection that this blog was founded on over 5 years ago, and I have just broken 1500 words to get to this point.  In truth, the people who used to read this years ago no longer do, and anyone who stumbles across this now will view this as a dated form of expression in a world of YouTube and short form, fast consumption content.  I just find this cathartic and getting this out of my head will hopefully make it easier to process and hopefully mean I can sleep and tackle tomorrow in a healthier and more balanced way.

I hope that I do not fall into the “likes and views are verification of my self worth” hole that I used to have, because I do know I do that sometimes, checking my stats.  Truthfully, if I have more than 2 views a day I think I am doing amazingly.  I think I got one of those notifications that my blog was “on fire” when it hit 30 in a day.  How pathetic really, but if anyone has ready this far (highly doubtful) then I commend you on reading the ramblings of an idiot like me.

I think it is time for me to stop now and watch some Brooklyn 99 or something light hearted to keep me distracted and away from sliding further down.  I think carrying on with The Witcher (which is brilliant so far) would be bad because it has some darker themes.  Same applies to most of the shows I would like to watch now, so I will stick to this for now and see how I feel.

To anyone who has read this far, thank you.  For Netty, thank you once again for being a chronicle of my mental state, for listening to my ramblings and for continuing to be a source of knowledge, pain and growth.

PL&H

MMS

Baby

Today I just read that a woman I dated a while ago has just had her first child last night.  Her daughter is absolutely beautiful and the name is really wonderful as well.

I am really happy for her as we have spoken sporadically since we parted ways, but most recently was a few days ago when I wrote this post about another woman.  I spoke to her as she was the first one to really get under my skin and mess with me.  Having not seen her in a year or so I was distanced from the whole thing, but seeing this has brought a whole host of emotions bubbling up.

I am so happy for her and her partner having this little bundle of joy enter their lives.  If they were not already completely in love and devoted to each other, this would only bring them even closer together.

I feel idiotic as she is doing this and the whole making her house a home thing and last night I was at my friends dads 55th birthday playing beer pong and watching the boxing match.  I am looking to move out with the RAF guy quite soon, so this is me moving forward as well.

I feel a little pang of jealousy that they are doing this and it is not me with her, which is silly as it has been a very long time, but as I said, she really did have a massive impact upon me and my view of the world now.  Even on this blog and whom I follow and talk to, it has had an impact upon that.

I am running on about 5 hours sleep in the last two days so that is probably not helping my clarity at all, but I would say all in all I am in a good place right now with my head, so choo choo, MMS is moving forward.

MMS

 

RAM: Poetry Circa 2006; Aged 17

When I wake up from a nightmare,
I sit here and wish you were there,
But would you hold me close and comfort me,
Would you ask me what happens, would you see,
The little scared kid hiding in my eyes,
Who cowers in the corner as he is attacked by flies,
Eaten alive screaming with no one to help,
While his skin is being ripped, no one hears his yelps,
His dog is a bag of bones, stripped of flesh,
And now the boy is there, on the door of death,
His eyes have been eaten, his nose and lips,
He tries to run away but he slips, he slips,
He’s falling, he’s falling down into a black black hole,
He’s screaming he’s screaming he has no control,
THUMP his body has hit the end,
Crippled and destroyed, alone with no friends,
No family, no one near him who cares,
Even when alive nobody noticed he was there,
He is dead and forgotten, but forgotten while alive,
But why did he fight, fight to survive,
Did he have a future, could he be great,
Could he be a doctor, a head of state,
maybe a lawyer or just a hardworking man,
True and upright, with a gun in his hand,
A secret psycho who is out of control,
The Devil is burning deep inside his soul,
He walks into his bank and shoots the clerk,
This is all in the morning before he starts work.

—//—

Well, 17 year old me had a few issues he was working through I believe.  25 year old me thinks they haven’t gone away so much.  Randomly found this in a drawer looking for some photos .  I found this poem and another one on the obverse which I wrote while in an accounting evening class in 2006.

MMS

Third Time is NOT A Charm

Yesterday was Sussex’s 25th birthday.  I have written about his last two birthdays, and his 23rd was what got me back into blogging again after a dark spell.  See here for his 23rd and here for his 24th.  The 24th one isn’t really about it, but basically it was a drunken weekend which I will never forget.

So we went to a mutual friends house to have a BBQ.  We were drinking and cooking and laughing, having a great time with the 5 of us.  It was lovely.  Food was great, company was excellent and we were having fun in the sun.  It got towards the evening and we decided to go out.

We got a taxi to the pub in town and we had a few in the bar.  We met up with my friends brother and few of his mates and we were having a mellow one.  We had all eaten so much that we were struggling, plus the fact one of the couples is practically married and already given up on a social life makes me wonder why we even go out sometimes.

It got to a point where we decided to call it a night, somewhere around 11:30.  As we went to the taxi rank/cash point 5 of the girls who work near me all walked past together and said a big hello.  They wanted to know where I was going and what my plans were and all this, to which I told them I was heading home.  They called me a wuss and went to the pub.  At that point I realised I was going home because of my friends, and if I were with them I would stay out a bit longer, and who knows, maybe have some fun.  So I bid my friends adieu and went and joined the girls.

NB. did not flake on them, they were all getting taxis back to their respective homes, so I feel no guilt here.

I walked in the pub and they cheered as I told them I am having one with them then will hit the road.  We caught up and chatted, and the engaged girl (who is now “single”) was part of the group.  She basically blanked me completely as I chatted to her friends.  One of the girls was making me laugh, but the more she said, the more my standards of her dropped.  So I set her a challenge.  If you can get a guy to buy you a drink in 20 seconds I will buy all 5 of you a round.

Bitch went and did it didn’t she.  Never underestimate the wiliness of women or the stupidity of men.

So bought them a round and decided at that point to call it a night.  Here is where things started to go wrong.

  • Got a taxi home, key wouldn’t go in lock.
  • Call stepdad, brother who are in the house, knock on door and try and get in.  No luck
  • Try calling my friend who I was supposed to be staying with.  No luck
  • Try calling a few other friends. No one answers
  • Go back into town to try and get a room at the hotel.  No rooms
  • Try another.  No rooms
  • Call one in the nearby area which I would have to take a taxi to get to.  No rooms.
  • Walk past one and happen try my luck.  Number 4 works.  By this time it is gone half 3 in the morning, I am beyond frozen, completely sober and angry at everyone.
  • Try to sleep, can’t
  • Doze in and out until half 7 where I get out of bed and wash my face.
  • Feel disgusting, check out and walk home.
  • Knock on the door as loud as I can at 8am when I finally get home and have to be let in.
  • Take shower, still awake, annoyed that the evening was not awesome and that people are all bastards.

I’m done.

MMS

Hanging

Right now I am hanging like an 80 year old woman’s pair of tits with no bra.

Tequila, cocktails, whiskey and jager are not my friends.  I cannot drink like my 18 year old self, nor should I try to anymore.  I should however know by now that if I try to drink like that, it will have consequences.

This morning I want to crawl into a hole and never come out.  If I make it through this hangover I will be invincible.  I will be Superman.

On the positive side I had a few girls tell me my beard looks great and even give it a cheeky stroke.  Give me a tickle under the chin and she was a naughty little one.

Time to hydrate…

MMS

Babble

You know when you need to sleep, but you can’t sleep, so you lay there?  That is right now.

Today I got called on my day off by one of the stores I cover. It was a friend of mine, and he was asking in an irked tone why a transfer was not on his system. After a few minutes I worked out why and he started to have a go. I very nearly lost my temper at him. Instead he got

“If you are calling me to chat and catch up fine. If you are calling me for a quick question, fine, but if you are calling me to have a go at me down the phone on my day off we are going to have a serious problem mate.”

“Well who is in today then? “

” I don’t know, I am on my day off, call and find out “

” fine” *he hangs up *

Now I like this kid, but that is unprofessional and completely disrespectful. I will bring it up with him tomorrow at work when I am in.

Speaking of work, you know how annoying it is to have your shifts messed around with?? The answer is very. It is very annoying.

I have been blogging less and I’m not sure why. Just haven’t felt it. I’ve looked at others blogs, I’ve made a few comments,  but between working and everything else I haven’t done it.

I have also made a lifestyle decision. There was a part of me what I embraced for about 18 Months to 2 years ago and it was an identifier which I attached myself to. I developed a group of friends with my blog who are mainly the ones who comment on here in truth, and it gave me something amount my few friends who knew about it. About a week ago after much thought I decided to denounce it. I no longer feel as I did before, and I do not think it is right for me to call myself by any name which I have not earned.

Qualities I possessed previously I have renamed “leadership qualities ” like taking control of a situation and managing people, rather than names which I would have previously put then under.

Guess this means no longer have an identifier. I’m that guy who writes, but doesn’t even do that that much lately. I’m just that guy, who is going to be 25 and have bugger all to show for it.

Crap post I know but it will do for now. At least I am writing and hopefully getting this out of my head.

MMS

Dick Pics, Engagements, Pregnancies and Work

So I have been MIA for about a week.  This has been for a few reasons.  One has been I have been struggling a little at times with social interaction (but I will say something which will completely counteract that).

Let me address the first two parts of the title.  A girl I met who works near me gave me her phone number so we could talk.  That is not abnormal; her and I have spent our lunches together a couple of times and she is cool so I saw no issue with this.  Turns out she is a massive flirt and was pushing me.  Got to a point and she told me she was behaving that way because she was frustrated with her fiancee.  I had no idea that she had one, but trust me to flirt with the girl who has one.  That now makes 3 out of 4 so far.  Awesome work.

Hypothetically if I were to send a dick pic I would be easily identifiable.  This is not because I have a specific looking penis, but because of my tattoo position.  It is so low down that any shot I would take (hypothetically) would include it as well, unless the picture was taken at the base of the shaft to make my dick look like a skyscraper.  I must reiterate, this is hypothetical.

My colleague at work is pregnant so it has made work a little difficult, but we are working round it.  Also in the last ten minutes I have found out a girl who I was mad over is now pregnant as well.  Did I mention she is engaged too? and she walked away to go back to him (understandably, he is a much better guy than me, and he did have her first I suppose).  A little crushed inside if I’m honest.  Always hoped something would work out.  It never will now.

I have been working really hard in the last week.  The last few days have been particularly killer, with yesterday me not actually getting home until nearly half past midnight because I stayed that late.   It is either time for me to seriously find a new job, or for me to not take everything so seriously because it is really becoming a drain on me.

I have not been keeping in contact with someone for a while and I think it is affecting them negatively.  I am not sure what to say, or how to say it, but they should always remember they are awesome.  They always have been, regardless of what they may think.

Everything is a bit of a blur at the moment.  I have this weekend off and I am going to take my friends (3 of them, the ones I ended new years with) to dinner.  They are all so good to me, to the point I am staying at theirs tomorrow and saturday night.  I love them, and they deserve a treat from me.

While working I was talking to someone and she said I came across as “really confident, a ladies man and a smooth operator”.  I was not sure how to take this as I am not that confident, am no way good with the ladies and as for a smooth operator, I am about as smooth as coarse grain sandpaper.  I think she may have been talking to the wrong person.

Oh and girl mentioned at the top, the engaged one, she is 19.  I am 24.  Is that age gap acceptable? Also is that age gap acceptable at my age or is that weird? When older that is not so much of a big deal, however at my age is that abnormal?

Suppose abnormal is how I roll.

MMS

Tired and Frustrated

The Colour Of Sexual Frustration

I am feeling tired and frustrated, funnily enough exactly how this title is.  Let us break down this tiredness and frustration into its component factors and analyse them shall we children?

Tired
This emotion can be broken down into physical and emotional.  I am physically tired as I have been working Christmas eve, Christmas day and boxing day.  Christmas eve I spent two extra hours at work helping out.  Christmas day my colleague came in hungover, and I mean crying in the taxi home my life is shit hungover, so I did most of the work, and there was a lot of work.  Today I sent my colleague home as she was throwing up and I called the boss to tell him so.  I spent 3 hours on my own, and made £3000 in that time, while doing other jobs.  Also, I have been doing Christmas presents and I have worked through my lunches on the last two days, because of being busy yesterday and because there was no one to cover me today.
On the emotional side I have been smiling, happy and take all the shit guy at work, which means things get done, but it is exhausting to put up such a front all the time.  Christmas day I got home from work about 3pm and raided the fridge for leftovers from Christmas lunch which had been eaten without me.  Found a few bits and nuked them in the microwave and had a beer, the went upstairs and drank a few whiskies in my bed, toasting my good fortune and the great year it has been for me.  Is it wrong to drink alone? Being happy and constantly having to step up to the plate at work and focus is draining me, with my broken sleep patterns returning and my dreams, it is starting to get to me.

Frustrated
Frustration stems from multiple areas.  At home I feel like I am distancing myself because I just do not want to deal with the drama anymore.  The Christmas tree was only put up because my brothers girlfriend said we should have it, on the 20th of December.  She and my brother decorated it while I was at work.  Also at home when I sleep I have been having dreams.  This is not unusual, I dream a great deal, but the subject matter is what is frustrating.  Purple is the symbolic colour of sexual frustration, and that is clearly bleeding through into my dreams.  Some are tamer, some are wilder, some are bat-shit insane, but the worst ones are the dreams about the memories that I have.  Those ones are the ones that really screw with my head.  I would write about it, but it would have to be a PPP.
At work I am getting frustrated at not being able to go and help where I need to.  I am annoyed that I keep having to work on my days off to cover people because my supervisor doesn’t give a shit and I am the one who has to pick up the slack.  I don’t do as much admin as her, but she doesn’t do any of the physical work like I do.  She genuinely said “You should open the safe, that involves bending and that’s a man’s job”.  You do not want to know what I thought as a response involving bending, a mans job and her.

So there you have it boys and girls.  I am Tired.  I am Frustrated.  I am also a couple of other things but I refuse to acknowledge those thoughts because I am not going to that place.  That place is dark.  A dark hole which I will not let myself go down.  On the positive side I shared my double sausage and egg McMuffin with one of the girls next door to me at work as she was hungry and I was feeling generous, so I think I have made a friend.  That’s a positive.

Hope everyone had a good Christmas.

MMS

The Air Hostess

At work today I had a stunning air hostess for BA (British Airways) in her 30s come in.  She was all decked out in her uniform and she was so lovely.  We got talking and she asked me randomly if I knew about SAD, and I said yes. Her husband suffers from it and I look like him 10 years ago.    We ended up about seasonal depression for a little bit while showing her some of the new lines we have in.

She is a fan of pink and we had a few nude pink and bright pink tops in with some nice little details on them.  The two I pointed out in particular she loved and said she would like to try on.  I set her up in the changing room and while she tried one of them on, a nude pink long sleeved number with little jewels around the neck and a clasp at the back.  She came out and showed me then asked a question which I was not expecting.

“Are you straight or gay?”

Really? Do I give off that impression? I may be a little flamboyant, but no, I am not gay.

“No, I am straight”

“Oh, in which case I will refrain from what I was about to say next then” *insert girly giggle*

“Trust me, whatever you have said, I have heard before, I was raised by women”

“Ok then.  I think I might need a nude bra with this, this one shows a little doesn’t it”

*looks at chest* “Hmm, yes.  You’re wearing white and it does show through the knit, probably best to wear a natural bra under that.”

I have so used to being surrounded by women growing up I am so de-sensitised to all of this now.  Don’t get me wrong, she gave me a valid excuse to look at her chest, and I took it, but it was in the name of fashion.

We then processed to discuss the outfit it would go with, and the heels/accessories she could match and would make her husbands jaw drop in it.

She bought that jumper, plus another one and then went on her way, thanking me for my help and for being so generous.  I went relayed this conversation to my colleague and she said.

“I get her asking though.  It took me a few weeks to get a read on you.  It’s because you are so complimentary to both boys and girls it is really hard to tell.  It was only when I caught you checking out a girl one time that I decided you were straight”

I was a little shocked.  Yes, I am complimentary and I appreciate a good looking guy.  Yes, I can talk about girly things easier than I can about manly things.  Yes, I can be a little crazy and come across as a little camp, but make no mistake here.  I love the ladies.

That said there has been a video of me saying a wonderful phrase

I like my women white and my men black.

I have also been known to say:

I like my women like I like my tea; hot, sweet and white.

I really need to stop saying things like that.

MMS

Interactions

Today I had to work with the young lady talked about in my previous post here and some interesting things happened.  I say interesting, what I mean is that I am unsure as to whether I am getting the wrong end of the stick here or not.  Writing to you Netty helps me process, so let’s see what you got.

So at work today she said she was tired and a little down.  I gave her a little sympathy, but mainly through just being me apparently made her laugh loads.  “Come on chicka, show me those pearly whites! Best way to get those sales in”

Apparently making her laugh made her feel better, but she also had a migraine coming on.  I offered her some of the painkillers I had in my bag, but she declined and said she had some in hers, but thanked me for my offer.  In honesty, I wouldn’t take drugs from someone I have only met twice, so I understand the rebuff there.  I should mention here that she turned up to work in what can only be described as an LBD.

While I dealt with something she bent over to pick up something she had dropped and Jesus H Christ there was a view and a half.  I said to her

“Jesus woman, I just don’t know where to look when you do that! Don’t do it again or I am going to be incredibly distracted and lose my train of thought!

So what did she do about ten minutes later….yep, you guessed it Netty.  This time I just went with “Well if you insist on doing that, I am going to check out your arse at every opportunity.  Fair warning hun.” Pretty certain I had a massive grin plastered across my mug when I said that.

Now, from my knowledge of body language and sales technique, this chick broke the intimacy barrier by creating physical contact.  Hand on the back, hand on the forearm, hand on my shoulder.   What made me laugh was when she butt-checked me out the way down a narrow bit, so when she did it again I slid my arm around her waist and basically blocked her from going past, even when she was trying really hard.  I carried on doing my calculations and just laughed.  In the end I let her go, but only after she gave me a little pout.

Now Netty, you are a girl.  We all know this.  Am I imagining this or is she being flirty with me? Am I being weird and seeing things that are not there, or is she just being a little flirt? Or maybe a little attention whore? I know I am absolutely reading into this far more than I should.  But screw it.  Any form of female attention is greatly appreciated, I mean with the level of insecurity I have at times I am surprised I am not just a giant neurotic ball in the corner rocking away mumbling to myself.

Bleurgh, I have to go to the Drs now.  Laters on chick.

MMS