This is a question which has confused me for a little while now. How does one keep secrets from oneself?
Keeping secrets is relatively easy; you just shut your damn mouth and don’t tell anyone what you have been told. What I want to know is how you keep them from yourself? How do you bury knowledge you possess about yourself from yourself? Is that how you end up splitting yourself and ending up with split personalities? Can you end up disassociating yourself and causing damage by trying to break away from yourself too much?
Basically I feel completely apathetic. I mean sure, I have spikes of happiness, but they are just those; spikes. I had a really good run a few weeks ago where I was super happy. I had no idea why, but I was enjoying myself, enjoying life and feeling great. Right now I know that I am not doing well. I have two days off work starting tomorrow which will be nice, a welcome break from 7 days work.
I laugh in conversation with people, I make the funny funnies, I text them amusing bits and pieces. I even told one person that I’m struggling and they had no idea, purely because I sounded normal. This is not bragging or boasting how wonderful a liar I am, because I am really not. It is just a case of getting by, right?
Someone texted me saying
“I miss you” to which my response was
“I miss me too”
I feel confused and I have no clue what is bringing me down, and has been since about Thursday, maybe earlier. Maybe it will click, maybe it won’t, but either way can it please bugger off? I can’t shake it, like that bug on the redheads back in Dr Who that one episode, but it is messing with me.