That’s My Secret Captain, I’m Always Angry

The title of this post is a line from The Avengers movie which came out earlier this year.  It is spoken by Bruce Banner just before he transforms and smashes the face in of a giant, armoured alien snake.

For those of you who have not seen the film I will not give away any plot points, nothing that hasn’t been given away in the trailers months ago anyway.  I bring up this quote because I can really relate to this idea.  I can identify with Bruce Banner in this aspect of his character, and in some way can maybe learn from his actions as well.

When I go out of an evening, or I am wandering around town, or am anywhere outside of my house I can feel myself on guard.  I can feel that aggressive tension inside me prepared to fight, prepared for if something kicks off and I have to either defend myself or someone else.  As terrible as this is going to sound some of the best nights out I had where when my female friends were not with me.  When I was out with the girls, I felt on guard, I felt the need to keep an eye out against the lecherous male populous that I know exist and attempt to prey upon women.  This is not a slight against the women I know, they are very capable of looking after themselves and have dealt with unwanted male advances long before I was around, and will long after I am no longer out with them, but it is just built into me.  This may sound to you like a protective, defensive urge, and it could be described as that, but I see it more as just a different manifestation of the anger I have bubbling under me.  When I am outside that is the mask my anger dons, but inside it is still the same raging monster.

I still have horrible, twisted sick ideas inside my head, and writing them out doesn’t help.  I have written pieces which delve into torture and mutilation which in some circles is ok (SAW fans etc) but it is not something that I enjoy having in my mind.  Bruce doesn’t give The Hulk enough credit for his potential as a gentle giant, and I think maybe that is something I need to do.  I have tried embracing my anger, and that lead to some very interesting places when I had an outlet, but now is just pure violence and is damaging to both my body and my mind.  I have tried writing it, but my mood plummets like a concrete block in the ocean afterwards.  I have tried removal of it through gym workouts, but that doesn’t seem to have as long a lasting effect as it used to, like my body is becoming immune to it or something.  Suppressing my anger does not work, that one I know for sure, because it eventually comes out and it isn’t pretty when it does.

I like to think of myself as calm, peaceful and an in control man, but deep down my inner Hulk wants to break loose and smash.   There are people who can calm me down when I am on the brink, where I still have a sinew of control, but when I am full tilt it is very difficult to control me until I burn myself out.  The only people who have ever quelled the beast, as it were, are maybe 2 women I can think of, and they are no longer an option.  There is another who I think can, but there are obstacles, namely distance which prevent her from being of great use to me.

I hope I find a way to control these urges.  They are starting to annoy me, and so the cycle continues…

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