Another Tough Day

TW: Suicide, Self Harm, vomiting.

Today has been a tough day for me, but let me go back to Friday first before I get to today.

Friday afternoon I went with mum and dad (step) to go and get a CT scan.  While there my dad had an X-ray on his knee (he needed one anyway and they said drop in when you are free for this).  The reason for my mums CT scan was a shadow across her chest which came up in another scan.  They have more or less written off Lung Cancer (thankfully) but it was a nervous time for us all, especially so close to Christmas time.

After the scan I went home and got ready to my work Christmas Do.  This had been weeks in planning by the work teams, but I was not going to go.  It was only 48 hours before that I ended up being convinced to go, after a few people dropping out and several people haranguing me to do so.   I met my colleagues at the pub, had a few drinks beforehand with them, and then we went onto the venue, where the company card was behind the bar and even more drinks were had.

All said, I left at around quarter past midnight, well socially lubricated, having danced most of the night and had a great time all in all.  I got home by Uber, and was only sick once from all the Jack and Coke I had, the acid was brutal though.

That same day (Friday) I also found out that my colleagues sister had tried to kill herself.  She had taken medication, slashed her wrists and was found somewhere by a stranger who took her to hospital.  The same girl also has recently found out that her fathers new partner (to be wife) has skin cancer and had to have a large portion of her leg removed.  She told me these things and I tried to support her and talk to her where I can, but I know that she has a strong support structure to help her out when she needs it.

Back to Saturday I did not do very much at the weekend, being that I was hungover and in truth I like to not do much on the weekends because I work all the time during the week and want to relax.  Which is a nice transition into today.

Today I got back to work and found out that while I was off “Bombshell Friday” had struck again.  Fridays are the day where something comes out where there is a problem and there is a scrabble to try and resolve it, but more often than not it can’t be done immediately and so there is a chaotic start to the week which can potentially drag on weeks or months depending on the issue.  Guess what, this time it was my fault.

I made a mistake, the mistake came back to bite me, and now I had to work to resolve it.  Unfortunately this mistake is on a project that I have made mistakes on previously, which only fed into making me feel worse about the issue.  I have spent the whole day trying to fix the issue, and speaking to the relevant internal teams and externally affected individuals to get things back on track.  It is not a one day fix, but it has ended up consuming my time, on something I am a little lost in trying to resolve and struggling with.

That word, struggling, is basically what is I feel at work.  I speak for myself here, but I know that the other people on my team feel it, but we are all trying to balance too many jobs.  I feel I am doing this the worst out of everyone as I keep having to resolve issues and fix things as part of the work I am doing, and they should have been spotted a long time ago but weren’t.  Before you ask who should have spotted them, I should have.

I spoke to one of my colleagues about the fact I am going to call a meeting with my manager, because I am doing too much.  Last year I had one job, and one job only at this time of year.  This year I am trying to juggle 3 and smattering of smaller jobs.  I feel like I have too much work to do, and because of this I am letting things slip.  Too many jobs means I am making mistakes in all three of them, and there is just too much for me to handle in one go.  When discussing how many issues we should be dealing with at a time, it was mentioned in someones previous job they handled 2 each maximum.  My team is 4FT and 1 PT, and we currently dealing with 76.  That is just not OK.

Work is really dragging me down mentally, because I don’t stop thinking about it.  I think about it when I wake up, I dream about it, I am even writing about it now (for good reason, I can justify this).  I work 8-6 Monday to Friday, but this has been known to be until 7 and come in at the weekend, pushing my hours to high 40s or 50s at bad times.  Now for some, that is not a big deal; your doctors and lawyers and nurses of the world, but for someone paid my level, this is not great.  I am working those hours to try and get everything done, and then it turns out that I still cant.  Between April and the end of November this year it worked out that I have done 270 hours of overtime that I billed for.  That works out at 38.5 hours per month, which to me doesnt seem so terrible, but it kinda is.  Every month I work the equivalent of 1 FT employee for a week (standard contract is 35 hours PW).

I am struggling to keep up with all of this, and it is making me more and more stressed.  Add on top my friends who I am helping out (the one above, another was at a funeral today who I was trying to support, my family, and the whole real dad and his partner situation which I don’t know if I have talked about) and I am feeling like there is just too much going on.

Circling back, I wanted to tell my manager that I would like to have some of the work taken off my plate, because I am struggling to cope with all of it.  I even wanted to tell him to take away the promotion that I have had, because if I am a lower level, then they can’t make me do the things that they are asking at the moment.  I ran this past my colleague and he agreed that we all do too much, but that I shouldn’t give the company the opportunity to pay me less.  The work would still be the same, and in his opinion (he has 8 years experience on me) the work we are doing alot of the time should not be signed off by someone of our level, but rather someone one or two levels above us.

Why don’t I change position?  I have thought about it and looked and applied in some cases, but in truth every specification I read I don’t feel I even come close to being able to do the things they say.  Christ, I read my own job specification online and feel like I can’t do the things on that.  A friend on another team has suggested I go for a junior coding position on her team and has put my name forward for the potential role (depending on the budget) next year, but even that I feel I will be bad at.

I know I have problems with feeling inadequate (Insert Coach Carter Speech here (which is amazing by the way)), but I just feel confused and not good enough and like every single day I am just battling to keep my head afloat at work.  Today was an 8-6 and quite frankly I am sure that tomorrow will be the same and it is Christmas Eve.

If I didn’t need the money so badly I would take a job where I could just turn off and have minimum responsibilities.  That would be the dream right now, but the reality is I have to have money to help my family, to try and move out of my parents home and to try and make something of myself.  I am 30 years old, I should not be living here, but that’s a whole other rant which ends up in another hole altogether.

It has been a long time since I wrote this much in one post, or even in one go at all.  This is really going back to the streams of consciousness recollection that this blog was founded on over 5 years ago, and I have just broken 1500 words to get to this point.  In truth, the people who used to read this years ago no longer do, and anyone who stumbles across this now will view this as a dated form of expression in a world of YouTube and short form, fast consumption content.  I just find this cathartic and getting this out of my head will hopefully make it easier to process and hopefully mean I can sleep and tackle tomorrow in a healthier and more balanced way.

I hope that I do not fall into the “likes and views are verification of my self worth” hole that I used to have, because I do know I do that sometimes, checking my stats.  Truthfully, if I have more than 2 views a day I think I am doing amazingly.  I think I got one of those notifications that my blog was “on fire” when it hit 30 in a day.  How pathetic really, but if anyone has ready this far (highly doubtful) then I commend you on reading the ramblings of an idiot like me.

I think it is time for me to stop now and watch some Brooklyn 99 or something light hearted to keep me distracted and away from sliding further down.  I think carrying on with The Witcher (which is brilliant so far) would be bad because it has some darker themes.  Same applies to most of the shows I would like to watch now, so I will stick to this for now and see how I feel.

To anyone who has read this far, thank you.  For Netty, thank you once again for being a chronicle of my mental state, for listening to my ramblings and for continuing to be a source of knowledge, pain and growth.

PL&H

MMS

Stressing Out

I am pushing my girlfriend away.  Yesterday we ended on a bad note and I didn’t bother to reply to her text message where she finally saw that I am actually an arsehole at times.  Today she didn’t text me all day and when she did in the evening when I theoretically would have finished work on a normal day I was short, and told her I am going to stop talking to her before I snap at her.  It wasn’t personal, it is just I knew I would.    I could almost guarantee it.

—//—

I finally sat down with my stepfather after giving him another £500 to find out what is going on with the home finances.  I looked at his income and my mothers, as well as mine, the outgoings which we could not push and were fixed every month like mortgages and insurance, and the variable costs. My finance brain went in and my step dad was surprised at how I approached everything in the way that I did.  I told him in no uncertain terms that I have handed over well over £3000 in the last 4 months, and that I need to know how deep a hole we are in, and what can be done so that moving forward that can make it better.  Effectively, I need to cut my spending down and give them more.

—//—

I have got my brother a job at the place I work.  It is a temp contract and he only has 5.5 hrs, but I will be flexing him up to at least 20 whenever I can.  I found out he has been giving my parents money as well.  He shouldn’t be.  He is studying and that should be his focus, not what is going on here.

—//—

Today at work I had the head of retail operations in.  He is one of the most influential people in the company.  If I had to hear my deputy manager (who I went and had dinner with the night before and she was lovely) tell one more story about how wonderful she is, or how well traveled or spiritual she is I was going to take the stapler and puncture my carotid artery.  She was absolutely doing my nut.  My store manager is already good friends with him so she didn’t need to impress, and I concentrated more on my job than on impressing him, so that meant I was barely noticed.  Not good for networking, but great for…well fuck all other than proving I am a reasonable supervisor.  Completed nothing of note whatsoever today, and it ended up being a 09:00-20:00 day, with my leaving home at 08:00 and returning at 21:15.  To say I am fucking shattered is an understatement.

MMS

RAM: Poetry Circa 2006; Aged 17

When I wake up from a nightmare,
I sit here and wish you were there,
But would you hold me close and comfort me,
Would you ask me what happens, would you see,
The little scared kid hiding in my eyes,
Who cowers in the corner as he is attacked by flies,
Eaten alive screaming with no one to help,
While his skin is being ripped, no one hears his yelps,
His dog is a bag of bones, stripped of flesh,
And now the boy is there, on the door of death,
His eyes have been eaten, his nose and lips,
He tries to run away but he slips, he slips,
He’s falling, he’s falling down into a black black hole,
He’s screaming he’s screaming he has no control,
THUMP his body has hit the end,
Crippled and destroyed, alone with no friends,
No family, no one near him who cares,
Even when alive nobody noticed he was there,
He is dead and forgotten, but forgotten while alive,
But why did he fight, fight to survive,
Did he have a future, could he be great,
Could he be a doctor, a head of state,
maybe a lawyer or just a hardworking man,
True and upright, with a gun in his hand,
A secret psycho who is out of control,
The Devil is burning deep inside his soul,
He walks into his bank and shoots the clerk,
This is all in the morning before he starts work.

—//—

Well, 17 year old me had a few issues he was working through I believe.  25 year old me thinks they haven’t gone away so much.  Randomly found this in a drawer looking for some photos .  I found this poem and another one on the obverse which I wrote while in an accounting evening class in 2006.

MMS

Third Time is NOT A Charm

Yesterday was Sussex’s 25th birthday.  I have written about his last two birthdays, and his 23rd was what got me back into blogging again after a dark spell.  See here for his 23rd and here for his 24th.  The 24th one isn’t really about it, but basically it was a drunken weekend which I will never forget.

So we went to a mutual friends house to have a BBQ.  We were drinking and cooking and laughing, having a great time with the 5 of us.  It was lovely.  Food was great, company was excellent and we were having fun in the sun.  It got towards the evening and we decided to go out.

We got a taxi to the pub in town and we had a few in the bar.  We met up with my friends brother and few of his mates and we were having a mellow one.  We had all eaten so much that we were struggling, plus the fact one of the couples is practically married and already given up on a social life makes me wonder why we even go out sometimes.

It got to a point where we decided to call it a night, somewhere around 11:30.  As we went to the taxi rank/cash point 5 of the girls who work near me all walked past together and said a big hello.  They wanted to know where I was going and what my plans were and all this, to which I told them I was heading home.  They called me a wuss and went to the pub.  At that point I realised I was going home because of my friends, and if I were with them I would stay out a bit longer, and who knows, maybe have some fun.  So I bid my friends adieu and went and joined the girls.

NB. did not flake on them, they were all getting taxis back to their respective homes, so I feel no guilt here.

I walked in the pub and they cheered as I told them I am having one with them then will hit the road.  We caught up and chatted, and the engaged girl (who is now “single”) was part of the group.  She basically blanked me completely as I chatted to her friends.  One of the girls was making me laugh, but the more she said, the more my standards of her dropped.  So I set her a challenge.  If you can get a guy to buy you a drink in 20 seconds I will buy all 5 of you a round.

Bitch went and did it didn’t she.  Never underestimate the wiliness of women or the stupidity of men.

So bought them a round and decided at that point to call it a night.  Here is where things started to go wrong.

  • Got a taxi home, key wouldn’t go in lock.
  • Call stepdad, brother who are in the house, knock on door and try and get in.  No luck
  • Try calling my friend who I was supposed to be staying with.  No luck
  • Try calling a few other friends. No one answers
  • Go back into town to try and get a room at the hotel.  No rooms
  • Try another.  No rooms
  • Call one in the nearby area which I would have to take a taxi to get to.  No rooms.
  • Walk past one and happen try my luck.  Number 4 works.  By this time it is gone half 3 in the morning, I am beyond frozen, completely sober and angry at everyone.
  • Try to sleep, can’t
  • Doze in and out until half 7 where I get out of bed and wash my face.
  • Feel disgusting, check out and walk home.
  • Knock on the door as loud as I can at 8am when I finally get home and have to be let in.
  • Take shower, still awake, annoyed that the evening was not awesome and that people are all bastards.

I’m done.

MMS

My Friend Got Mugged

This morning I got a call from a friend of mine.  I saw his number pop up on my mobile and thought “Hello, last nights escapades are going to be recounted.  I wonder what naughtiness he got up to”

Turns out he was leaning against a glass pane and some bouncers thought he smashed it.  Bearing in mind that this glass is probably toughened glass and he is 11 stone I am highly doubtful he would be capable of doing such damage.  However, he does look like a rich boy, which is probably what lead to this situation.

He was taken into a corridor by four bouncers and beat down.  He got punched and kicked, and when on the floor kicked some more.  They then proceeded to remove his wallet from his pocket, take one of his cards out and put it in a card machine, charging him £500.  They told him he owed them serious damages, and if he did not do this there would be consequences.  He better not get his PIN wrong or any of that or he would suffer.  So, while under serious duress, my friend entered his PIN.  He was charged, then promptly thrown out of the club.  He had been there to support his friend who had been spinning for the first time that night.

He called me in the morning to tell me what had gone on.  He had called the boss to tell him he had a stomach virus and would not be coming into work today, then called me to explain the truth, in case I had to go in to cover him.  After listening it was plainly obvious he was shook up, and understandably so, by this whole situation and that he was a little unsure.  His parents had contacted the police, as well the the family lawyer to press charges against the bouncers as well as the club.

He asked for my advice with what to do with work, and I told him to tell the boss the truth.  He had a bag with him containing clothes for his night out with him at work and went straight from there out.  Calling in saying he was sick makes him look like his was hungover and pulling a sickie.  However, that is not the case.  I told him to call, tell the truth and they would understand.  Maybe don’t tell them you had a couple of drinks, but do tell them the rest.  He thanked me and told me to keep it all quiet, and understandably so.  Not event he other two guys we always hang with know about this, it is just me and the boss now.

I feel sorry for this happening to him.  He is a great lad and only 22 so it is a shame for him to have such a bad experience on what was supposed to be a great night.  He has promised to keep in contact with me and let me know how it all goes.  I hope he nails the bastards to the wall for this.  They deserve everything coming to them.

MMS

Theoretical Fatherhood and Being a Dick

Overprotective dad, Game of Thrones style?

Pretty certain my reaction would be the same.  If I am ever fortunate enough to have children, I am going to be the most horrible father imaginable.  Fact.  This or Mike Lowrey in Bad Boys 2; The Godfather role.  I have already been compared to him enough times throughout my life even if I am not tall, ripped, rich, good looking or a womaniser (and I have had Britney Spears Womaniser dedicated to me too, not sure why either?).  Still, I am a good friend and down when people need me.

Last night my friend called me.  I had been sleeping at the time.  She has been calling me the last few weeks and I have never been able to pick up her calls.  The girl is awesome, but with working and time constraints mixed in with my shifts I just haven’t had the opportunity to sit down and talk to her.  She sent me a text message shortly after.

“I need you x”

So guess who was on the phone for 2 hours helping her out.  Yep, this guy.  Then I got told she would be thoroughly disappointed if I did something which I am no longer considering.  Being an arse-hole seems to get you further than being nice, so I might give that a try.  Who knows, it might just suit me.  One way to find out.  I am already prone to being assertive, so I will just stop being polite in my assertive manner.  One of the higher ups saw me act tersely with a customer when she started asking prices before I had scanned the products.  OK, I had already worked out how much it would be in my head roughly, but I was not going to give her that.  So I slowed down and purposely took longer.  She still spent £350 so I didn’t care, but that was the first time that she had ever seen me less than my bouncy happy work self, apart from December where I was so tired I could barely function, but I still worked.

Well that was a fun story time children, now for me to shower and get ready to work.  2 month old beard in 1 more day.  I look rather dodgy with it, but it is like a comfort blanket I can hide behind.  I do not look terrible with it, however I do find it relaxing to play with/stroke and some people think it suits me.  Some however think I look “Way hotter” and “so much sexier” without it.  Not sure.

MMS

Not A Good Day

The day started badly with the walk to the train station drenching me.  My trousers, shoes and hair were soaked, so took off my jumper and used that to towel dry my hair.  My colleague arrived just in time for work which stressed me out that she ran so close to time, and then the day started to get better.

I had this beautiful Spanish woman come in, mid to late 30’s, long dark hair, eyes you wanted to fall into and just the poutiest lips imaginable.  I won’t start on her figure or what her mama gave her.  I got a great sale, a little flirting and great deal of happiness from talking to her; she just had this great aura and it rubbed off on me.

Things we ok, then delivery came.  I had to sort it out (this is normal), but it was huge.  So I mentally braced myself, plugged in my headphones and got down to it.  Then I had to stop within minutes of starting.  My colleague is pregnant and needed to use the toilet, so I had to stay on the floor.  You don’t say no to a pregnant woman, ever.  Plus she is the deputy so it would be stupid to.

Eventually I managed to do about 1/3 of the work and get it sorted, then one of the girls offered to help me near the end of my shift.  I only took a 20 minute break as I knew I would have too much to do, and so came back early because what I don’t do today will be work to do tomorrow.  about 50 minutes left on my shift and one of the girls offers to help me with the delivery.  She is good so I say yes, and we go downstairs and start blitzing it.  We are over 200 units in when something clicks.  The boxes were mixed.  Two consignments were together and so this would mess the stock system up.  It ended up that I had to go through and manually check everything off rather than using the scanner.

I ended up staying an hour later to try and fix some of this mess, and in the end the pregnant deputy had already left and the other girl told me to go home.  She said she would do it and I should go as I am early again tomorrow and Sunday so it will be wise for me to get some sleep.  So I left after making sure she was not alone in the area and went to get my trains.

Now for those who don’t know the UK has been hit with torrential rain, much like the stereotype that projected of English weather.  This torrential rain had caught me in the morning, had been on and off all night and the ten hours I had been at work had not stopped.  Guess what that had lead to? That’s right, flooding on the train, and all of the local area I live in.  Trains were fucked, roads were fucked, people were fucked.

After that monumentally shit day at work, to find I had to wait over an hour to take a 4 minute train is an absolute fucking joke.  This country is known to flood, known for its’ rain and known for years that this happens, because it happens every fucking year.  EVERY FUCKING YEAR.  I was livid by the time I got home.

I came in and said to my mother and stepfather “basically I have had the crappiest day at this job, I am angry and I am going to my room.  I am going to quarantine myself before I say or do something incredibly stupid.  Please just leave me in there”

About an hour ago (4 hours or so after I had left) they called me.  Another delivery has shown up for me to do in the morning.  Joyous

There were questions I didn’t answer, I have just stayed in here.  I considered posting then, but I was shaking.  So I let the anger pass and what has been left? Feeling helpless and just shit.  Because tomorrow I have to sort out this mess.  About an hour ago (4 hours or so after I had left) they called me.  Another delivery has shown up for me to do in the morning.  Joyous.  So more for me.  I am drowning (physically and metaphorically).

Oh and this bitch, this chick who I was tight with for 8 years and then basically blew me off when she got a boyfriend so I cut her out about 9 months ago goes and likes my status on Facebook.  About 2 months ago she made her profile limited so I can’t see more than her profile pictures, and she goes and likes my status to try and initiate some sort of contact.  When she texted me in December I was cordial but cold.  She said “I miss you” and I did not acknowledge it.  Bitch dropped me like a used tissue, so she can go fuck herself.  Made my day worse, these trivial games one plays.

Tomorrow holds more of the same.  But with no mid, and I am with the ditsiest girl I know.  If I don’t throttle her I will deserve a medal.  Oh and one of the other girls noted that I was annoyed and mentioned it, even though she knew the madness that was going on, and proceeded to ask me stupid questions, including asking me if her questions were stupid.  I normally am nice, but today I told her her questions were completely asinine and she needed to work it out rather than ask me.  Oh and your hair looks stupid today.  I think she was so taken aback at me not being me she nearly fell over.

Well that was a stream and a half.  It has now just gone 8pm, time for me to sleep so I can get up before dawn to go to work.  Go Team.  Team MMS is a fucking irrational idiot.

MMS

Oh I forgot, I also now haven’t kept up my list challenge.  Seems pointless now that I won’t be doing it today.  Another failure to add to the ever growing list of an accounting and finance graduate doing a job someone with A levels.  Or even less.

Thoughts That Have Popped Into My Head Before Midday.

  • I should meet my friend for lunch, we can talk about his problems and mine.  That will be productive
  • I should really do the second coat of white paint in the kitchen today.  Yesterdays coat is not strong enough, it might even need three.
  • My beard needs a shape up so it doesn’t look so hobo chic.
  • I got rid of some stray eyebrow hairs last night.  Male grooming is acceptable, but is this too far?
  • Why has a second rumour started that I am ramping up to sleep with another girl in the new store? Seriously, you text someone and apparently now I am going to screw her?!
  • Why have the old rumours of the previous girl not died down yet? Granted, we went for a drink, but she joined my friend and I afterwards, so it wasn’t like a date or anything.
  • I should not be so annoyed at looking at something.  I looked at a blog from someone and saw how they were really blossoming post me and it annoyed me.  But it shouldn’t I should be happy.
  • I have been not expressing a particular side of me lately, and I am unsure if I ever will again in some ways.  Aspects of it manifest and they are ok, but others do not feel like they fit anymore.
  • According to WordPress I have had a spike in views.  Not sure why, but cool.  Views are an ego boost.
  • I should not attach my ego to views/likes/comments on a blog which does not provide me money.
  • I should not be so concerned with money, rather my happiness, hence why going to lunch with my friend.
  • The bathroom light switch is broken, I should probably fix that before someone is electrocuted/I have to shower in the dark.
  • I need to work on my action plans for work, but simply have no motivation.  I am a terrible.
  • Dealing with people doing things wrong is annoying.  I should train them properly, as their previous training is pretty dire.
  • Resist the urge to rip a new arsehole into the girls who are using “Daddy’s credit card” to buy non essentials for themselves.
  • Arguing with an Area Manager is a bad idea.  Yes, my dual system works.  Yes, you don’t like it.  No, you do not work in the three stores I have set it up in and it works.  No, I am not an idiot.  Yes, you are an arsehole.
  • My dad hasn’t said much lately, I should probably see if he is divorced again.
  • I really should draw my curtains.
  • I should listen to more music.  Dancing is fun, music is fun, it makes me happy.  I should do that more.

MMS

People

It is utterly amazing how some people can piss you off. Just their mere presence sets me off an I want to rip their heads off and spit down their windpipe.

Sometimes physical presence is not even required. A name is enough. You hear their name, memories come flashing back and you find your jaw clenched and your hands balled into fists, attempting to retain what little control you have left to stop yourself from making your anger audible.

In some cases a name is not even required. Allusions towards this person are quite enough for your eyes to narrow and your shoulders to square off like you are ready to go for someone.

It is amazing how people can  just set you off. It really is.

MMS