Today I received my transcript of results for my degree which I passed a year ago. I needed the transcript to send off for professional accreditation when applying to join certain professional bodies and looking at the transcript brought back some pangs that I was feeling a year ago, pangs of regret.
I looked at my averages for each year and they were low in my opinion, except for my final year. In my first year it was around 43%. In my second/third year it was around 50%. In my final year it was in the high 60% range. If I am completely honest with myself I messed around a great deal in my first and second year, and as my third year was a retake of my second with one module and my mark was capped there wasn’t a great deal for me to study, so I messed around that year too.
It was only when I got to my final year that I really pulled my finger out and knuckled down. I studied harder, researched deeper and pushed myself further academically then I ever have. All that effort paid off in the short term as I got great grades for that year, but overall they were not strong enough to boost my appalling previous ones, which dragged down my final degree classification.
Reading though my transcript again reminded me that when I completely focus my mind on something and push myself hard enough I am actually a reasonably intelligent guy with the potential to do things I do not expect and a mental agility that I would never admit even existed in my brain. The only thing that stands in my way is myself. As incredibly cliché as that sounds, I think it is very apt in describing me.
My self doubt and sheer laziness at times are the biggest weaknesses in my character. I procrastinate like no-ones business and I forever doubt myself and my capabilities. I am working towards having more belief in myself and what I can do, as I know I am reasonable capable, but I do not really know what I am truly able to do. As for my laziness, I am forcing my body and mind into a motivated and forward moving mindset. This is a work in progress. That is not me saying it is something I will work on in the future, but that I am working on making myself more motivated to do things, which I believe in turn will motivate me to believe in myself more. I hope that one day I reach a point where the amount of confidence I sometimes portray is actually as much confidence as I truly have. The day that happens, and I find the right motivation to push myself, I will be a world beater.