Forewarning: this gets dark.
After a week or so I stopped having the dreams with the messed up claustrophobia, but I think I have an idea as to what is causing it.
I think I am scared to be blind. The idea that I would lose my sight completely and not be able to see scares the hell out of me, to the point I think I’d rather not be alive than be blind. Sorry for that, but I think that is genuinely how I feel about it. Living in eternal darkness like that would be like a waking claustrophobia session and I think that sounds like the worst thing out there, other than my buried alive fear which is really not fun to think about either.
I just thought about having locked in syndrome as well now, and that is horrible also, I think I am freaking myself out now and this is going to mess with my sleeping again.
The reason I am writing now is becuase I had a weird, I wouldn’t even call it a dream, a sort of semi dream where I was looking through a telescope and then I ended up being sucked into the telescope and I jolted awake. The idea of that messed with me and now I’m struggling with closing my eyes again. That’s not great at all.
Even closing my eyes now is making me nervous, I don’t want to have to deal with this again, why is this bugging me?! I was asleep by half 9 last night I was so tired and today I am struggling and it’s 11pm. That might not be that late for some, but I need sleep to deal with all the work I have to do when I go back to work in the morning!
I apologised to my boss today as well saying one day I will bring him good news rathe than bad, as all I do is create or find problems. I don’t know whether that second part makes me good or bad at my job, but thr first part certainly isn’t great! I’m a bit lost and confused with this all right now, disillusioned with both work and life. Not sure what’s the next move, but right now all I’m doing is trying to save for my own home and not eat terribly every day. That’s a struggle enough without work stressing me to the max and attempting a social life.
Makes me question the point of it all and the futility of it. Such a waste.